darnaguen: (Default)
 I just heard someone from my past died yesterday. And I don't know how I should feel about it.

To clarify a little, he's the guy I'm talking about here.
So my first thought was "Good riddance." Then I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Yeah, complicated.
For all the crap he pulled, I did love him once. And he taught me a lot about myself, if indirectly.
I still think he could have chosen another path, that he still had hope when I met him. I wish he will in the next lifetime.

(Also funny: I had a strange, kind of wistful dream about him a few nights ago. Now I can't help but feeling it was a goodbye.)

Some people I know who knew him feel like celebrating. And I can't blame them. He caused a lot of damage.
To me as well. But still...

Run free, brother. I hope you will find the Moonlight Realm.

----

Kerran, kylmän keväisen kuutamon alla,
alla taivaan harmajan, hiljaisen,
kuljin kanssaan suomaalla vierahalla
sieluni toivetta etsien.

Ei kuu meille näyttänyt kasvojaan,
kuten tähdetkin, peittivät pilvet sen.
Me jäimme lammelle istumaan
aivan hiljaa, yötä kuunnellen.

Oli huurteessa metsä ja roudassa maa,
peitti jääriite soistuvan lammen pintaa;
vaan kaks' oli liekkiä palavaa
mi korvensi kahden yön lapsen rintaa.

Paloi veressä yö, kaipuu rinnassa soi,
vaisto vaati kutsua seuraamaan.
Vaan kutsuun ei kumpikaan vastata voi -
ihmisiä me olemme, orjia vaan.

Vapautta mi hain, sitä löytänyt en,
rauhaa sydämeeni en löytänyt lain.
Vaan vääristyi olemus totuuden
ja itseni pahemmin kahlitsin vain.

On kaukana kuunvalon valtakunta,
sinne pääsenkö koskaan? Tiedä en.
Nukkuu vierelläin veljeni suden unta
-kenties vapauden polkuja kulkien...

-Spring 2004
darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (wolf)
I feel like a part of me is missing, like someone stole a piece of my soul.
And I hate it. I didn't think I would feel like this ever again.

Damn you.
(I want to howl.)

[/cryptic emo entry]
darnaguen: (Default)
Windmills

Far from the worn path of reason,
Further away from the sane,
He battles his shadows and demons
Fighting to light the way.

And the dust and the dirt cloud his vision,
Onward he rides unafraid.
He fights the good fight for good reason,
A star that refuses to fade.

Still he braves his path
While windmills only laugh...

She was wounded and wild when he found her,
He saw her through a child's eyes.
She fell for the spell he was under,
Each day a brand new surprise.

And she watches with strange curiosity,
She wants so much to believe.
Trying to break the chains of reality,
Dying to set herself free...

Still he braves his path
While windmills only laugh...

Though he may appear tattered and broken,
His clothes are shabby and bare,
Still he glows like the light from a candle
With passion of one who still cares.

There was always a rhyme to the reason
Peering out from tired eyes.
The truth finally came in treason,
So wrong, but so justified...
So wrong but so justified...
Windmills close their eyes...


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darnaguen

November 2013

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