darnaguen: (Default)
 I just heard someone from my past died yesterday. And I don't know how I should feel about it.

To clarify a little, he's the guy I'm talking about here.
So my first thought was "Good riddance." Then I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Yeah, complicated.
For all the crap he pulled, I did love him once. And he taught me a lot about myself, if indirectly.
I still think he could have chosen another path, that he still had hope when I met him. I wish he will in the next lifetime.

(Also funny: I had a strange, kind of wistful dream about him a few nights ago. Now I can't help but feeling it was a goodbye.)

Some people I know who knew him feel like celebrating. And I can't blame them. He caused a lot of damage.
To me as well. But still...

Run free, brother. I hope you will find the Moonlight Realm.

----

Kerran, kylmän keväisen kuutamon alla,
alla taivaan harmajan, hiljaisen,
kuljin kanssaan suomaalla vierahalla
sieluni toivetta etsien.

Ei kuu meille näyttänyt kasvojaan,
kuten tähdetkin, peittivät pilvet sen.
Me jäimme lammelle istumaan
aivan hiljaa, yötä kuunnellen.

Oli huurteessa metsä ja roudassa maa,
peitti jääriite soistuvan lammen pintaa;
vaan kaks' oli liekkiä palavaa
mi korvensi kahden yön lapsen rintaa.

Paloi veressä yö, kaipuu rinnassa soi,
vaisto vaati kutsua seuraamaan.
Vaan kutsuun ei kumpikaan vastata voi -
ihmisiä me olemme, orjia vaan.

Vapautta mi hain, sitä löytänyt en,
rauhaa sydämeeni en löytänyt lain.
Vaan vääristyi olemus totuuden
ja itseni pahemmin kahlitsin vain.

On kaukana kuunvalon valtakunta,
sinne pääsenkö koskaan? Tiedä en.
Nukkuu vierelläin veljeni suden unta
-kenties vapauden polkuja kulkien...

-Spring 2004
darnaguen: (morrigan)
I am twenty-three and this I have learned:

a) There is no excuse for three things: cheating, bullying and school shooting.

Disagree all you like, but you can't change my mind about this.

b) Righteous fury is one of the greatest natural highs, but not something you want to feel.

---

I am twenty-three and I wish the day I turned twenty-three had never happened.

Though, had it not been that day, it would most likely have been some other day.
But I don't think there could have been a worse possible day for that.

---

I am twenty-three and I find myself thinking of where goes the fine line between forgiveness and masochism.

Or trust and stupidity.
darnaguen: (badwolf)
*raises both hands apologetically* I know, I know. Another emo lyric entry. My excuse is PMS or some other hormone-induced weepiness.
But once again this song describes my feelings better than anything I could come up with.

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around?
Is this the bed I chose to make?
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bareback, carefree
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping headfirst, headlong
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too
Recklessly emboundening myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses...
darnaguen: (lotr)
My apologies for a) making a lyric entry b) posting these lyrics for the second time already. But they really describe my thoughts and feelings at the moment better than anything I could come up with myself.

Oh, here you are,
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down,
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want,
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own...


Plus: For a while now I've had a very ugly feeling that the time is really starting to run out and right now it's making me so anxious I can barely breathe, let alone function normally. *stares at her trembling hands*

Maybe next time I can write some kind of decent update about my life lately. *sigh*
darnaguen: (freedom)
I'm pretty sure this is not what I signed for.
Odd affectionate alliance? Weelll... Shit. After these last three days, I don't even know anymore.
Somehow things managed to get both easier and a whole lot weirder between us.

But I suppose I should stop worrying and just enjoy what I have. Six years ago the mere idea of lying in his bed, drinking tea and listening to the Goo Goo Dolls would have sounded too good to be true. And really, I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I'm a lucky bitch.
Except... Yeah. Still not too keen on sharin'. Hypocritical much? *chuckle*
Especially because I've always said neat labels and categories are useless but now I find myself in need of something to describe what we are. "Odd affectionate alliance" still fits in a way, I suppose. "Awfully coupley non-couple"? "Something too fucking complicated to even describe with words (but not really)"? *shakes her head with a wry smile*

Ah well. I'd better talk about it with him or something.
(And I'd appreciate it if people didn't meddle, even though I'm sure you guys mean well.)

P.S. Dear god, I love this band. <3
darnaguen: (twilight)
 Human emotions. I don't want them. Please take them away.

...I thought I was over this crap.
Help?
darnaguen: (lotr)
The last time I posted an update there were still leaves in the trees, green leaves even.
Now it's snowing.

What else is different?
Well...

- For the past two and a half months I've been living together with [livejournal.com profile] casanovasi (my baby sister Ella, that is) in a roomy, bohemian and comfortable if a bit drafty (but I have a fireplace in my room! <3) apartment and it's been really nice so far. No major drama yet anyway. ;p
- There's a young (well, relatively), intelligent, charismatic black democrat in the White House, for what it's worth, and it may have a major impact on the whole world as we know it. We live interesting times, that is for sure.
- I think I may kinda have a boyfriend. And, knowing me, that's a major issue. *deep sigh*

I should probably elaborate, no?
But I don't even know what to say because in 2+ weeks I still haven't figured things out myself. I mean, how did that happen? And even if I wasn't the fucked-up loony with a truckload of intimacy and commitment and what-have-you issues I am, things would be complicated.
And of course he won't listen. *sigh* So I guess we're kind of screwed.

But I suppose I'm not making any sense right now, so I'd better go to sleep or something.
Just wanted to let you kittens know I haven't vanished from the face of Earth just yet.
darnaguen: (twilight)
I went for a run last night. Or, well, more like a vigorous walk because I'm still in too rubbish a physical shape to be effortlessly running/jogging for 1,5 kilometers, especially in the dark forest.

But anyway, it's a pity I haven't done that more often lately. I suppose it really is like that, that one doesn't truly realize what they have until they (are about to) lose it. I have to make sure I'll do that whenever I can for the following two weeks because soon the rustle of wind in the treetops, birdsong and the sound of the gliders swooping leisurely overhead will be traded to sounds of city and railway. No more chances to just step out of your door and run into the woods whenever you feel like it.

This has been a good place to live. Unpractically far from the town centre, sure, but generally a good place to live. My only regret -- as I said -- is that I haven't really taken everything I can out of my surroundings. For example I haven't been exploring the Riihikallio-Pomponrahka area much at all.
But I don't know... Maybe it's psychological, but again last night when I first went uphill towards Riihikallio and then followed the jogging path back past the water tower and eventually into Nunnavuori, the hairs in the back of my neck were standing up until I was well past the water tower. Sure, it was also one of those Nordic late summer nights, half-dark in a way that can make your imagination play tricks on you if you don't keep your wits about you, and with a pale waning moon casting faint beams though the trees.
But I've been in that area (Riihikallio, that is) in broad daylight and still felt strange. And I don't think it's just the ruins of the burned-down house, it's something... older, I think. Ah well, perhaps Ella is right...
I should also return to Pomponrahka/Isosuo with a clean slate, try to forget all that bullshit that went on 3-4 years ago and just trust my instincts.

Aki called the other night, by the way. Just to ask me to hang out and have a drink because he was in town, I'm sure, but I still found it a bit funny. I couldn't go, but he also said he might be coming back in September (that bloody September again *chuckle*), maybe attend our house-warming party.
This sure is going to be interesting... *shakes head*
darnaguen: (tardis)
Beware, incoherent emo entry ahead.

It's only appropriate, you know, that something that can make you happy like nothing else can (and usually will) also break your heart like nothing else. Change feels like dying because it is.

No, no. Nothing radical has happened in my life, really. I am in fact once again crying about fictional stuff.
But you see, the thing is: it's never only fictional.

I may never have, say, lost my love forever to a parallel universe. But believe me, I still know how it must feel.
Change feels like dying because it is. And I know change, even though it sometimes can feel like nothing ever changes. But eventually everything will. And I bet it will feel like dying.

Funny thing, by the way: in the Doctor Who (for how could I be talking about anything else?) universe, the Eternals call Void (or as we might call it, Hell) "The Howling". And the heart of the cosmic energy, the infinity and the eternity, the divine Mother Goddess, if you will? Bad Wolf.
Someone knows their irony.

And what of Love?
It will kill and save you, take your heart that's barely beating and fill it with hope beyond the stars. It is beautiful and terrifying because it always walks hand in hand with Loss, the thing every human being fears the most.
Are you afraid of the big Bad Wolf? If you keep running from her, you will never truly know Love. But you will never truly know Loss either. So are you?

I am.
But the Doctor has taught me that sometimes it's worth it to just let go of your fear and just... love.

Ah, anyway... There are two absolutely beautiful songs I've discovered recently and have wanted to share with you for a while now. You can either just listen to them or download them if you wish:

Trading Yesterday - The Beauty & the Tragedy
Trading Yesterday - She Is The Sunlight (and the slightly alternative album version).

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll fix them because I'd really like all of you to have a chance to hear those songs.
darnaguen: (morrigan)
I was going to write more about Ropecon today, but I came to the conclusion that I don't actually have much to say about the event itself.
It was Ropecon. Hot long-haired guys, girls with elf ears, wacky antics and general boredom.

It was a good 'Con, but to me personally it's quite irrelevant because the reason why I was there wasn't the con itself. I was there because I felt I had to be there. I had lived in my safe little bubble for too long and blocked out all unpleasant thoughts about fate and future and whatnot.
It is clearly time to take the initiative and do something, even though I still don't know what I should do. But I thought I'd start with those two conversations I had on the Saturday night. There is a lot more to discuss with both of them, but yeah, it's a start.

I also decided that I will start Taiji-Qigong again this September, no matter what. I already wasted a year.

Hmm. There's much I want to say, but I can't quite find right words. I already wrote some stuff in my blog (link is in my sidebar in case someone's interested in reading strange ramblings), but even that didn't come out quite right. I'm feeling restless, like I should do something or say something, but I don't know what. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. As usual. *sigh*
darnaguen: (lotr)
(Entry in Finnish, sorry folks. :p)

Ropeconista kotiutuminen on aina yhtä hämmentävä kokemus, paluu arkitodellisuuteen.
Yritän tässä parhaillani järjestellä ajatuksiani johonkin selkeään muotoon miettien samalla mistä sitä kannattaa puhua ja mistä ei (tervetuloa darnaonkryptinen.comiin!).

Yleisesti ottaen oli ihan mukava coni.
Perinteisiä koko vuorokauden syömättä valvomisia, öisiä urheilukentällä juoksenteluja ja pornopolkan tanssimisia ei tänä vuonna tullut harrastettua, eikä juuri tälläytymistäkään (eeppisin asusteeni taisi olla 30-luku -henkinen olkihattuni), mutta toisaalta taas mm. pelasin keskellä yötä Aliasta tuikituntemattomien kanssa, pistin Ellan kanssa oman kahden hengen diskon pystyyn larp-tiskin luo, nauroin katketakseni melko ruokapöytään sopimattomille ja vähintäänkin levottomille keskusteluille ravintolan nurkkapöydässä. Ja harastin öisiä keskusteluja eeppisistä aiheista.

Alunperinhän minun ei olisi edes ollut tarkoitus lähteä, enimmäksen varattomuuden vuoksi. Viime lauantaina kuitenkin sattui kadulla vastaan kävelemään Perttu, joka ilmoitti, että ellen muuten tule 'Coniin, hän maksaa matkani. Varmemmaksi vakuudeksi hän vielä ilmoitti aikovansa cosplayata Doctor Who:ta. Siinä vaiheessa nostin kädet pystyyn ja annoin periksi. Yleensä Kohtalo (tai miksi sitä sitten haluaakin nimittää) nimittäin tökkii minua tuolla tavoin kylkeen syystä.
Olen ihan tyytyväinen, että päätin lähteä. Mitään maailmoja mullistavaa nyt ei tapahtunut, mutta pari keskustelua oli kai ihan hyvä käydä (vaikken yhä vieläkään olekaan varsinaisesti riemuissani siitä, että ne ylipäätään piti käydä. Mutta lienee turha toivoa, että jos sulkee silmät ja yrittää uskotella itselleen, että sitä ei ole olemassa, se menee pois).
Ja on tietty aina mukava nähdä uusia ja vanhoja tuttuja, vaikka olikin välillä aika ulkopuolinen olo kun olen viime aikoina pudonnut aika tehokkaasti larppiympyröistä. Mutta onneksi minulla oli Tommi (siis se toinen Tommi :D) seurana aina kun Ella & co. viipottivat jonnekin omille teilleen, ja vietinkin sitten osapuilleen 90% conista hänen kanssaan, mikä oli mukavaa. :) Hassu maailma.

Seuraavaksi pitääkin alkaa keskittyä muuttoon ja sen erinäisiin järjestelyihin. Gah.
Saapa nähdä mihin tässä taas ollaan menossa.

...

17 June 2008 04:13
darnaguen: (species)
I have an unexplainable and quite frightening urge to get drunk, totally shit-faced drunk.
Not that I could, at the moment. Two puny cans of Rekorderlig and a small bottle of Vana Tallinn that currently reside in my fridge are hardly enough to get me anything more than mildly sloshed. So why bother.

I've also recently come to a conclusion that I'm even more fucked-up than I've given myself credit for. I'm only surprised of how long it took me to realize it. *chuckle*
Asocial. Avoidant. Obsessive-Compulsive. (Passively) self-destructive. And who knows what else.
So maybe that psychiatric evaluation and personal therapist assigned to me weren't such bad ideas after all.

Meh.
darnaguen: (Default)
Feeling helpless must be the most horrible feeling in the universe, when you want to do something to make things better but know you can't or just don't know what could you do.

Why, you idiot? Why?!

I have a very ugly feeling the shit is only starting to pile up. *sigh*
And I so much wish there was a way to stop the time.
darnaguen: (wolf)
I feel like a part of me is missing, like someone stole a piece of my soul.
And I hate it. I didn't think I would feel like this ever again.

Damn you.
(I want to howl.)

[/cryptic emo entry]
darnaguen: (Default)
So... If I have learned something important or met someone important in each year's September ever since 2003, I guess this year's lesson is: "Your actions have consequences."
I've also come to realize, although more recently than in September, what an arrogant, presumptuous fool I have occasionally been (and what consequences it has had).

It's oddly fitting that I learned this now, because during the past two weeks I've been having a some kind of Jane Austen phase (I've watched the new Pride & Prejudice movie at least thrice and listened to the soundtrack on repeat). So if I've identified with Lizzy before, I understand her dismay after realizing how wrong she had been even better now. And Darcy's too, especially after reading Maya Slater's Mr. Darcy's Diary, fanfiction in form of literature as it may be.

I'm pretty ashamed of myself, especially for the trouble and chagrin I have unintentionally caused to others, but I guess there's no use dwelling on it. Past is past. *sigh*

Ahh, anyways... I suppose something good came out of that little misadventure in Helsinki a couple of weeks ago as well, because it now looks like me and Ella are going to Dublin in April. For real. I've now decided to go there in the spring even if we don't get tickets to that NW gig. It would be cool, of course, as they're still my favourite band and all, but... yeah.
So, in conclusion: Whoo yeah, I'm going home(?)! *big wide grin*
darnaguen: (Default)
Isn't it funny how sometimes there are people you meet and just immediately like, and feel like you've known them for ages? I think I have a new friend, and it makes me really happy.
But the thing is, that person is the most unexpected friend I'd ever thought I'd have.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My life, after all, is apparently doomed to be full of strange occurences and "coincidences". *wry smile*

Hmh, to Tavastia tomorrow (Wednesday).
It will undoubtedly be interesting experience, for more than one reason. Not only because the band itself has changed, but also because my own view on them has changed. I no longer can be just a happy, carefree fangirl, which is quite sad. Sometimes ignorance indeed is bliss.
And this isn't to say that I have learned some horrible truth about them or something, no. It's just... the whole thing has become such an unavoidable part of my life that I can't get rid of it just like that even if I wanted to. A duty, even.

Ah well, I should probably go to sleep. Busy day tomorrow.
I have to do laundry, send some e-mails, run some errands like getting myself a new student card, go to school, panic about Wednesday (as I always panic about everything) and also try to find time to study the Forgotten Realms books I borrowed from Jupe and Aarne and for my forthcoming campaign. (Me GMing an RPG campaign, can you imagine? But apparently people want me to, so I guess it's worth a try.)
darnaguen: (Default)
Oh fuck. Looks like I'm doing the bailing thing again.
The thing where I'm supposed to go somewhere or do something but instead I don't and I cower and hide and shut down and hate myself for doing so.
Not good. Not good at all

I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to fight it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Darna. *bangs her head agains the desk*

I suppose I need some sort of help, but who could help me?
Not those psych guys for sure. They're supposed to be professionals and I have to explain stuff to them. I mean, I could of course be wrong, but I don't think being hypersensitive and empathic has anything to do with being delusional.
No, I do NOT hear voices in my head or in the radiowaves or anything like that. I am NOT afraid of absorbing into someone else or absorbing someone else into myself. I do NOT over-identify with fictional characters (I mean, I may identify with them, but I don't walk around believing seriously I'm a 17th century pirate or something) and can tell fiction from reality just fine.
While other people's emotions taking over me may confuse me from time to time, I've never lost the grasp of my own identity (well, not any more than any normal teenager, as everyone goes through that "Who am I?" phase I suppose).

Ah well. Maybe they just don't have to deal so often with people like me who are just so bloody sensitive to everything (on increasing level, no less...) that it's making them neurotic, socially challenged nerve-racks who have to push people away and keep them at arm's length to shield both themselves from others and others from themselves. *bitter chuckle*
Maybe I just have to accept that I'm doomed because as far as I know, there's nothing that can be done about this. They could of course sedate me or lock me up in some institute, but would it help on long run? Hell no.

Some sort of meditation? If only I had the patience to try. *sigh*
darnaguen: (Default)
Hmm. I should probably start being less open about my eccentricisms on public message boards, I've already apparently managed to make certain people think I'm some obsessed psycho and a possible threat. *dry chuckle*
Oh well, shit happens. It does bother me but I guess there's nothing I can do about it.

Ah well, anyways...
I had a nice day. We went to see the fifth Harry Potter movie and I have to say it became my favourite one after The Prisoner of Azkaban, it had a very similar feel to it.
It followed the book very loyally, had some great scenes, great continuity from the previous films (same sets, props and even clothes and flashbacks from the previous films) and über-cute Tonks and Luna.
But there wasn't enough of the Order! The Order of the Phoenix is probably the coolest thing in the whole Potter universe, they deserve more screen time. Especially Remus, who was on the screen like two minutes if even that much (but ha! I always knew young Remus had long hair :]) and wasn't even in the Advance Guard which is weird because the whole point was that he was the only one there whom Harry knew for sure he could trust. And the "Don't call me Nymphadora!" line was supposed to be bantery and the first hint about what happens in the next book. (Yeah, I ship Remus/Tonks, sue me :p)
Also the finale was a bit anticlimatic somehow and Voldy looked too human, must have been the eyes (and it certainly didn't help to see him in a suit or dressed like Harry).
Bellatrix was okay, though half of the time I couldn't help thinking that Helena Bonham Carter was just being herself. ;p But Rodolphus and Rabastan looked great!
Oh, and the "new" Dumbledore still doesn't convince me. He's too shabby and impatient and where the hell are his half-moon glasses? RIP Richard Harris. *sigh*

After the movie we went to eat some Chinese (which I decided is not really for me) and reminsce the days of old when we were still silly rebellious teens with Ella, Mervi and Fanny and from there to Cosmic Comic Café where we played a funny character analysis game. Apparently I'd be a great tv-safari hostess whose cameramen get eaten by alligators all the time. :D

Meh. I should probably go to sleep.
I already have like three books I'm currently reading, but I have a feeling I just might grab my The Order of the Phoenix from the shelf and re-read it and The Half-Blood Prince before I go buy the last one.

EDIT: Oh fucking hell. That thing really does bother me. *bangs her head against the desk*
I guess I should at least try to do something about it.
darnaguen: (Default)
Strange day.

-Tony was hyperactive and cute and had as weird clothes and stage antics as ever.
-The weather gods have a seriously twisted sense of humor.
-I met an old friend, got a free drink, a new acquaintance and a head full of mixed thoughts.
-Apparently I'm doomed to never witness a Kotiteollisuus gig without the drunk cantor from Kitee. "Karjalasta kajahtaa" indeed.
darnaguen: (Default)
Meh. Looks like it's one of these days again.
I have tickets to Ruisrock for two days, but now that some unfair person moved Gogol Bordello (and added Turisas! Unfair, I tells ya!) to Sunday, I apparently already missed Finntroll and don't really have enough interest for Poisonblack after all, it looks like I'm only going to go check out Children of Bodom (and possibly Amorphis, depending on when I have to leave) today, and they won't start playing before 22.20.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Strangely enough it will be the first time I see Kotiteollisuus play live without Holopainen (unless he decides to surprise everyone and makes an appearance, which would be great because then they could play Satu Peikoista for Ella as a birthday present). But I'll have my beloved "guardian angel"/birthday girl/sister (in arms)/other half of our rockstar magnet duo with me, so all should be good. *knocks wood just in case*

It also sucks that I seem to have one of my unsocial-bordering-snarky phases, and of course half the world wants to hang out with me right now. Figures.

EDIT to add the official cryptic part:
"Why do I miss someone I've never met?"
You said it, boy... You said it. *shakes head incredulously*
Hope you at least have found her now, brother...

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