darnaguen: (Default)
Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.
darnaguen: (Default)
Tell me, why do I larp again, when I know I get anxious and control-freaky about everything and focus way too much on insignificant costuming stuff and in the process fail to absorb the materials as well as I should (why yes, larping in Finland is srs bsns)?
And that I'll probably also feel like an outsider off-game and instead of the wild drinking that usually happens pre- and after-game, just want to have quiet, deep conversation with someone in the corner - but my go-to people for that won't be present.

I’m paying 20€ for something that should be fun and relaxing break from reality, but instead brings me panic attacks and general anxiety.

Why couldn’t I just sit this one out?

(I promise I'll write more about what's been going on in my life lately (not very much, but some of that important) soon, I just needed to get this off my chest right now, and it was a good excuse to activate this thing that has been gathering dust for way too long.)
darnaguen: (Default)
 I've spent the last three days at home on sick leave (well, on Monday I worked for three hours before I had to give up).
It's a welcome (and currently much needed) break even though I've really started to enjoy my job, but I can't help feeling guilty so I can't really relax.

And what's wrong with me? I don't really know. I've suspected for a while now everything isn't quite right with me physically, but a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to run some errands, taking my time putting on make-up and all, when I suddenly felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest right above my left breast. At first I wasn't worried, that kind of stuff probably happens occasionally to everyone. But those stabs kept on coming and I started to get scared. So I called 112 and got visited by some nice paramedics. They didn't discover anything life-threatening but told me to get the day off anyway and go see a nurse. The nurse suspected gallstones and booked me a doctor's appointment just in case, advising me to watch what I eat a bit.

The next two weeks went by quite normally, with only some discomfort , occasional random "stabs" in my torso and a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right in my abdomen.
I went to see the doctor on Friday and had blood tests and ECG taken. Her initial suspicion was that there's something wrong with my diaphragm, which would explain as all the worst stuff is focused on the left side and the "stabs" are often worse when I inhale. I'll only get the test results tomorrow so I went to work on Monday despite having been in a lot of pain over the weekend, but like I said, I lasted only three hours before I started having difficulty breathing because of the pain.

Now, I suffer from anxiety disorder so it was probably just that, the pain and stress at not knowing what's going on having triggered it. But it has effectively rendered me unable to work, which really sucks. I know, it's not my fault and I'm not just shirking my duties. But... gah. We really need every cent we can get at the moment, and I'm not paid for the days I'm not working. So, as they say in the army... SNAFU. :p
I'm just so tired all the time now, and just want to know what's wrong with me so I can deal with it and move on. *sigh*

-----

Okay, to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer, there HAS been something positive lately as well.

1.) As I said, I think I'm starting to figure things out at the bookstore. The bosses have started to trust me more and give me more responsibility. Now if I only can sort these health problems out, I think I may have a chance at getting a real part-time job there. So yay. :)

2.) I finally got around to watching North & South (BBC 2004) completely. I'd seen a part or two of it years ago when they showed it on telly, but my memories were really fuzzy. Anyway, to those of you who don't know: it''s a four-part miniseries based on the book by Elizabeth Gaskell. Its premise is similar to Pride & Prejudice with all the pride and prejudice and misunderstandings before the lovers finally get together, but it's also a hella lot darker and grittier. The setting is mostly a smoky industrial town in Northern England in the 1850s, so the Austenian Regency lightness is absent. People also get beaten up and killed and whatnot left and right.
But the leads Richard Armitage (as John Thornton) and Daniela Denby-Ashe (as Margaret Hale) are really gorgeous and amazing and have a delicious BST going on. Here, have a look:



(that's gotta be the raciest Victorian handshake between people who claim to kinda dislike each other EVER :D)

And I'm not even going to talk about the ending because you have to see it for yourself. But if you want to discuss it in the comments, you are very welcome. ;)
I can't say this about many men, but Richard Armitage does funny things to my heart. *swoon* If/when someone ever deides to film Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, I will cry foul if anyone else is chosen to play the Raven King John Uskglass.

But anyway, if you haven't yet watched it and generally like pretty period dramas etc., do watch it. It also has a really pretty score. <3

3.) I ordered the first one of the Being Human tie-in novels from work and it was awesome. There were minor glitches like Mitchell snagging blood bags to snack on from the hospital and George being Annie's go-to guy when she needs comfort (okay, it does make more sense in the timeline of the second series), but otherwise the atmosphere was really authentic and it was great to have that little extra glimpse into their lives, with all the darkness and sweetness, humor and tragedy the show has. The three books form a single storyline despite having separate settings so of course I immediately had to order the next two as well. :D

-----

Okay, I guess that was it for now. Next time I'll answer your questions, [livejournal.com profile] liduen_loivissa . :)
Just one more thing before I go, just because this song is amazing. Spoiler alert, though:
darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (Default)
Today is not a good day.

In fact, that statement applies to far too many days recently, which is the main reason to the long radio silence lately. I'm sorry about that.
You see, I started an internship/practical training at our local music library about a month ago. Shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, unfortunately it was. It's not the job itself, as shelving books, CDs and sheet music and occasionally pointing someone to the right direction is one of the easiest jobs there is, and the atmosphere is pretty relaxed. It's just... for some reason I apparently had forgotten about my SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder, that is) during the year I spent on sick leave, or somehow assumed it wouldn't be a problem. And well, in a way I was right to assume that because I don't think it has ever been this bad before. This time I've actually often had full-on panic/anxiety attacks. One day I actually blacked out for a moment for hyperventilating so much. *chuckle*
Thank goodness I managed to break the vicious circle of not being able to go to work -> getting even more anxious and told my boss about it and she cut down my work hours, and also went to see a doctor and got some meds. And it is better now, I'm calmer and have managed to go to work and actually stay there most of the time, but naturally there is no miracle drug for a problem like this.

Which leads me to why today is not a good day: like I said, I got some prescripted meds, and as you might know, sedatives, antidepressants and such usually have some not-so-nice side effects at first. Mine are among other things supposed to help me sleep better and without any nightmares, but the downside is that I may also oversleep and be dizzy and nauseous when I wake up. Doesn't exactly help me be at work on time, even though I only have to be there at 2 PM. Of course it's also partially my fault because I haven't remembered to take the meds early enough in the evening.

And today? As usual, I slept too long, and when Tommi tried to nicely wake me up, I just growled something not very polite at him and kept sleeping as I wasn't feeling too good. It's only natural that he got upset, and I can understand very well that I'm not the easiest person to live with right now. *sigh* But anyway... Even though I was already late, I got up and started getting ready to go to work anyway, all the while Tommi was sulking around and practically projecting stormclouds from his forehead. I apologized for being a bitch and explained, but it didn't seem to soften him much. And one thing that is guaranteed to make me crumble: people I care about being mad at me. So yeah, bye bye being responsible and going to work. *sigh* And now I'm sitting here hating myself and fighting anxiety nausea. Yay.

We're also supposed to drive to Lappeenranta to a Halloween party tonight with some friends, which isn't exactly easing my mind because I know people will be bitching about the late hour we can finally start the journey (and even later hour we'll finally be there since the journey takes 5-6 hours). Well, I'm sorry, but Tommi has to be at work till 9.30 PM. Sometimes people have to work, you know.
And besides, the original plan was to leave on Saturday morning, which I still think would have been the smartest choice. But nevermind. *rolls eyes*
It's also my birthday tomorrow, and I must say I don't have very high hopes about having a great birthday since everyone else - being typical Finns - will probably be drunk off their asses, which is something I'm not really into even if I wasn't on those meds. :/

That reminded me that I have to go shop mine and Tommi's food for the weekend. Well, at least then I won't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

So, bye for now. I will really try to update more often in future, and actually write non-whiny entries. :p

Happy Halloween, kittens. <3

edit: This song was probably the best possible choice to cheer me up right now, so thanks Last.fm:



darnaguen: (J/E freedom)
I'm starting to think more and more that it actually might be a good thing that lots of my stuff is still in the packing boxes and my room's still unfinished. The winds of change are blowing again.

But the biggest question remains: where to next?
darnaguen: (badwolf)
*raises both hands apologetically* I know, I know. Another emo lyric entry. My excuse is PMS or some other hormone-induced weepiness.
But once again this song describes my feelings better than anything I could come up with.

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around?
Is this the bed I chose to make?
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bareback, carefree
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping headfirst, headlong
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too
Recklessly emboundening myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses...
darnaguen: (lotr)
My apologies for a) making a lyric entry b) posting these lyrics for the second time already. But they really describe my thoughts and feelings at the moment better than anything I could come up with myself.

Oh, here you are,
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down,
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want,
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own...


Plus: For a while now I've had a very ugly feeling that the time is really starting to run out and right now it's making me so anxious I can barely breathe, let alone function normally. *stares at her trembling hands*

Maybe next time I can write some kind of decent update about my life lately. *sigh*
darnaguen: (Default)
Fucking fuckety fuck.

If I was anxious and desperate the last time days before the Cloud Islands, this time I just seriously want to give up and only want it to be over already. I know I said it the last time as well, but really, if this succeeds, I'll call it a divine miracle. This whole thing is a big fucking mess.
I still think we should have postponed it, or cancelled it altogether. Because this shit? Is a haphazard work in progress at best.
I'm really sorry that it always seems to be you who suffers of the Cloud Islands curse of lousy luck, [livejournal.com profile] grindwyn. *sigh* I really really wanted especially that dynamic to work out, but what the hell can you do when first there's no one to play Birchleaf and then goddamn Santeri has to cancel too so Blackthorn lacks a player as well. Perkele.

It's perhaps not the most exemplary GM behaviour to run off to your boyfriend in Tampere when the stress level becomes too much to handle and I've probably been driving poor Tommi up the wall, but I'm pretty sure that had I gone back to Turku instead on Monday night, I'd be a wreck by now.
But we'll see what tomorrow brings, when I'm back in Turku. *sigh*

darnaguen: (twilight)
 Human emotions. I don't want them. Please take them away.

...I thought I was over this crap.
Help?
darnaguen: (monkey island)
I've had this song playing in my head the whole day. And well, I guess it's strangely appropriate.

I'm no Barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes

And I am not as pretty
As those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core
If they're to be believed

So what if I'm no baby bird
Hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses
That rises out of mud

Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?

You're not some baby boy
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules
Well, I'm sick of all your lies

Now I've held back a wealth of shit,
I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows
With the words stuck in my throat

Does it really come as a surprise
When I tell you I don't feel good?
Nothing ever came from nothing, man
Oh man, ain't that the truth

Why do you love me? etc...

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but I think that I'm right
And you've still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
Do it again
Do it again
Do it again

Why do you love me? etc...


Hm. I think [livejournal.com profile] ihasatardis is basically the only thing keeping me at least in relatively good spirits at the moment. I should probably be concerned. :p
darnaguen: (Default)
Do forgive me if I sound a bit bitter right now, but...

Here's the deal:
Go ahead and fool around as much as you like, none of my business. We are not a couple and regardless of our relationship status you are not my property any more than I am yours.
But don't come to me feeling guilty about it, or fucking imply in any way that it is in any way my fault.
That alright? Good.

*takes a several deep, calming breaths*

Okay, feeling a bit better now.
Hell, sometimes I wish so much I had been born a wolf instead.

It is endlessly fascinating to me, to observe human behaviour, the endless peculiarities of human psyche.
But very often all that also feels very alien to me, all that ugly, messy and unnecessary bullshit that goes on every day. I'm certainly not saying that I'm never petty, jealous, immature or selfish; never whimsical or inconsiderate, that I've never done something just because I want to, regardless of how others may feel about it. It's only human.
But I try my very best not to, to be above such behaviour. I try to be honest, fair and objective in everything I do, to always try to understand, to avoid hurting others the best I can (even if I sometimes have to hurt them to do that).
Does that make me a freak of nature?

Because sometimes it feels like people see me that way. Which... Well, yes, I do understand on certain level. *chuckle*
I suppose I may often appear cold and unfeeling, with my prevalent lack of romantic and sexual feelings and all. It's just... on larger scale they're quite irrelevant, especially all the unnecessary fuss people make about them. Love is what matters most in the end, anyway. (And no, I don't see a contradiction there.)

Ah well. Maybe I am a deviant freak of nature with a manufacturing error, and should run off to the Andes to have a llama farm far away from any human habitation. I have never fit in to modern human society anyway.

Hm. When I started writing this I was feeling bitter. Now I'm just sad and emotionally exhausted.
And for what? Nothing much at all.
Guess it was just a trigger for yet another of my incoherent rants just waiting to break into surface...
darnaguen: (lotr)
The last time I posted an update there were still leaves in the trees, green leaves even.
Now it's snowing.

What else is different?
Well...

- For the past two and a half months I've been living together with [livejournal.com profile] casanovasi (my baby sister Ella, that is) in a roomy, bohemian and comfortable if a bit drafty (but I have a fireplace in my room! <3) apartment and it's been really nice so far. No major drama yet anyway. ;p
- There's a young (well, relatively), intelligent, charismatic black democrat in the White House, for what it's worth, and it may have a major impact on the whole world as we know it. We live interesting times, that is for sure.
- I think I may kinda have a boyfriend. And, knowing me, that's a major issue. *deep sigh*

I should probably elaborate, no?
But I don't even know what to say because in 2+ weeks I still haven't figured things out myself. I mean, how did that happen? And even if I wasn't the fucked-up loony with a truckload of intimacy and commitment and what-have-you issues I am, things would be complicated.
And of course he won't listen. *sigh* So I guess we're kind of screwed.

But I suppose I'm not making any sense right now, so I'd better go to sleep or something.
Just wanted to let you kittens know I haven't vanished from the face of Earth just yet.

...

17 June 2008 04:13
darnaguen: (species)
I have an unexplainable and quite frightening urge to get drunk, totally shit-faced drunk.
Not that I could, at the moment. Two puny cans of Rekorderlig and a small bottle of Vana Tallinn that currently reside in my fridge are hardly enough to get me anything more than mildly sloshed. So why bother.

I've also recently come to a conclusion that I'm even more fucked-up than I've given myself credit for. I'm only surprised of how long it took me to realize it. *chuckle*
Asocial. Avoidant. Obsessive-Compulsive. (Passively) self-destructive. And who knows what else.
So maybe that psychiatric evaluation and personal therapist assigned to me weren't such bad ideas after all.

Meh.
darnaguen: (rackham)
Gaah. In 48 hours I'll be in a plane somewhere above the North Sea, probably.
I'm so nervous and excited and tiny bit afraid too. I hope it will all go well.

But anyway, kittens: now is your last chance to let me know if you want something from Ireland, or if you want me to send you a postcard. I can't promise to bring you the Book of Kells, though, or the Stone of Destiny. ;p

Argh, there's still so much to do and so little time to do it. o_o;;
And I warn you: April Fool's jokes about the trip on Tuesday will NOT amuse me, and I can't promise to not cause you bodily harm if you even try. I'm PMSing, you see (yeah, great timing...).

*goes run around in panicked circles some more*
darnaguen: (Default)
Hm. I guess I now officially have a flat of my own, as I received the key today and now have some of my stuff there. I'm liking the apartment very much and my landlord couple are the nicest people ever. However it looks like I can't move in just yet as I have to pay the first rent on the 4th day and it's going to take all the money I currently have and I have to borrow some from my mom as well. Stupid bureaucracy for thinking I actually have the money to pay the rent AND start a new independent life with the 270€ I got from SSO. *sigh* I just hope it will work out somehow.

I think I'm going to stress myself to death if things keep going on like this. Too much stuff going on at the moment, most of it completely new and strange to me. I already had to forget about the ACS (evening school) and that sucks because it was something I really wanted to do.
I have Fendari (a kind of practical training thing for young people in this handicrafts workshop) again in the morning, but seeing as I'm still awake and literally pulling my hair and shaking with stress... Yeah. That sick leave is starting to sound like a good idea again.
And I hate being so weak. *another sigh*

I'm also sorry I have neglected people horribly and been distant an unsocial and haven't replied to messages and comments. But it's apparently just the way I behave under stress, I cave in and hide inside myself and fictional worlds and time and space become a blur to me and I become really absent-minded. I'm a real mess. *deep sigh*

Just hope that things will get better after I finally have managed to wade through all this crap.

(And now I'm bloody crying because my Last.fm is playing me a sentimental lovesong. Push ))
darnaguen: (Default)
Huomenna alkavat ne psykologiset testit.
Ehkä -toivottavasti- lopulta selviää mikä päässäni oikein on vialla, miksi olen tällainen.
Oli mikä oli, haluan sen ulos itsestäni. Vaikka olenkin nyt jo paremmassa kontrollissa, tuntuu kuin olisin täynnä negatiivista energiaa. Se tuntuu raskaana painona rintakehässä ja kihelmöi sormenpäissä. "Meissä virtaa musta voima" sanotaan Ajattaran Manan Lapset -biisissä. Se kuvaa tätä olotilaa aika hyvin.
Kun vain tietäisi miten pääsisin ulos tästä oravanpyörästä... *huokaus*

Siihen Taivaan Saaret -nuotioiltaan olisi näillä näkymin pari viikkoa aikaa, mutta aina niin optimistisena luonteena pelkään, että siitäkään ei loppujen lopuksi tule mitään. Ja vaikka kaikki pääsisivätkin paikalle, ei tunnelma olisi sama, tietenkään. Äh.
darnaguen: (Default)
Okay, if the sky doesn't fall down on us, the forest in the area burn to ashes or something else as radical happen, Cloud Islands II - Windwards will hopefully be played from tomorrow evening to the following one.
I so much hope everything that was going to go wrong has already gone wrong. No more nasty surprises, thank you very much. *shakes her fist at some invisible force, Fate maybe, or Fortune*

Now we can only close our eyes, cross our fingers and hope for the best.

Wish us luck, sweethearts, I'm off to bed now.
darnaguen: (Default)
There is absolutely no way this larp can ever come out all right.
It will suck royally, I just know it.
I'm already so goddamn sorry for everyone.

But well, at least we can try to have fun off-game and maybe even enjoy the game itself a bit if no one will take it even halfway seriously. (Okay, who would take a larp with glitter-throwing elves and self-exploding gnomes seriously anyway? Not me...)

Let's just hope my head won't explode with stress before it's all over.
Now I'll send Crescentglow and Evenstar to their players, then sleep a couple of hours and then try to finish the rest. I'm quite sure I will have to brief some of the characters to their players orally before the game, though. That sucks beyond redemption, I know, but I'm simply running out of time. Fuck. *bangs her head agains the desk*

I'm so sorry.
And remember, don't take it seriously. It may work if you don't.
darnaguen: (Default)
Sonata Arctica - The Cage

A lifetime ago, with frozen eyes they closed the door.
Suddenly I realized what locks are for.
No trusting them anymore,
Lights - are - out.

Empty the stare, innocent and unaware,
Dragged out from my home, my lair.
Earmarked me, hurt me, burned me.

The walls around me, eyes surround me, feed my fear again.
I must be freed or I will die before the harvest moon, my friend.
I do not have another year in me, you've gotta set me free.

The dream is alive, I can run up the hills every night,
Go around and see another side of the tree.
Freedom has a meaning for me, howl with me.

Fear in the dark, I advise you.
Can't see the eyes, they glow behind you....
It's my song they now sing to you.
You stand no chance....

They'll kill for me, steal back my freedom,
Set me free, it's my minions versus thee.
Fiery the vengeance, hate will drain me.

The walls around me, eyes surround me, feed my fear again.
I must be freed or I will die before the harvest moon, my friend.
I do not have another year in me, you've gotta set me free.

The dream is alive, I can run up the hills every night,
Go around and see another side of the tree.
All I want is to be untamed and free, howl and (dream).

The dream is alive, with the moon on the hills every night,
Run around and see another side of the dream.
Freedom has a meaning for me, you can't tame me...

You will remember the day you crossed my path.
Leave me without a guard and you feel my wrath.
What you have done to me has made me bitter and cruel.
I'll see that all the hate you spread returns to you, you, to you...

The walls around me, eyes surround me, feed my fear again.
I must be freed or I will die before the harvest moon, my friend.
I do not have another year in me, you've gotta set me free.

The dream is alive, I can run up the hills every night,
Go around and see another side of the tree.
All I want is to be untamed and free, howl and (dream).

The dream is alive, with the moon on the hills every night,
Run around and see another side of the dream.
Freedom has a meaning for me, you can't tame me...

The dream is alive, I can run up the hills every night,
Go around and see another side of the tree.
All I want is to be untamed and free, howl and (dream).

The dream is alive, with the moon on the hills every night,
Go around and see another side of the dream.
Freedom has a meaning for me...

Thank you, Tony.
That describes my current feelings perfectly (okay, I don't want my pack to tear anyone apart really, but...)

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