darnaguen: (being human)
My New Year's resolution, I suppose, could be: "Be more active on LJ."

I don't really even know why I haven't written anything since that latest whine about my love life in November(!!). I mean, there have been many times when I've had a whole post envisioned in my head but for some reason never got around to writing it down. You know what I mean?

But it's funny: I don't know if it's the New Year and a sort of feeling of a clean slate or what, but I have a feeling that something has changed, and I daresay in a positive way. Like I've managed to let go of some burden that has weighed heavy on my shoulders and held me back or something. Strange, really, 'cause I can't say what it is exactly.
Ah well, maybe it's just the slowly but surely increasing light. *shrug*

ETA: Oh, right. I was supposed to talk about the New Year. *facepalm* Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] korppis.
We spent it rather traditionally at Ella's family cabin in Laitila (this small rural town a bit north from Turku) by a frozen lake in the middle of the woods. Lots of awesome people, booze, SingStar, a wooden hot tub by the lake, full moon and -30 Celsius. :D
I really felt rather Finnish at one point, running from the cabin to the sauna in the snow and under the starlit sky with a bottle of alcoholic beverage in my hand, wearing only a long woolen jumper and combat boots. At least I didn't yell "Perkele!" as I went. :D It was awesome. <3

Oh! We also have a cat now. Riimu (means "rune"), Tommi's old cat, has been living with his sister for a couple of years, but now she has a boyfriend who's allergic so she decided to give her to us when we were visiting Tommi's parents over the holidays.
She's a lovely creature, especially when you compare her to the previous cat I had. It's nice to be able to walk past a cat lounging on the floor without having to fear for your ankles. xD But then, she's 7 years old already, a graceful lady and not a hotheaded teenager. Though we're considering getting her a playmate sometime soon, an orphan kitty rescued from the streets of Estonia probably. I'm determined to get my Romana. :D

(BTW, I just realized the ornament in my teaspoon resembles the Seal of Rassilon. O_o)

Being more active on LJ isn't the only thing I need to work on, though. The fourth episode of Cloud Islands is approaching and I have four characters to write. I know, it's only four, but I seem to suffer from a horrible writer's block lately. :( I mean, Ares'tes for example, I have a pretty clear vision of what he's like inside my head, but I just have no idea how to put that into words. The fact that I have to write the characters from pre-existing templates and be sure to get all the plots right makes it even harder. I guess I need to discuss that more with Ella and Janina. *sigh*

But hey: I thought I'd lost pretty much all interest towards LARP but now I'm actually looking forward to the WoD scenario in February. And Merirosvopoukama (The Pirate Cove) as well. :)

And I also need to contact Riku (my awesome career counselor) and get my backside back to the library since my only source of income at the moment is the housing allowance, which is some 56€. Yay...
And have the blood tests taken and remember to take my meds every day. This year, I will be better.

Oh, and one more thing: Being Human's second series starts on Sunday! <3<3<3
darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (tardis)
Once again I'd have so much to write about, but I'm too restless/annoyed/what have you at the moment to really focus on anything.
But while browsing randomly I came across this meme, snagged from [livejournal.com profile] un4scene, and just had to do it:

When you see this post, quote from Doctor Who on your LJ.

"There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, and somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do." -7th Doctor

There are tons of fantastic (pun intended) quotes in DW, old and new, but this one has been my favourite lately. I don't expect very many to participate, but ah well. You don't know what you're missing. ;)
darnaguen: (monkey island)
I feel like there's so much less in my life nowadays. It's mostly my own fault, I suppose, I've given a lot up. But I miss those things.

I miss playing Werewolf: The Apocalypse. I was really fond of Maarit and the Windwalkers pack. I'm really sorry I let Aarne & co. down. I never wanted to become that kind of girlfriend (even though that's not really the whole explanation).
I miss Qigong. I really enjoyed it, and should at least practice it on my own.
I kind of miss my Nightwish fandom, even though it hasn't really been my scene in a year or so anymore. But I miss the people. I just can't handle the drama and responsibility on the forum any longer, and... I'm just not really a fan anymore.

I miss Call of Cthulhu. I miss those long walks and debates with Samuel (where are you, man?). I miss watching movies at Mervi's place and her cats (she lives in Romania now, life's funny sometimes). I miss Whisky Bar and its awesome jukebox. I miss babysitting Tommi and Knaapi when they're being drunken idiots. I miss larping the way it still was four or five years ago.

Hell, I miss having a social life of my own. This place is constantly full of people, but it just makes me feel more lonely because mostly I just feel like I'm in the way. "Oh sorry, don't mind me, I just live here.". One of the main reasons why I spend so much time at Tampere nowadays is because I barely feel like this is my home at all anymore.
And yeah, I have a boyfriend now, but I don't want him to be my entire social life. I really DON'T want to be that kind of girlfriend. *faint panicked look of a cornered animal*

Call me, poke me on Facebook, send me a message in a bottle. Ask me out for a drink, to movies, to the park or riverside to eat ice cream. I can't promise 100% to be in Turku, but if I am I promise I'll come.
I'm already looking forward to Teinigoottipiknik, thank you Venla. <3

(Oh dear God this track gives me chills. ;__; <3)
darnaguen: (f/e)
 So... Valentine's Day, huh?
As a some kind of casual tradition I have usually posted something relevant to the theme every year. This time I thought about it for a while until I came across a certain picture that, to me, says everything about love in a way that no amount of words ever could.

´

Billie Piper and David Tennant, ladies and gentlemen. In addition to portraying possibly the most adorable, inspirational, unique and heartbreaking love story ever on television, they're also quite possibly the most adorable pair of BFF ever. Love, pure and simple. <3

Oh, and speaking of said love story... There is an absolutely gorgeous picspam I would warmly recommend to, well, anyone (but I suppose it only makes any sense if you know at least the basics of Doctor Who), made by [livejournal.com profile] fiery_twilight : 

(it kinda spoils the first two seasons, though, just so you know)

...Yeah. Who wouldn't want love like that? *wistful smile*

But anyways, it is also a tradition of mine to post theme-related music in one form or another, so here's
Miracle Drug )

And that's all for now, folks. Much love for everybody, and be Excellent to each other. <3
darnaguen: (monkey island)
I've had this song playing in my head the whole day. And well, I guess it's strangely appropriate.

I'm no Barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes

And I am not as pretty
As those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core
If they're to be believed

So what if I'm no baby bird
Hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses
That rises out of mud

Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?

You're not some baby boy
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules
Well, I'm sick of all your lies

Now I've held back a wealth of shit,
I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows
With the words stuck in my throat

Does it really come as a surprise
When I tell you I don't feel good?
Nothing ever came from nothing, man
Oh man, ain't that the truth

Why do you love me? etc...

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but I think that I'm right
And you've still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
Do it again
Do it again
Do it again

Why do you love me? etc...


Hm. I think [livejournal.com profile] ihasatardis is basically the only thing keeping me at least in relatively good spirits at the moment. I should probably be concerned. :p
darnaguen: (tardis)
Beware, incoherent emo entry ahead.

It's only appropriate, you know, that something that can make you happy like nothing else can (and usually will) also break your heart like nothing else. Change feels like dying because it is.

No, no. Nothing radical has happened in my life, really. I am in fact once again crying about fictional stuff.
But you see, the thing is: it's never only fictional.

I may never have, say, lost my love forever to a parallel universe. But believe me, I still know how it must feel.
Change feels like dying because it is. And I know change, even though it sometimes can feel like nothing ever changes. But eventually everything will. And I bet it will feel like dying.

Funny thing, by the way: in the Doctor Who (for how could I be talking about anything else?) universe, the Eternals call Void (or as we might call it, Hell) "The Howling". And the heart of the cosmic energy, the infinity and the eternity, the divine Mother Goddess, if you will? Bad Wolf.
Someone knows their irony.

And what of Love?
It will kill and save you, take your heart that's barely beating and fill it with hope beyond the stars. It is beautiful and terrifying because it always walks hand in hand with Loss, the thing every human being fears the most.
Are you afraid of the big Bad Wolf? If you keep running from her, you will never truly know Love. But you will never truly know Loss either. So are you?

I am.
But the Doctor has taught me that sometimes it's worth it to just let go of your fear and just... love.

Ah, anyway... There are two absolutely beautiful songs I've discovered recently and have wanted to share with you for a while now. You can either just listen to them or download them if you wish:

Trading Yesterday - The Beauty & the Tragedy
Trading Yesterday - She Is The Sunlight (and the slightly alternative album version).

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll fix them because I'd really like all of you to have a chance to hear those songs.
darnaguen: (smile)
Alright, I was going to write a big epic review-sort of post about tv shows I've been catching up with or rewatching lately -- and I probably still will because I have lot to say about them -- but I really need to get this off my chest, like, right now:

Doctor Who has taken over my brain.

Yeah. I know. Another fandom for Darna to obsess about.
But seriously. I wonder why I never thought to check it out before because it's wicked awesome.
Ab-so-lute-ly brilliant, in that distinctly British sort of way. I mean, it's probably not for everyone, obviously. But I daresay those unwilling to give it a chance are missing a lot.
Acting? Impeccable. Yes, including Billie Piper. You simply can't not love her as Rose. So perfectly well-rounded and human is her portrayal. As Jacob at Television Without Pity said, she's probably the only singer-turned-actor ever that turned out to be fucking brilliant at it.
Dialogue? Perfect. The one-liners are killer and the dialogue overall is very witty and natural and British. Of course it's sometimes over-the-top, but this is after all a cheesy -- albeit brilliant -- sci-fi show, and usually it's over-the-top only when the situation calls for it. Even with all the occasional darkness and deadly-serious undertones, it's still an old-fashioned fairytale at heart.

I could go on forever, but perhaps I'll spare you and let you discover the magic yourself if you are so inclined (and Ella, I'll get the first season on DVD and we'll watch it, okay?).
And those of you who already have discovered it, please do not spoil me beyond the first 2 episodes of the second season (I mean, there's no way I'd have been able to avoid some big, general spoilers because I'm three seasons behind everyone else, but no details if you please).

But it's like a drug, for real. I don't think any series/fandom has ever made me so positively giddy. I bought one of the tie-in books yesterday (it was on sale :p) and sat in the bus on my way back home and sniggered to myself like a madwoman while reading it. Seriously (and I'm paraphrasing):

The Doctor: Quick! We need to distract them somehow! Jack?
Captain Jack: Yes, sir! *takes off with a huge grin*
A moment passes. Then, accompanied by some surprised exclamations, they can see...
Captain Jack: Whoohoo! *runs naked through the crowd*
The Doctor and Rose: ...
Jack runs back to them with a shit-eating grin, still buck-naked.
Captain Jack: That distracting enough?
The Doctor and Rose: *facepalm*

But of course they secretly love it. And I love them. :D
And what's slightly scary in the drug metaphor is that it's also addictive. After each episode I watch I want more, but I also know that the more I watch now, the less I have left to watch. And I don't want it to ever be over. *clings to show and everything she loves about it, Nine and Ten and Rose and Jack and everything*

Alright, here's what we do. By the leave of my beloved future flatmate if she'll grant it, I extend the invitation to everyone reading this: when me and Ella have moved (yes, we got the apartment, but I'd rather not think about it much at the moment because my brain's a mess and there's still so much to work out) and we have a DVD player and a decent TV, you're all welcome to watch Doctor Who with me. I promise to not be too annoying, or at least try. ;p

I think I'm gonna go watch The Christmas Invasion now. David Tennant! <3

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darnaguen

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