darnaguen: (Default)
Tell me, why do I larp again, when I know I get anxious and control-freaky about everything and focus way too much on insignificant costuming stuff and in the process fail to absorb the materials as well as I should (why yes, larping in Finland is srs bsns)?
And that I'll probably also feel like an outsider off-game and instead of the wild drinking that usually happens pre- and after-game, just want to have quiet, deep conversation with someone in the corner - but my go-to people for that won't be present.

I’m paying 20€ for something that should be fun and relaxing break from reality, but instead brings me panic attacks and general anxiety.

Why couldn’t I just sit this one out?

(I promise I'll write more about what's been going on in my life lately (not very much, but some of that important) soon, I just needed to get this off my chest right now, and it was a good excuse to activate this thing that has been gathering dust for way too long.)
darnaguen: (Default)
Mmh, seems like I'm ill and/or just generally tired all the time nowadays.
It's like I've been sleepwalking through life lately, the time passes by so quickly and I hardly even remember what has happened during the past couple of weeks. So sorry once again to everyone for being really absent-minded and inconsiderate and generally a lousy friend.

One thing I'm proud of, though: no matter how tired or horrible I've felt, I've only missed one history class in this course. But those classes are something I really enjoy. European cultural history = love.
And the teacher is great. He's not the same grumpy old man who used to walk back and forth in front of the blackboard swearing and coughing half of the time than before, but a bit younger one whith glasses and goatee, more energetic and enthusiastic. You can tell he loves his job. :)
I can for some reason so easily imagine him in long, elaborate black or dark red scholar's robes walking around in some alchemistic laboratory in some tower chamber, reading extracts from some big dusty tomes to his apprentices. :D

I've also been thinking a lot of my possible future career. I want to go to university, that's for certain, but I'm kind of undecided between majoring in History and majoring in English. History is my passion, but English would be more profitable and I'm already translating stuff for fun anyway.
Ah well, I still have a couple of years to think about it and maybe discussing it with my career advisor (who, by the way, I just realized is my old scouts leader and also unnecessarily hot. Funny how long it took me to make the connection in my head, considering I used to hero worship him a bit because he was always so nice to everyone and even looked after me personally when I fell ill during that one disastrous hike. But then again, it's been ten years.) and that career choosing psychologist (or whatever the heck you call them in English) with whom I have an appointment in January will help too.

Meh, there's been so much I have wanted to write about or comment, but I just haven't gotten around to do it. The Jokela thing for example, and the books I've read and the ideas I've had and whatnot.
I hate this kind of lethargic state. I wish there was snow, cold whiteness at least would be better than chilly and wet darkness which drains all the energy out of you even though it would mean I'd have to wear a third sweater indoors because it's so cold here in my flat.

Anyways, here's a song that reflects my thoughts pretty well and is also yet another reminder why I love the Goo Goo Dolls:

Flat Top )

EDIT: Great. It's seven in the morning and I can't sleep because I slept til 6 PM because I felt so horrible. I'm still not feeling much better, though, my head and stomach are killing me. In addition to that, I'm feeling rather lonely and somehow forsaken. And unworthy as usual. Oh, woe is me. :p
Guess I have at least try to sleep, I don't want to miss the history class.
darnaguen: (Default)
I feel... strange. I waited for months and months and now I finally know.
"Hope for the best, expect the worst." That's what they say and maybe I should have done so.

Concerning AWE I kinda did expect the worst in the end, though.
But I still was disappointed when it basically fell flat on its ass because I know it could have soared if it had been done right. It could have become the stuff of legends like the LotR trilogy, but at some point of the production something simply went wrong I guess. Hard to say who or what is to blame.
It's definetely worth seeing, if only for Barbossa, Teague, the music and Johnny/Jack. But truth to be told, it mostly failed to deliver. It's a confusing mess that doesn't seem to be sure whether it wants to be avant-garde camp, serious historical drama, epic supernatural adventure or simply a Bruckheimer blockbuster produced by Disney. Or all of them at the same time.

I really really hate to say this, but in a way I feel the same about the new Nightwish.
I love Anette, I do. When it comes to personality and attitude, she's perfect. But while I know I can't say much based only on one full song and a couple of clips... I expected something more. For some reason I kept hearing a voice like Stine Mari Langstrand's (of Lumsk fame) in my head when I thought of the new singer. Meh.
The music is larger than life, of course. Those guys are brilliant musicians, Tuomas is a genius and they have the bloody London Philharmonic to back them up. But... Yeah.
They still have my full support, have no doubt, and I'm definetely not gonna join those "I want Tarja back, waah!!!!11eleventyone11!" wankers. I just expected to fall in love with her vocals in an instant, which I shouldn't have. And I know I'll get over this initial uncertainty soon enough.

(And yes, oh yes, the name of this song makes me laugh. Even though I'm pretty sure it's an allegory to the tabloid media. Which is kinda funny in itself.)
darnaguen: (Default)
Hmm. I wonder what is wrong with me nowadays.
Recently I've noticed that my so-called interactive home, the Nightwish forum, has started to annoy me for some reason. Or actually it's not the forum itself, it's more like I've had some sort of strange epiphany, like I'm getting tired of the whole thing and need a change.
However, it affects my behaviour on the forum and I'm afraid I'm coming across as a snappish, arrogant bitch who thinks too highly of herself.
Not good, especially because I'm supposed to be a soddin' moderator. *sigh*

Meh. I think I really need to turn a fresh, blank page in my life.
First step, I think, would be getting a damn life in the first place. This aimless drifting and living through fiction is really starting to bother me.
Last time I did something social or even showed by nose outside of my flat for more than an hour was last weekend when Aki unexpectedly called to let me know he's in town and ask me to hang out with him and some other drunken metalheads.
Hanging out with said drunkend metalheads is always somewhat hazardous leisure time (when a troll goes to berserk mode, it's not a pretty sight), but it was good to see Aki again after a long time. He's a good guy (albeit a bit macho) and it was quite funny how natural and un-awkward I felt hanging out with him even though we hadn't seen each other in ages.
Guess certain shared experiences can make people bonded for life. *chuckle*

I also went home for the Mothers' Day and it was actually really nice as I can't remember the last time I've had so much fun with my brothers, joking and laughing over dinner. I guess Johannes doesn't hate me anymore, that much at least. *wry smile*

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet Tommi. That's something at least.
I wonder what's the occasion.

(And yes, I'm utterly and completely addicted to this track. 'Tis a masterpiece.)
darnaguen: (rightthing)
Whew, changed me layout and got meself a different account. Now I have ads, yay.
And more icons, mwahaha.

And all the files disappeared from my own computer when Mikael reinstalled the Windows.
Fuck. But I knew the risks...

I have so much to write about.
I'd like to tell about my trip to North Karelia, rant about PotC II (I'm not obsessed with it, no sir... *whistles innocently*) and then also write a report about KP5.
But once again when I'm supposed to do it, I end up doing something useless instead.

Gah, maybe tomorrow. *sigh*
darnaguen: (Default)
I think I should start admitting to myself (as well as the others) that I am not alright, not well.
That is the first step, I guess. But what would be the second one?
To ask for help, or to swallow my pride to do so?
And what would that help be, then? Oh well, I guess I need to talk to someone, someone who is an objective and neutral outsider. So that therapist/whatever person they are sending me to see might not be such a bad idea after all...

Another cure I can think of is the change of sceneries so to say.
As I've said before, I need to get away for a while. But I know I can't do that right now. Bummer.
I think I might want to go hiking when it gets warmer, just for a day or two. Teijo might be a good place to start for a beginner. I think I'll hike Haltiapolku (Elvenpath ;)). :)
And we'll see about that trip to Kitee on 20th of May... I'd love to go, but time will tell.

I have to also find a way to stop this self-destructive behaviour. (No, I don't mean cutting my wrists or anything emo like that...)
I know I'm doing wrong and still I do it. That's not a good thing, not at all.
I really wonder why am I doing it then? Does it have something to do with my signature mortal sin, pride? I guess so... I'm too damn proud, defiant, stubborn and selfish for my own good.

Gah, we'll see if I can make myself go there tomorrow.
At least I don't want another fight with my mother, and she needs her sleep... *sigh*


darnaguen: (Default)

November 2013

345678 9


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated 19 September 2017 17:15
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios