darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (morrigan)
I am twenty-three and this I have learned:

a) There is no excuse for three things: cheating, bullying and school shooting.

Disagree all you like, but you can't change my mind about this.

b) Righteous fury is one of the greatest natural highs, but not something you want to feel.

---

I am twenty-three and I wish the day I turned twenty-three had never happened.

Though, had it not been that day, it would most likely have been some other day.
But I don't think there could have been a worse possible day for that.

---

I am twenty-three and I find myself thinking of where goes the fine line between forgiveness and masochism.

Or trust and stupidity.
darnaguen: (Default)
Today is not a good day.

In fact, that statement applies to far too many days recently, which is the main reason to the long radio silence lately. I'm sorry about that.
You see, I started an internship/practical training at our local music library about a month ago. Shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, unfortunately it was. It's not the job itself, as shelving books, CDs and sheet music and occasionally pointing someone to the right direction is one of the easiest jobs there is, and the atmosphere is pretty relaxed. It's just... for some reason I apparently had forgotten about my SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder, that is) during the year I spent on sick leave, or somehow assumed it wouldn't be a problem. And well, in a way I was right to assume that because I don't think it has ever been this bad before. This time I've actually often had full-on panic/anxiety attacks. One day I actually blacked out for a moment for hyperventilating so much. *chuckle*
Thank goodness I managed to break the vicious circle of not being able to go to work -> getting even more anxious and told my boss about it and she cut down my work hours, and also went to see a doctor and got some meds. And it is better now, I'm calmer and have managed to go to work and actually stay there most of the time, but naturally there is no miracle drug for a problem like this.

Which leads me to why today is not a good day: like I said, I got some prescripted meds, and as you might know, sedatives, antidepressants and such usually have some not-so-nice side effects at first. Mine are among other things supposed to help me sleep better and without any nightmares, but the downside is that I may also oversleep and be dizzy and nauseous when I wake up. Doesn't exactly help me be at work on time, even though I only have to be there at 2 PM. Of course it's also partially my fault because I haven't remembered to take the meds early enough in the evening.

And today? As usual, I slept too long, and when Tommi tried to nicely wake me up, I just growled something not very polite at him and kept sleeping as I wasn't feeling too good. It's only natural that he got upset, and I can understand very well that I'm not the easiest person to live with right now. *sigh* But anyway... Even though I was already late, I got up and started getting ready to go to work anyway, all the while Tommi was sulking around and practically projecting stormclouds from his forehead. I apologized for being a bitch and explained, but it didn't seem to soften him much. And one thing that is guaranteed to make me crumble: people I care about being mad at me. So yeah, bye bye being responsible and going to work. *sigh* And now I'm sitting here hating myself and fighting anxiety nausea. Yay.

We're also supposed to drive to Lappeenranta to a Halloween party tonight with some friends, which isn't exactly easing my mind because I know people will be bitching about the late hour we can finally start the journey (and even later hour we'll finally be there since the journey takes 5-6 hours). Well, I'm sorry, but Tommi has to be at work till 9.30 PM. Sometimes people have to work, you know.
And besides, the original plan was to leave on Saturday morning, which I still think would have been the smartest choice. But nevermind. *rolls eyes*
It's also my birthday tomorrow, and I must say I don't have very high hopes about having a great birthday since everyone else - being typical Finns - will probably be drunk off their asses, which is something I'm not really into even if I wasn't on those meds. :/

That reminded me that I have to go shop mine and Tommi's food for the weekend. Well, at least then I won't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

So, bye for now. I will really try to update more often in future, and actually write non-whiny entries. :p

Happy Halloween, kittens. <3

edit: This song was probably the best possible choice to cheer me up right now, so thanks Last.fm:



darnaguen: (Default)
(I'm at Tommi's computer because mine is a piece of crap and I'm not used to his keyboard, so apologies in advance for any typos.)

Guys, I have a dilemma.
A similar one than you had a while back, [livejournal.com profile] suomigoth , as in someone from my past just added me on Facebook and I'm unsure about what I should do.
You see, the thing is a bit complicated. Some of you probably know who I'm talking about, but... a couple of years ago there was this guy. Not a boyfriend or anything, but for a little while we were fierce close, like a brother and sister perhaps. But the thing is, he also was a manipulative bastard with sociopathic tendencies and he managed to fuck a lot of things up, turn people against each other and such. Eventually he went away somewhere, don't know where because at that point he was already at the top of my shit list (I don't care who you are, you simply just DON'T mess with my friends) but now he seems to be back and wanting to reconnect with people.
I mean... I'm wary, hella wary. But also kind of curious because of course he managed to find just the right words to invoke my interest. But why should I want to hear his tale of woe from these past couple of years? Whatever he's been through, I'm pretty sure he brought it upon himself.
But on the other hand it would be interesting to see if he's changed at all, or will he be back to his old wiles if you give him the smallest of chances. I mean, I see right through his crap so he can't manipulate me, and I'm not afraid of him anyway because I know for a fact that I am stronger than him, but... the bond between us was really strong, and probably still exists on some level, so that's a little unsettling. So what to do, what to do?

---

Ah, yeah, anyways... So, I've been living with Tommi for nearly three weeks now, and yes, that's what I've been alluding to in my previous posts. Yeah, it happened a bit fast considering we've only been dating less than a year, but it was pretty much out of necessity. You see, [livejournal.com profile] jupedog , the flatmate of my sister/flatmate [livejournal.com profile] casanovasi 's boyfriend [livejournal.com profile] partaveikko decided to move to Mikkeli with his girlfriend, so [livejournal.com profile] partaveikko needed a new residence within a month's notice, and since he'd been already practically living at our place for a couple of months... Yeah, I needed a new flat ASAP, and because at this time of the year it's basically impossible to find a single-room apartment, I needed a flatmate. Therefore, the boy moved to Turku with me.
I don't really mind, our new flat is really nice, with sauna and central heating and all, and I really don't miss the noise of the city (welcome back, rustling of wind in the treetops and sounds of aeroplanes swooping overhead - if only those goddamn fighter jets would GTFO from doing those practice flights in the middle of the night >_<) and all the nuisance musty old house brought with it.
Also living together has so far been surprisingly effortless, but I should probably knock on wood because domestic bickering is inevitable at some point (thank god we have similar tastes in furniture etc. :p), and I do admit it's been a bit tough to get used to lack of personal territory and complete control over my finances (basically he pays the rent, I get the groceries and other domestic stuff). It also annoys me to no end that legally we're more or less considered married now, and his income affects my allowances etc. Stupid outdated laws.
(But I have to say, every time I see the names "DAHLSTRÖM MÄKINEN" in our front door I have to grin to myself a little. Fate works in mysterious ways sometimes.)

---

Tonight was the final gig of Nightwish's Dark Passion Play tour. I had a ticket, but I had to sell it at the last minute due to being broke ATM. But somehow I don't even feel bad about it. So much has changed during these past couple of years it would probably have been mostly a bittersweet experience. Heh, I was just listening to David Guetta & Akon's Sexy Bitch (I blame Alexander Skarsgård, or at the very least this video, it's freaking addictive!) and was vividly reminded of mine and Vera's misadventures in the Helsinki night with Aine and James two years ago. Dancing at the posh penthouse nightclub with (Finnish, don't get too excited) celebrities all around, oh my. xD It would have been funny to see if something like that would have happened again.
But yeah... When it comes down to it, it's probably best I didn't go. If I'm completely honest with myself, I would pretty much have gone only to see Tanja, Patricia, Ricarda and everyone. And maybe Apocalyptica. It's really sad in a way because the band used to mean so much to me. The irony is palpable. Ah well...

---

I also have some thoughts on True Blood considering the final three episodes and the series in general, but I'll probably post them in a separate entry as I really should be sleeping already. Last night I stayed up all night and then slept half the day, oops. Tommi being out of town is clearly not good for my sleeping pattern. :p

So, goodnight kittens, and also sorry for being such a lousy (LJ) friend lately, been busy with the flat and all. :/

darnaguen: (gryffindor)
Hiya guys. I'm alive.
Sorry I've been so AWOL lately, been busy/stressed/generally lethargic for these past few weeks for reasons I shall get to soon.

But first... During these past few weeks I've also been finally catching up with True Blood, but while addictive and entertaining, it didn't manage to really impress me until the last Sunday's episode I Will Rise Up. More about that under the cut. (Note: spoilers only up to 2x09, waiting for 2x10 to download while I sleep)

'Are you very afraid?' 'No, no! I'm full of joy!' )


darnaguen: (morrigan)
Some mystical mumbo-jumbo about auras and such... )

------

Anyways... You know what? I really want a fanfic where Mitchell from Being Human bonds with Angel and Doyle about being a supernatural Irishman over pints of Guinness. It would be awesome.
darnaguen: (Default)
Nice meme copied from [livejournal.com profile] meltintowalls :


I miss somebody right now. I dont watch TV these days. I wear glasses or contact lenses. I love to play video games. I have been in a threesome. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. I’m TOTALLY smart. I’ve broken someone’s bones. I’m paranoid sometimes. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I need money right now. I LOVE sushi. I talk really, really fast. I have long hair. I have lost money in Las Vegas. I have at least one sibling. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. I couldn’t survive without Caller ID. I like the way I look. I am usually pessimistic. I have a lot of mood swings. I have a hidden talent. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. I have a lot of onlinefriends. I am currently single. I have pecked someone of the same sex.I enjoy talking on the phone. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. I love to shop.2 Enjoy window shopping. I would rather shop than eat. I don’t hate anyone. I’m a great dancer.I’m embarrassed to be seen with my mother.4 I have a cell phone. I believe in God. I watch MTV on a daily basis. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. I’ve rejected someone before. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to have children in the future. I have changed a diaper before. I’ve called the cops on a friend before. I’m not allergic to anything. I have a lot to learn. I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger. I am shy around the opposite sex. I have tried alcohol before. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past. I own the “South Park” movie. I would die for my best friends. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. I have used my sexuality to advance my career. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. I am happy at this moment. I’m obsessed with guys. I study for tests most of the time. I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met. I am comfortable with who I am right now. I have more than just my ears pierced. I walk barefoot wherever I can. I have jumped off a bridge. I love sea turtles. I spend ridiculous money on makeup. Plan on achieving a major goal/dream. I’m proficient in a musical instrument. I worked at McDonald’s restaurant. I hate office jobs. I love sci-fi movies. I think water rules. I want to go to college out of state.I like sausages. I love kisses. I usually like covers better than originals. I can pick up things with my toes. I can’t whistle. I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. I have ridden a horse. I still have every journal I’ve ever written in. I moantalk in my sleep. I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time. I have jazz in my blood. I wear a toe ring. I have a tattoo. I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with. I am a caffeine junkie. I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. I have been to over 15 conventions. I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better. I’m an artist. I only clean my room when necessary. I like a person of the same sex. I love being happy. I am an adrenaline junkie.

1) Kissed with tongues, more like. *snigger*
2) I never used to before, but now it seems I can't help myself. O_o
3) Not great perhaps, but for someone untrained I think I'm pretty decent.
4) Seen, no. Heard, maybe. :p
5. Halloween is awesome because it's my birthday. ;)
6) I don't, as a matter of fact, live in the US, but I'd love to study in Ireland. *sigh*


Anyways, I'd better go to bed now, gotta be off to Tampere tomorrow to see the boy and discuss... oh yes, moving in together. ;p
More about that later, I swear.

darnaguen: (being human)
Okay, onto the second post then...
I have some pretty serious (no, no, no one's died or anything, don't worry) recent stuff to write about, but since I still need to mull over it inside my head for a while and I'm really bursting to get this off my chest, first I have some advertising for you.

Being Human. I mean, wow.

I don't suppose very many of you (in addition to you new people on my flist <3) have heard of this little gem of a TV show, so allow me to tell you about it...

Meet Mitchell (first name John but no one really calls him that), a laid-back porter in a Bristol hospital. He appears to be in his mid-twenties; a tall, handsome young man with wavy dark hair, wiry build and a soft Irish brogue. He's quick to smile and laugh, very caring toward his friends and great with kids. Oh, and also manages to look great in yellow.

His best mate is George Sands. He also works as a porter in the hospital despite his high level of education (he speaks six languages fluently) and IQ of 156. George is... well, a bit geeky. He wears glasses, is quite pedantic and socially awkward, and has a habit of starting to stutter when he gets nervous. He's also Jewish, though he has lately started to doubt his faith.

The boys share their flat with Annie, a sweet-natured and sort of innocently childlike former student of design with some self-confidence issues and an obsessive-compulsive habit of making tea. She's a bit agoraphobic and still hung up on her ex.

So, what's the catch, you ask?

Well... Mitchell has been a vampire since 1916 (hee!) when he was "recruited" during the First World War (he went through with it so save his squadron), but has recently been struggling to keep on the wagon and not kill anyone. Against all odds he teamed up with George, another outcast from humanity for having had the bad luck to get scratched by a werewolf on a holiday trip to Scotland (never go walking on the Scottish moors alone on a night of full moon!) two years ago. By some coincidence they happened to move in to the very house where one Anna Sawyer had fallen down the stairs to her untimely death, also two years ago...

Together they form an adorable, hilarious trio of friends and flatmates, trying to live normal life the best they can despite their respective supernatural states and the problems they bring. It's... absolutely awesome.
It's dark, it's funny, it's brilliant, it's strangely realistic. It has well-rounded characters (for once a TV vampire isn't defined by his vampiredom, Mitchell feels every bit like a real person), some great music choices (most of which are sadly missing on the DVD version, boo), awesome dialogue and some stellar acting.
I can only highly recommend it, it's the best thing I've watched since Life on Mars probably (if we don't count DW, that is). Too bad there's only six 56-minute episodes so far, in addition to the pilot with different actors for Mitchell (a bit more enigmatic and emo) and Annie (a bit more frail). Eight more are to come in next January, though, and I already can't bloody wait.

There's just something about British productions that I'm drawn to. I mean, I can't basically even watch American tv anymore after being spoiled with the likes of Doctor Who, Life on Mars, Hex, all those stunning period dramas (the latest in line being the gorgeous The Devil's Whore) and now this. No offense meant to any Americans, but British tv just somehow feels so much more real even if it was about witches, vampires or time-travel.
Of course there are exceptions, but one good example are IMHO relationships. In British tv there are often some delightfully subtle love stories in the good old "will they-won't they" vein, or simply some amazing, realistically layered friendships. [MINOR SPOILER]For example, on Being Human there's a cute moment when two of the main characters accidentally kiss. Okay, it's certainly there on purpose, but while in some American show it would have most likely lead to a loaded moment of UST and heaving bosoms, here they just simply laugh it off with genuine affection and carry on with their (un-)lives. Awesome. :)[/MINOR SPOILER]

But anyway, here's a bit upbeat (even though the show itself certainly isn't that all the time) taste of what it's like:



Now I'll bid you goodnight, I must go make sure Saoirse (my eight-month-old kitty who underwent sterilization today) doesn't rip open her stitches or do anything else stupid as she's still a bit wobbly.
darnaguen: (Default)
So. A new layout. And some new people on my friends list. Hello! *waves* And welcome. :)

Since I haven't updated in more than a month I have so much to write about that it's probably best to divide it to several posts, otherwise it'd be the longest and most confusing post ever.

Anyways... [profile] shadow_wolfess  was here for the weekend, as she attended Ruisrock (for those who don't know, Ruisrock is the second oldest rock festival in Europe and one of the oldest in the world having been held in my hometown every year since 1970) and was in need of a place to crash. 
It seems that with a press pass and a right amount of luck you can have some amazing experiences, judging by the things she told me about Friday night. Though without some balls and initiative I suppose you don't get very far, even if you have the luck of the Irish. :p
Anyway, as her Russian journalist friends left on Saturday already, I could have the press and backstage passes from one of them for Sunday. It was an interesting experience, although not as glamorous as some people might imagine.

I mean, I did love watching Gogol Bordello perform from the stage (with Lauri Porra and Timo Kotipelto from Stratovarius standing right next to me :D) for example, but all those musicians buzzing around the backstage are just people, having lunch and going to the loo just like anyone else. Talented/eccentric/charismatic people maybe, but people nevertheless. (Okay, maybe I would have been a bit more starstruck had I been there on Friday to see... not Corey Taylor or anyone from Slipknot or Disturbed, but Jaska Raatikainen from Children of Bodom. That guy just has this weird thing about him that makes me go all gooey anytime I even see a picture of him. Strange.) I don't know if I would have reacted differently to the Faith No More members, but guess I'll never know because they wanted everyone "extra" out of their backstage, including us who only had Slipknot stage passes. Ah well.

(Side note: If you ever get a chance to catch Gogol Bordello live, don't miss it! They're phenomenal live, a mere CD doesn't do justice to their music, they're a lot like Flogging Molly in that sense. And even though you perhaps couldn't guess it judging by his looks Eugene Hütz is one hella charismatic frontman, and all that frantic bouncing around the stage has given him an incredibly ripped, yet wiry torso. Yowza. Also the new longer hairstyle becomes him. But anyway, like Flogging Molly, they also seem to genuinely enjoy performing, which is lovely to see. :) So, go!)

But it's so funny, in that ironic way, that now that I have given up my aspirations to become a music journalist and don't really follow what's going on in the scene anymore, I'm offered a chance to become one. Just as an unpaid amateur - at first anyway - but still. I did make a tentative promise to Tanja to do some translation work and maybe some gig reports for them, but I don't know if I could handle being a full-fledged journalist, I'd certainly have to work on my self-confidence and social anxiety. *chuckle*

But we'll see... Now I'll leave you with this:


(Not recorded by us, we were already waiting for the boat at that point.)

darnaguen: (J/E freedom)
I'm starting to think more and more that it actually might be a good thing that lots of my stuff is still in the packing boxes and my room's still unfinished. The winds of change are blowing again.

But the biggest question remains: where to next?
darnaguen: (tardis)
Once again I'd have so much to write about, but I'm too restless/annoyed/what have you at the moment to really focus on anything.
But while browsing randomly I came across this meme, snagged from [livejournal.com profile] un4scene, and just had to do it:

When you see this post, quote from Doctor Who on your LJ.

"There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, and somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do." -7th Doctor

There are tons of fantastic (pun intended) quotes in DW, old and new, but this one has been my favourite lately. I don't expect very many to participate, but ah well. You don't know what you're missing. ;)
darnaguen: (badwolf)
*raises both hands apologetically* I know, I know. Another emo lyric entry. My excuse is PMS or some other hormone-induced weepiness.
But once again this song describes my feelings better than anything I could come up with.

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around?
Is this the bed I chose to make?
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bareback, carefree
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping headfirst, headlong
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too
Recklessly emboundening myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses...
darnaguen: (monkey island)
I feel like there's so much less in my life nowadays. It's mostly my own fault, I suppose, I've given a lot up. But I miss those things.

I miss playing Werewolf: The Apocalypse. I was really fond of Maarit and the Windwalkers pack. I'm really sorry I let Aarne & co. down. I never wanted to become that kind of girlfriend (even though that's not really the whole explanation).
I miss Qigong. I really enjoyed it, and should at least practice it on my own.
I kind of miss my Nightwish fandom, even though it hasn't really been my scene in a year or so anymore. But I miss the people. I just can't handle the drama and responsibility on the forum any longer, and... I'm just not really a fan anymore.

I miss Call of Cthulhu. I miss those long walks and debates with Samuel (where are you, man?). I miss watching movies at Mervi's place and her cats (she lives in Romania now, life's funny sometimes). I miss Whisky Bar and its awesome jukebox. I miss babysitting Tommi and Knaapi when they're being drunken idiots. I miss larping the way it still was four or five years ago.

Hell, I miss having a social life of my own. This place is constantly full of people, but it just makes me feel more lonely because mostly I just feel like I'm in the way. "Oh sorry, don't mind me, I just live here.". One of the main reasons why I spend so much time at Tampere nowadays is because I barely feel like this is my home at all anymore.
And yeah, I have a boyfriend now, but I don't want him to be my entire social life. I really DON'T want to be that kind of girlfriend. *faint panicked look of a cornered animal*

Call me, poke me on Facebook, send me a message in a bottle. Ask me out for a drink, to movies, to the park or riverside to eat ice cream. I can't promise 100% to be in Turku, but if I am I promise I'll come.
I'm already looking forward to Teinigoottipiknik, thank you Venla. <3

(Oh dear God this track gives me chills. ;__; <3)
darnaguen: (ireland)
Rougher than Death the road I choose
Yet shall my feet not walk astray,
Though dark, my way I shall not lose
For this way is the darkest way.

Set but a limit to the loss
And something shall at last abide
The blood-stained beams that form the cross
The thorns that crown the crucified;

But who shall lose all things in One,
Shut out from heaven and the pit
Shall lose the darkness and the sun
The finite and the infinite;

And who shall see in one small flower
The chariots and the thrones of might
Shall be in peril from that hour
Of blindness and the endless night;

And who shall hear in one short name
Apocalyptic thunders seven
His heart shall flicker like a flame
Twixt hell’s gates and the gates of heaven.

For I have seen your body’s grace,
The miracle of the flowering rod,
And in the beauty of your face,
The glory of the face of God,

And I have heard the thunderous roll
Clamour from heights of prophecy
Your splendid name, and from my soul
Uprose the clouds of minstrelsy.

Now I have chosen in the dark
The desolate way to walk alone
Yet strive to keep alive one spark
Of your known grace and grace unknown.

And when I leave you lest my love
Should seal your spirit’s ark with clay,
Spread your bright wings, O shining dove,—
But my way is the darkest way.


-Joseph Mary Plunkett, April 1916
darnaguen: (lotr)
My apologies for a) making a lyric entry b) posting these lyrics for the second time already. But they really describe my thoughts and feelings at the moment better than anything I could come up with myself.

Oh, here you are,
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down,
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want,
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own...


Plus: For a while now I've had a very ugly feeling that the time is really starting to run out and right now it's making me so anxious I can barely breathe, let alone function normally. *stares at her trembling hands*

Maybe next time I can write some kind of decent update about my life lately. *sigh*
darnaguen: (Default)
Fucking fuckety fuck.

If I was anxious and desperate the last time days before the Cloud Islands, this time I just seriously want to give up and only want it to be over already. I know I said it the last time as well, but really, if this succeeds, I'll call it a divine miracle. This whole thing is a big fucking mess.
I still think we should have postponed it, or cancelled it altogether. Because this shit? Is a haphazard work in progress at best.
I'm really sorry that it always seems to be you who suffers of the Cloud Islands curse of lousy luck, [livejournal.com profile] grindwyn. *sigh* I really really wanted especially that dynamic to work out, but what the hell can you do when first there's no one to play Birchleaf and then goddamn Santeri has to cancel too so Blackthorn lacks a player as well. Perkele.

It's perhaps not the most exemplary GM behaviour to run off to your boyfriend in Tampere when the stress level becomes too much to handle and I've probably been driving poor Tommi up the wall, but I'm pretty sure that had I gone back to Turku instead on Monday night, I'd be a wreck by now.
But we'll see what tomorrow brings, when I'm back in Turku. *sigh*

darnaguen: (ireland)
You're reading these words, right? Right.
Therefore, you must tell me why I'm on your friend list (or why you're stalking my LJ. :D)

Then copy this to your own journal to find out what people say.


(Fine. You can post an anonymous comment if you really must. ;p)
darnaguen: (freedom)
I'm pretty sure this is not what I signed for.
Odd affectionate alliance? Weelll... Shit. After these last three days, I don't even know anymore.
Somehow things managed to get both easier and a whole lot weirder between us.

But I suppose I should stop worrying and just enjoy what I have. Six years ago the mere idea of lying in his bed, drinking tea and listening to the Goo Goo Dolls would have sounded too good to be true. And really, I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I'm a lucky bitch.
Except... Yeah. Still not too keen on sharin'. Hypocritical much? *chuckle*
Especially because I've always said neat labels and categories are useless but now I find myself in need of something to describe what we are. "Odd affectionate alliance" still fits in a way, I suppose. "Awfully coupley non-couple"? "Something too fucking complicated to even describe with words (but not really)"? *shakes her head with a wry smile*

Ah well. I'd better talk about it with him or something.
(And I'd appreciate it if people didn't meddle, even though I'm sure you guys mean well.)

P.S. Dear god, I love this band. <3
darnaguen: (f/e)
 So... Valentine's Day, huh?
As a some kind of casual tradition I have usually posted something relevant to the theme every year. This time I thought about it for a while until I came across a certain picture that, to me, says everything about love in a way that no amount of words ever could.

´

Billie Piper and David Tennant, ladies and gentlemen. In addition to portraying possibly the most adorable, inspirational, unique and heartbreaking love story ever on television, they're also quite possibly the most adorable pair of BFF ever. Love, pure and simple. <3

Oh, and speaking of said love story... There is an absolutely gorgeous picspam I would warmly recommend to, well, anyone (but I suppose it only makes any sense if you know at least the basics of Doctor Who), made by [livejournal.com profile] fiery_twilight : 

(it kinda spoils the first two seasons, though, just so you know)

...Yeah. Who wouldn't want love like that? *wistful smile*

But anyways, it is also a tradition of mine to post theme-related music in one form or another, so here's
Miracle Drug )

And that's all for now, folks. Much love for everybody, and be Excellent to each other. <3
darnaguen: (twilight)
 Human emotions. I don't want them. Please take them away.

...I thought I was over this crap.
Help?

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