darnaguen: (badwolf)
We've lived apart for a week now, though we've been officially broken up for more than a month.

And this, I suppose, is the part where it starts to really sink in. Not surprising, considering we pretty much kept acting like a couple while we still lived under the same roof.

But yeah. I miss him.

As a romance we were pretty much a disaster from the beginning. We just never could click on that elusive level necessary for a romantic relationship to truly work, I guess, or were just fundamentally different enough in views and goals and ways to communicate. But while it's clear we're better off apart, it was five years' worth of valuable lessons for both of us, and in a way we were really good together too.

So yeah, I miss him. I miss his smell. His weird babblings. Curling up against him at night, or when watching tv-shows on the bed or the couch. The sound of the coffeemaker. Watching him play Skyrim or Tomb Raider and offering comments or advice, and talking about video games in bed before falling asleep. The Chinese food he cooked (fat chance of me bothering to cook for myself) and taught me to appreciate. The sound of him watching Top Gear in the other room. Him calling me "kultapallo" exasperatedly. Just... him.

I mean, I haven't lost him or anything, he's still in my life and lives a block away and our breakup was pretty damn easy and friendly, so far at least.
But it's just different now and I have to get used to the new rules, and that's confusing (first breakup at 27, fuck yeah). I must admit I kinda hoped we might maintain a more casual relationship, still seeing each other and visiting each other to watch movies and stuff and cooking together etc.. But he might want to take a little distance, and I understand that, really. So I must suck it up and learn to be on my own. I really don't want to be some clingy ex stereotype. :p
But loneliness is s tough bite to chew for a pack animal, so to speak.

(This has also made me ponder on some deep shit about relationships in general, about whether I'm even capable of a so-called normal romantic relationships. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, and "normal" courtship rituals just baffle me, and my views of an ideal relationship are probably a little unconventional. So... foreveralone.gif :p)
darnaguen: (J/E freedom)
I'm starting to think more and more that it actually might be a good thing that lots of my stuff is still in the packing boxes and my room's still unfinished. The winds of change are blowing again.

But the biggest question remains: where to next?
darnaguen: (twilight)
I went for a run last night. Or, well, more like a vigorous walk because I'm still in too rubbish a physical shape to be effortlessly running/jogging for 1,5 kilometers, especially in the dark forest.

But anyway, it's a pity I haven't done that more often lately. I suppose it really is like that, that one doesn't truly realize what they have until they (are about to) lose it. I have to make sure I'll do that whenever I can for the following two weeks because soon the rustle of wind in the treetops, birdsong and the sound of the gliders swooping leisurely overhead will be traded to sounds of city and railway. No more chances to just step out of your door and run into the woods whenever you feel like it.

This has been a good place to live. Unpractically far from the town centre, sure, but generally a good place to live. My only regret -- as I said -- is that I haven't really taken everything I can out of my surroundings. For example I haven't been exploring the Riihikallio-Pomponrahka area much at all.
But I don't know... Maybe it's psychological, but again last night when I first went uphill towards Riihikallio and then followed the jogging path back past the water tower and eventually into Nunnavuori, the hairs in the back of my neck were standing up until I was well past the water tower. Sure, it was also one of those Nordic late summer nights, half-dark in a way that can make your imagination play tricks on you if you don't keep your wits about you, and with a pale waning moon casting faint beams though the trees.
But I've been in that area (Riihikallio, that is) in broad daylight and still felt strange. And I don't think it's just the ruins of the burned-down house, it's something... older, I think. Ah well, perhaps Ella is right...
I should also return to Pomponrahka/Isosuo with a clean slate, try to forget all that bullshit that went on 3-4 years ago and just trust my instincts.

Aki called the other night, by the way. Just to ask me to hang out and have a drink because he was in town, I'm sure, but I still found it a bit funny. I couldn't go, but he also said he might be coming back in September (that bloody September again *chuckle*), maybe attend our house-warming party.
This sure is going to be interesting... *shakes head*
darnaguen: (tardis)
Beware, incoherent emo entry ahead.

It's only appropriate, you know, that something that can make you happy like nothing else can (and usually will) also break your heart like nothing else. Change feels like dying because it is.

No, no. Nothing radical has happened in my life, really. I am in fact once again crying about fictional stuff.
But you see, the thing is: it's never only fictional.

I may never have, say, lost my love forever to a parallel universe. But believe me, I still know how it must feel.
Change feels like dying because it is. And I know change, even though it sometimes can feel like nothing ever changes. But eventually everything will. And I bet it will feel like dying.

Funny thing, by the way: in the Doctor Who (for how could I be talking about anything else?) universe, the Eternals call Void (or as we might call it, Hell) "The Howling". And the heart of the cosmic energy, the infinity and the eternity, the divine Mother Goddess, if you will? Bad Wolf.
Someone knows their irony.

And what of Love?
It will kill and save you, take your heart that's barely beating and fill it with hope beyond the stars. It is beautiful and terrifying because it always walks hand in hand with Loss, the thing every human being fears the most.
Are you afraid of the big Bad Wolf? If you keep running from her, you will never truly know Love. But you will never truly know Loss either. So are you?

I am.
But the Doctor has taught me that sometimes it's worth it to just let go of your fear and just... love.

Ah, anyway... There are two absolutely beautiful songs I've discovered recently and have wanted to share with you for a while now. You can either just listen to them or download them if you wish:

Trading Yesterday - The Beauty & the Tragedy
Trading Yesterday - She Is The Sunlight (and the slightly alternative album version).

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll fix them because I'd really like all of you to have a chance to hear those songs.
darnaguen: (Default)
Hmm. I wonder what is wrong with me nowadays.
Recently I've noticed that my so-called interactive home, the Nightwish forum, has started to annoy me for some reason. Or actually it's not the forum itself, it's more like I've had some sort of strange epiphany, like I'm getting tired of the whole thing and need a change.
However, it affects my behaviour on the forum and I'm afraid I'm coming across as a snappish, arrogant bitch who thinks too highly of herself.
Not good, especially because I'm supposed to be a soddin' moderator. *sigh*

Meh. I think I really need to turn a fresh, blank page in my life.
First step, I think, would be getting a damn life in the first place. This aimless drifting and living through fiction is really starting to bother me.
Last time I did something social or even showed by nose outside of my flat for more than an hour was last weekend when Aki unexpectedly called to let me know he's in town and ask me to hang out with him and some other drunken metalheads.
Hanging out with said drunkend metalheads is always somewhat hazardous leisure time (when a troll goes to berserk mode, it's not a pretty sight), but it was good to see Aki again after a long time. He's a good guy (albeit a bit macho) and it was quite funny how natural and un-awkward I felt hanging out with him even though we hadn't seen each other in ages.
Guess certain shared experiences can make people bonded for life. *chuckle*

I also went home for the Mothers' Day and it was actually really nice as I can't remember the last time I've had so much fun with my brothers, joking and laughing over dinner. I guess Johannes doesn't hate me anymore, that much at least. *wry smile*

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet Tommi. That's something at least.
I wonder what's the occasion.

(And yes, I'm utterly and completely addicted to this track. 'Tis a masterpiece.)
darnaguen: (Default)
My last night at home. Tomorrow I will move out from the place where I've lived for 12 years.
Very absurd thought, really. Even though I've known for a long time I'm going to move out soon, it somehow came so suddenly.
I have to leave behind a place that has been a home to me and find a new one for myself.
Home is where the heart is, they say. But where is my heart?

A survey thingy I did in Last.fm said that good advice to me at the moment is this song:

Walk On )

And perhaps it's right. I CAN do this, take the next step and let go of the past.
In fact now that I think of it, maybe 25 kilometers isn't far enough...

Oh, I know I will miss all this; the river, the masts of the tall ships, the castle towers etc. but maybe a completely fresh start in some entirely different place would do me good. That would REALLY be a start of new life.
So in a way this huge leap I am about to take is in fact only a baby step on the road of change.

Meh. Maybe I should try to sleep the last night I can sleep in my own bed.
If you don't hear about me in few days it's probably because I a) don't have my computer in my dorm room yet b) don't have the internet connection (yet). I'll try to use the school computers to check up though.

Goodnight, me hearties.

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darnaguen

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