darnaguen: (badwolf)
We've lived apart for a week now, though we've been officially broken up for more than a month.

And this, I suppose, is the part where it starts to really sink in. Not surprising, considering we pretty much kept acting like a couple while we still lived under the same roof.

But yeah. I miss him.

As a romance we were pretty much a disaster from the beginning. We just never could click on that elusive level necessary for a romantic relationship to truly work, I guess, or were just fundamentally different enough in views and goals and ways to communicate. But while it's clear we're better off apart, it was five years' worth of valuable lessons for both of us, and in a way we were really good together too.

So yeah, I miss him. I miss his smell. His weird babblings. Curling up against him at night, or when watching tv-shows on the bed or the couch. The sound of the coffeemaker. Watching him play Skyrim or Tomb Raider and offering comments or advice, and talking about video games in bed before falling asleep. The Chinese food he cooked (fat chance of me bothering to cook for myself) and taught me to appreciate. The sound of him watching Top Gear in the other room. Him calling me "kultapallo" exasperatedly. Just... him.

I mean, I haven't lost him or anything, he's still in my life and lives a block away and our breakup was pretty damn easy and friendly, so far at least.
But it's just different now and I have to get used to the new rules, and that's confusing (first breakup at 27, fuck yeah). I must admit I kinda hoped we might maintain a more casual relationship, still seeing each other and visiting each other to watch movies and stuff and cooking together etc.. But he might want to take a little distance, and I understand that, really. So I must suck it up and learn to be on my own. I really don't want to be some clingy ex stereotype. :p
But loneliness is s tough bite to chew for a pack animal, so to speak.

(This has also made me ponder on some deep shit about relationships in general, about whether I'm even capable of a so-called normal romantic relationships. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, and "normal" courtship rituals just baffle me, and my views of an ideal relationship are probably a little unconventional. So... foreveralone.gif :p)
darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (f/e)
 So... Valentine's Day, huh?
As a some kind of casual tradition I have usually posted something relevant to the theme every year. This time I thought about it for a while until I came across a certain picture that, to me, says everything about love in a way that no amount of words ever could.


Billie Piper and David Tennant, ladies and gentlemen. In addition to portraying possibly the most adorable, inspirational, unique and heartbreaking love story ever on television, they're also quite possibly the most adorable pair of BFF ever. Love, pure and simple. <3

Oh, and speaking of said love story... There is an absolutely gorgeous picspam I would warmly recommend to, well, anyone (but I suppose it only makes any sense if you know at least the basics of Doctor Who), made by [livejournal.com profile] fiery_twilight : 

(it kinda spoils the first two seasons, though, just so you know)

...Yeah. Who wouldn't want love like that? *wistful smile*

But anyways, it is also a tradition of mine to post theme-related music in one form or another, so here's
Miracle Drug )

And that's all for now, folks. Much love for everybody, and be Excellent to each other. <3
darnaguen: (tardis)
Beware, incoherent emo entry ahead.

It's only appropriate, you know, that something that can make you happy like nothing else can (and usually will) also break your heart like nothing else. Change feels like dying because it is.

No, no. Nothing radical has happened in my life, really. I am in fact once again crying about fictional stuff.
But you see, the thing is: it's never only fictional.

I may never have, say, lost my love forever to a parallel universe. But believe me, I still know how it must feel.
Change feels like dying because it is. And I know change, even though it sometimes can feel like nothing ever changes. But eventually everything will. And I bet it will feel like dying.

Funny thing, by the way: in the Doctor Who (for how could I be talking about anything else?) universe, the Eternals call Void (or as we might call it, Hell) "The Howling". And the heart of the cosmic energy, the infinity and the eternity, the divine Mother Goddess, if you will? Bad Wolf.
Someone knows their irony.

And what of Love?
It will kill and save you, take your heart that's barely beating and fill it with hope beyond the stars. It is beautiful and terrifying because it always walks hand in hand with Loss, the thing every human being fears the most.
Are you afraid of the big Bad Wolf? If you keep running from her, you will never truly know Love. But you will never truly know Loss either. So are you?

I am.
But the Doctor has taught me that sometimes it's worth it to just let go of your fear and just... love.

Ah, anyway... There are two absolutely beautiful songs I've discovered recently and have wanted to share with you for a while now. You can either just listen to them or download them if you wish:

Trading Yesterday - The Beauty & the Tragedy
Trading Yesterday - She Is The Sunlight (and the slightly alternative album version).

Let me know if the links don't work and I'll fix them because I'd really like all of you to have a chance to hear those songs.
darnaguen: (skate)
To celebrate the Valentine's Day (though I suppose I'm a tiny bit late) and the return of Lost:

darnaguen: (f/e)
Mmh, during the past week or so I've had so much going on in my head I've been dying to write down but haven't had time, strength or possibility to do so due to a) spending the Christmas at my mom's place b) falling once again mysteriously ill (another of those strange and unexplainable muscle cramp spells plus a high fever, this time I even had to spend some time at the medical center under surveillance, oh joy) c) probably as an after-effect of said illness, being generally lethargic and tired.

But anyway. Rant time.
I bought the second book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, New Moon, for myself as a Christmas present and realized something a bit surprising while reading it. In case there's someone who wants to read it and hasn't yet reading this, I'll put the spoilery parts under a cut.

Beauty and the Beasts )

But yes, what I actually realized was that I once again rebelled against the canon "main couple" and rooted for the underdog. When I started to think about it, I do that quite a lot.
It's actually very rarely that I support "the good ship" if there is an interesting alternative available.

Let's see...
Arwen and Aragorn? Boring! Éowyn and Faramir all the way.
One of the biggest faults of the otherwise brilliant movie trilogy was what they did to Faramir, including his beautiful romance with Éowyn which actually is the only visible romance there is in the book. They walk together in the garden and on the city walls, they talk, they confess to each other their dreams and fears, they even banter. What's not to love?

Jean and Scott? Well, pretty much anything involving good ol' Slim is enough to bore anyone into tears.
Plus, while I know perfectly well that by a long run the whole idea of Jean and Logan is completely absurd, his undying, unrequited love and devotion for her is something truly amazing. But well, my main ship in that fandom is Gambit/Rogue anyway. They're way too fucked-up and complicated to probably ever become boring. :D

Jack and Kate? Jate is fate, my ass. They don't even bore me, they make me cringe.
Jack makes me wish he would die a painful death every time he's on screen, and every time Kate is with him, I want to slap her. She completely forgets she's a competent badass bitch and becomes a sniveling, simpering wuss who practically grovels for his acceptance, and he doesn't help by patronizing her. What a great romance. *rolls eyes* And I don't say this just because I'm a so-called Skater, I'd be completely pleased if she ran off with Sayid or something, as long as it isn't Jack. But I hope beyond hope that she would stick with Sawyer. *sigh*

Will and Elizabeth... well, don't even get me started on them! Because that would never end.

In Harry Potter I could never care less about the relationships between the protagonists, it was always the side characters I found more intriguing anyway.

Actually, I think that out of all my 'ships, only Buffy and Angel have been a "good ship", and them I started shipping when I was 14 or something. Drizzt and Catti-brie are generally accepted as the main couple now (after years of indecisive on-offness, thoug), but they weren't that originally and Wulfgar was still around for a long time even after their relationship started to develop.
Shipping is pretty illogical business, and not all of my ships follow the same pattern, but most of them do. I've come to the conclusion that I usually root for relationships that are based on good companionship and/or some kind of deeper connection, mutual understanding. Which probably isn't all that surprising, considering that's the kind of love I would like to find one day. *chuckle*

Mmh. I had much more to write/rant about, but my brain's apparently not functioning properly again. Could be my screwed-up sleeping pattern, I woke up at midnight so I'm starting to feel a bit dizzy. I can't go to sleep yet, though, otherwise I'll never regain a normal pattern.
New Year's Eve tomorrow. I have no idea where I'll be. Possibly in Laitila, possibly in here. With Tommi I'm apparently at odds again at least. He saw himself justified to get mad at me because I couldn't answer the phone when I was at the med center. Pshh, whatever. He's not my pack leader.

I somehow don't want this year to end. Or actually, I don't want year 2008 to start.
I don't know why, I just have a strange, uncomfortable feeling about it.
darnaguen: (lost)

For the past two days (well, nights really as the bloody transition to winter time completely screwed up my sleeping pattern again) I've been mostly sitting at computer and watching videos like that from YouTube and wondering if I've been missing something essential in my life for having never truly been in love, having never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship.
I have loved, and that love has made me laugh and cry, desperate and elated. My friends, my pack, they mean the whole world to me. I've had crushes and been attracted to people, been fascinated with people and felt connected to them on various levels. But I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met the right person so to speak, or because I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe I have missed some valuable lessons and experiences for having not pursued the chances that I've been given but I still think that it wouldn't have felt right. And before you accuse me of being silly and naïve for expecting my one true love, the knight in the shining armor, to one day come and sweep me off my feet, let me tell you I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding a soulmate.
But I would like to one day know what it feels like to love so fiercely that it breaks your heart, to kiss someone and mean it, to be able to give and receive affection without restraints, to trust enough to give yourself completely into someone else's hands. I wish I had the courage to try.

This is a subject I'd like to write more about, but right now I'm so dizzy and tired that I'm quite unable to form coherent thoughts, let alone write them down into understandable sentences. Maybe I'll edit this later.
(And gods, this song makes me cry.)
darnaguen: (Default)
Hi, I'm alive.

And yayz, things are starting to look better again.
I have money, I could quit Fendari, I was just shopping for some stuff for my new flat today with my parents and the bureaucratical bullshit is almost over now.
And the spring is definetely coming, even though right now the weather is horrible: slush, ice, water, mud and gravel everywhere. And annoying wet fog. Hrr.

I also decided to drop by at Thalia (one of the only coffee shops in town that allows smoking indoors and thus the favourite hangout of many young people) for a change on Monday. It was like I'd never left in the first place: same faces, same topics and same thick veil of cigarette smoke. Ella and Laura and Janina enthused about the newest Pimeyden Maailma/Hauraita Unelmia/whatever saga and Tommi and Venla were being cute.

I felt a bit like an outsider, though, but I guess it's only normal. I haven't really been around much lately. Funny how some things stay the same nevertheless, though. Like the way Tommi greeted me by smiling and scratching me behind my ear, just like he could have done three years ago. (Though you can never really be sure what kind of reaction to expect from that guy, it can be anything from an warm hug to acting like you don't even exist). And I noticed I still love him as dearly as I did three years ago, despite everything that has happened since then.
(Also, I think some tiny little part of me will always be just a little bit in love with him on some level. But well, he's Tommi. Everyone is.)

On slightly more negative topic, it somehow never ceases to amaze me how many bloody damn idiots there are on this planet. I know it's not my place to feel any kind of righteous fury about that, but apparenly my "defend the pack" instincts kicked in (which is pretty interesting actually). She really doesn't deserve that crap and some people should really get a soddin' life.
Okay, rant over. *chuckle*

EDIT: Oh, forgot to add this thingy, got it from [livejournal.com profile] routaneito .
darnaguen: (Default)
Tomorrow I should be at Fendari at 10 am to discuss if I should return there.
I feel like running again. Or hiding, "disappearing from the map" as they say.
I know I shouldn't, but the idea is tempting.

Go away. Leave me alone. Forget about me, leave me be. I will only disappoint you.

I was at Jupe's tonight. First that something inside my head, the cowardly/whatever part, tried to tell me not to go, but I decided to go anyway. I'm glad I did.
We talked, listened to some Led Zeppelin and Rush and watched The Dead Poets' Society.

The movie and our conversation made me thoughtful again.
Do I have passion in me? And if I do, what is the object of my passion?
What am I waiting for? What do I really want? Am I just a silly delusional girl who is waiting for that prince on a white horse who in reality will never come and sweep me off my feet and take me to a better place? Does that "perfect love" even exist? A soulmate, a friend and a lover with whom I could be content and free, perhaps even truly happy?

Of course it wouldn't be perfect. It never is.
What did the fortune teller say about that presumed "love of my life" again? That it would not be easy, but that love would prevail. (But I really won't forgive him if he never takes me along to his journeys, at least to those he'll make on his free time. ;p)
And what about that child? How would he affect our relationship?
Ah well, I'd better forget about that prediction. Maybe it will never come true anyway. Maybe that "Wolf-brother" I've "known" I'd find one day ever since I was eleven doesn't even exist.
But I know I'm stubborn enough to not settle for anything less.

But after all... Does it have to be love that makes my life worthwhile and fulfilling?
Is it necessarily love that I'm looking for? No, perhaps not. I guess what I want most is to find a purpose to my life. Why am I here? What should I do with my life? What am I waiting for?

Big questions I probably shouldn't be thinking about. But it's just me, I always think too much.
And I always need to know why?

"Time will tell..."

I damn well hope it will.
darnaguen: (Default)
Meh, it seems like I was happy too soon or then it is some cosmic law that if you have a good day, the next one won't be...

Oh well, something good anyways: I found from my e-mail (bless the people who commented those) the three lost entries from my old journal, from the summer of 2004.
Midsummer, Ruisrock and Ropecon. <3

I think I'll copy them here just in case. (They're in Finnish, btw, but if someone wants to know what they say I can probably translate them)

Here )

Heheh... I was so much more open and elaborate in my entries back then...
darnaguen: (Default)
What an evening once again...
It seems that even when this gang is having the best time ever together, there are still tragic undertones. Always.

It was Valtsu's birthday party in Downtown (which was a really nice place and more roomy from inside than it looks like from outside, by the way)and it was really fun. It was nice to see Timo and Petri again after a long time, and hang around with people and be more social for a chance as it is. For a while it seemed like everyone had good time and everything was alright. But well, I guess everything is never alright when it comes to these people and their relationships... *sigh*

So this evening was full of quite contradictory emotions and tears were brought into my eyes for at least three different reasons. One was because I laughed so much (ah, Tommi, my lad... *shakes her head grinning*), one was feeling miserable and sad for Ella and one was because I was so moved by what someone said to me.
I can 'read' people (and sometimes I can also be pretty blind), but this evening I realized that I actually know someone who can do that much better than I do. She could see right into my heart, and that was new to me. How come I haven't realized her power before?
Oh well, I guess I have when I think about it... I've always felt this kind of warm strenght in her, and... Yeah. *gets lost in thought* A she-wolf mother, that is what she reminds me of.
My eyes still get damp when I think of the things she said to me. Oh well, I'm a bit emotional today, it seems. *feeble smile*
And using that as a wonderful excuse I just want to say this:

I love you, guys. You mean a world to me although I don't often know how to show it correctly.
I sincerely wish brighter tomorrow for all of you, that eventually you will feel better and find the right path in your lives.
If I can help you with that, just tell me.

A quite fitting quiz result:


You are Give Unto Me -
You're an observant person that just wants to help.
You see people for what they are and you have an eye for seeing if
people are suffering or not. You desperately want to help - even if it hurts you.
You are an amazing person... I wish there were more people like you
out there, maybe the world would be different...

Quote: What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are small matters compared to what lies within us.

Here are the words to the song:

I've been watching you from a distance
The distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Why should I care if they hurt you
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you (save you)
I'll save you

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness

What Evanescence song are you? (With the words to the song, Pics and quotes!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla
darnaguen: (Default)
Kun nyt jälkeenpäin mietin mennyttä viikonloppua, ensimäinen lause joka mieleeni tulee on:
"Mitä helkkaria taas oikein tapahtui?"

Ja otsikko on siis sarkasmia. Tavallaan.
Lisää aiheesta ehkä myöhemmin.
darnaguen: (Default)

The Pretenders - I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes.
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So, if you're mad get mad,
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
But I'm a lot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads,
Don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you baby,
You're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.

Rakastan teitä.


darnaguen: (Default)

November 2013

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