darnaguen: (badwolf)
We've lived apart for a week now, though we've been officially broken up for more than a month.

And this, I suppose, is the part where it starts to really sink in. Not surprising, considering we pretty much kept acting like a couple while we still lived under the same roof.

But yeah. I miss him.

As a romance we were pretty much a disaster from the beginning. We just never could click on that elusive level necessary for a romantic relationship to truly work, I guess, or were just fundamentally different enough in views and goals and ways to communicate. But while it's clear we're better off apart, it was five years' worth of valuable lessons for both of us, and in a way we were really good together too.

So yeah, I miss him. I miss his smell. His weird babblings. Curling up against him at night, or when watching tv-shows on the bed or the couch. The sound of the coffeemaker. Watching him play Skyrim or Tomb Raider and offering comments or advice, and talking about video games in bed before falling asleep. The Chinese food he cooked (fat chance of me bothering to cook for myself) and taught me to appreciate. The sound of him watching Top Gear in the other room. Him calling me "kultapallo" exasperatedly. Just... him.

I mean, I haven't lost him or anything, he's still in my life and lives a block away and our breakup was pretty damn easy and friendly, so far at least.
But it's just different now and I have to get used to the new rules, and that's confusing (first breakup at 27, fuck yeah). I must admit I kinda hoped we might maintain a more casual relationship, still seeing each other and visiting each other to watch movies and stuff and cooking together etc.. But he might want to take a little distance, and I understand that, really. So I must suck it up and learn to be on my own. I really don't want to be some clingy ex stereotype. :p
But loneliness is s tough bite to chew for a pack animal, so to speak.

(This has also made me ponder on some deep shit about relationships in general, about whether I'm even capable of a so-called normal romantic relationships. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, and "normal" courtship rituals just baffle me, and my views of an ideal relationship are probably a little unconventional. So... foreveralone.gif :p)
darnaguen: (Default)
Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.
darnaguen: (twilight)
Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.
darnaguen: (Default)
(I'm at Tommi's computer because mine is a piece of crap and I'm not used to his keyboard, so apologies in advance for any typos.)

Guys, I have a dilemma.
A similar one than you had a while back, [livejournal.com profile] suomigoth , as in someone from my past just added me on Facebook and I'm unsure about what I should do.
You see, the thing is a bit complicated. Some of you probably know who I'm talking about, but... a couple of years ago there was this guy. Not a boyfriend or anything, but for a little while we were fierce close, like a brother and sister perhaps. But the thing is, he also was a manipulative bastard with sociopathic tendencies and he managed to fuck a lot of things up, turn people against each other and such. Eventually he went away somewhere, don't know where because at that point he was already at the top of my shit list (I don't care who you are, you simply just DON'T mess with my friends) but now he seems to be back and wanting to reconnect with people.
I mean... I'm wary, hella wary. But also kind of curious because of course he managed to find just the right words to invoke my interest. But why should I want to hear his tale of woe from these past couple of years? Whatever he's been through, I'm pretty sure he brought it upon himself.
But on the other hand it would be interesting to see if he's changed at all, or will he be back to his old wiles if you give him the smallest of chances. I mean, I see right through his crap so he can't manipulate me, and I'm not afraid of him anyway because I know for a fact that I am stronger than him, but... the bond between us was really strong, and probably still exists on some level, so that's a little unsettling. So what to do, what to do?

---

Ah, yeah, anyways... So, I've been living with Tommi for nearly three weeks now, and yes, that's what I've been alluding to in my previous posts. Yeah, it happened a bit fast considering we've only been dating less than a year, but it was pretty much out of necessity. You see, [livejournal.com profile] jupedog , the flatmate of my sister/flatmate [livejournal.com profile] casanovasi 's boyfriend [livejournal.com profile] partaveikko decided to move to Mikkeli with his girlfriend, so [livejournal.com profile] partaveikko needed a new residence within a month's notice, and since he'd been already practically living at our place for a couple of months... Yeah, I needed a new flat ASAP, and because at this time of the year it's basically impossible to find a single-room apartment, I needed a flatmate. Therefore, the boy moved to Turku with me.
I don't really mind, our new flat is really nice, with sauna and central heating and all, and I really don't miss the noise of the city (welcome back, rustling of wind in the treetops and sounds of aeroplanes swooping overhead - if only those goddamn fighter jets would GTFO from doing those practice flights in the middle of the night >_<) and all the nuisance musty old house brought with it.
Also living together has so far been surprisingly effortless, but I should probably knock on wood because domestic bickering is inevitable at some point (thank god we have similar tastes in furniture etc. :p), and I do admit it's been a bit tough to get used to lack of personal territory and complete control over my finances (basically he pays the rent, I get the groceries and other domestic stuff). It also annoys me to no end that legally we're more or less considered married now, and his income affects my allowances etc. Stupid outdated laws.
(But I have to say, every time I see the names "DAHLSTRÖM MÄKINEN" in our front door I have to grin to myself a little. Fate works in mysterious ways sometimes.)

---

Tonight was the final gig of Nightwish's Dark Passion Play tour. I had a ticket, but I had to sell it at the last minute due to being broke ATM. But somehow I don't even feel bad about it. So much has changed during these past couple of years it would probably have been mostly a bittersweet experience. Heh, I was just listening to David Guetta & Akon's Sexy Bitch (I blame Alexander Skarsgård, or at the very least this video, it's freaking addictive!) and was vividly reminded of mine and Vera's misadventures in the Helsinki night with Aine and James two years ago. Dancing at the posh penthouse nightclub with (Finnish, don't get too excited) celebrities all around, oh my. xD It would have been funny to see if something like that would have happened again.
But yeah... When it comes down to it, it's probably best I didn't go. If I'm completely honest with myself, I would pretty much have gone only to see Tanja, Patricia, Ricarda and everyone. And maybe Apocalyptica. It's really sad in a way because the band used to mean so much to me. The irony is palpable. Ah well...

---

I also have some thoughts on True Blood considering the final three episodes and the series in general, but I'll probably post them in a separate entry as I really should be sleeping already. Last night I stayed up all night and then slept half the day, oops. Tommi being out of town is clearly not good for my sleeping pattern. :p

So, goodnight kittens, and also sorry for being such a lousy (LJ) friend lately, been busy with the flat and all. :/

darnaguen: (Default)
Nice meme copied from [livejournal.com profile] meltintowalls :


I miss somebody right now. I dont watch TV these days. I wear glasses or contact lenses. I love to play video games. I have been in a threesome. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. I’m TOTALLY smart. I’ve broken someone’s bones. I’m paranoid sometimes. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I need money right now. I LOVE sushi. I talk really, really fast. I have long hair. I have lost money in Las Vegas. I have at least one sibling. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. I couldn’t survive without Caller ID. I like the way I look. I am usually pessimistic. I have a lot of mood swings. I have a hidden talent. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. I have a lot of onlinefriends. I am currently single. I have pecked someone of the same sex.I enjoy talking on the phone. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. I love to shop.2 Enjoy window shopping. I would rather shop than eat. I don’t hate anyone. I’m a great dancer.I’m embarrassed to be seen with my mother.4 I have a cell phone. I believe in God. I watch MTV on a daily basis. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. I’ve rejected someone before. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to have children in the future. I have changed a diaper before. I’ve called the cops on a friend before. I’m not allergic to anything. I have a lot to learn. I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger. I am shy around the opposite sex. I have tried alcohol before. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past. I own the “South Park” movie. I would die for my best friends. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. I have used my sexuality to advance my career. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. I am happy at this moment. I’m obsessed with guys. I study for tests most of the time. I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met. I am comfortable with who I am right now. I have more than just my ears pierced. I walk barefoot wherever I can. I have jumped off a bridge. I love sea turtles. I spend ridiculous money on makeup. Plan on achieving a major goal/dream. I’m proficient in a musical instrument. I worked at McDonald’s restaurant. I hate office jobs. I love sci-fi movies. I think water rules. I want to go to college out of state.I like sausages. I love kisses. I usually like covers better than originals. I can pick up things with my toes. I can’t whistle. I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. I have ridden a horse. I still have every journal I’ve ever written in. I moantalk in my sleep. I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time. I have jazz in my blood. I wear a toe ring. I have a tattoo. I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with. I am a caffeine junkie. I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. I have been to over 15 conventions. I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better. I’m an artist. I only clean my room when necessary. I like a person of the same sex. I love being happy. I am an adrenaline junkie.

1) Kissed with tongues, more like. *snigger*
2) I never used to before, but now it seems I can't help myself. O_o
3) Not great perhaps, but for someone untrained I think I'm pretty decent.
4) Seen, no. Heard, maybe. :p
5. Halloween is awesome because it's my birthday. ;)
6) I don't, as a matter of fact, live in the US, but I'd love to study in Ireland. *sigh*


Anyways, I'd better go to bed now, gotta be off to Tampere tomorrow to see the boy and discuss... oh yes, moving in together. ;p
More about that later, I swear.

darnaguen: (freedom)
I'm pretty sure this is not what I signed for.
Odd affectionate alliance? Weelll... Shit. After these last three days, I don't even know anymore.
Somehow things managed to get both easier and a whole lot weirder between us.

But I suppose I should stop worrying and just enjoy what I have. Six years ago the mere idea of lying in his bed, drinking tea and listening to the Goo Goo Dolls would have sounded too good to be true. And really, I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I'm a lucky bitch.
Except... Yeah. Still not too keen on sharin'. Hypocritical much? *chuckle*
Especially because I've always said neat labels and categories are useless but now I find myself in need of something to describe what we are. "Odd affectionate alliance" still fits in a way, I suppose. "Awfully coupley non-couple"? "Something too fucking complicated to even describe with words (but not really)"? *shakes her head with a wry smile*

Ah well. I'd better talk about it with him or something.
(And I'd appreciate it if people didn't meddle, even though I'm sure you guys mean well.)

P.S. Dear god, I love this band. <3
darnaguen: (Default)
Do forgive me if I sound a bit bitter right now, but...

Here's the deal:
Go ahead and fool around as much as you like, none of my business. We are not a couple and regardless of our relationship status you are not my property any more than I am yours.
But don't come to me feeling guilty about it, or fucking imply in any way that it is in any way my fault.
That alright? Good.

*takes a several deep, calming breaths*

Okay, feeling a bit better now.
Hell, sometimes I wish so much I had been born a wolf instead.

It is endlessly fascinating to me, to observe human behaviour, the endless peculiarities of human psyche.
But very often all that also feels very alien to me, all that ugly, messy and unnecessary bullshit that goes on every day. I'm certainly not saying that I'm never petty, jealous, immature or selfish; never whimsical or inconsiderate, that I've never done something just because I want to, regardless of how others may feel about it. It's only human.
But I try my very best not to, to be above such behaviour. I try to be honest, fair and objective in everything I do, to always try to understand, to avoid hurting others the best I can (even if I sometimes have to hurt them to do that).
Does that make me a freak of nature?

Because sometimes it feels like people see me that way. Which... Well, yes, I do understand on certain level. *chuckle*
I suppose I may often appear cold and unfeeling, with my prevalent lack of romantic and sexual feelings and all. It's just... on larger scale they're quite irrelevant, especially all the unnecessary fuss people make about them. Love is what matters most in the end, anyway. (And no, I don't see a contradiction there.)

Ah well. Maybe I am a deviant freak of nature with a manufacturing error, and should run off to the Andes to have a llama farm far away from any human habitation. I have never fit in to modern human society anyway.

Hm. When I started writing this I was feeling bitter. Now I'm just sad and emotionally exhausted.
And for what? Nothing much at all.
Guess it was just a trigger for yet another of my incoherent rants just waiting to break into surface...
darnaguen: (morrigan)
Okay, first things first:

100 Things To Do )

Anyway... Ouch.
I've been having an annoying flu for the last week or so, and the weekend really didn't help.
I probably strained myself too much by dancing etc. and my shoulders and neck are still a sore mash thanks to a certain Airaksinen's massaging methods. :p But well, I had a good time and I'm glad Ville (Janina's Ville, not Knaapi this time) was happy with his Birthday party. :)
I do worry a bit about some people, but I suppose I just have to remind myself that they're grown-up and capable of taking responsibility of their own actions. :/ I just hope any unnecessary drama will be avoided.

Me and The Fox have settled for a some kind of odd affectionate alliance, which is good. Future will bring enough unavoidable commitments anyway. *sigh* I still don't like it, but as I've said before, it won't go away if you close your eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.

Next weekend to Helsinki, then. I'm still unsure about the Christmas party on Friday, but I just bought tickets for me and Ella for the Raskasta Joulua gig at Tavastia on Saturday. It's the open-for-all-ages one starting at 6 PM, but it leaves us a possibility to attend the Graveyard Party at Gloria after it. We'll see...
darnaguen: (lotr)
The last time I posted an update there were still leaves in the trees, green leaves even.
Now it's snowing.

What else is different?
Well...

- For the past two and a half months I've been living together with [livejournal.com profile] casanovasi (my baby sister Ella, that is) in a roomy, bohemian and comfortable if a bit drafty (but I have a fireplace in my room! <3) apartment and it's been really nice so far. No major drama yet anyway. ;p
- There's a young (well, relatively), intelligent, charismatic black democrat in the White House, for what it's worth, and it may have a major impact on the whole world as we know it. We live interesting times, that is for sure.
- I think I may kinda have a boyfriend. And, knowing me, that's a major issue. *deep sigh*

I should probably elaborate, no?
But I don't even know what to say because in 2+ weeks I still haven't figured things out myself. I mean, how did that happen? And even if I wasn't the fucked-up loony with a truckload of intimacy and commitment and what-have-you issues I am, things would be complicated.
And of course he won't listen. *sigh* So I guess we're kind of screwed.

But I suppose I'm not making any sense right now, so I'd better go to sleep or something.
Just wanted to let you kittens know I haven't vanished from the face of Earth just yet.
darnaguen: (f/e)
Mmh, during the past week or so I've had so much going on in my head I've been dying to write down but haven't had time, strength or possibility to do so due to a) spending the Christmas at my mom's place b) falling once again mysteriously ill (another of those strange and unexplainable muscle cramp spells plus a high fever, this time I even had to spend some time at the medical center under surveillance, oh joy) c) probably as an after-effect of said illness, being generally lethargic and tired.

But anyway. Rant time.
I bought the second book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, New Moon, for myself as a Christmas present and realized something a bit surprising while reading it. In case there's someone who wants to read it and hasn't yet reading this, I'll put the spoilery parts under a cut.

Beauty and the Beasts )

But yes, what I actually realized was that I once again rebelled against the canon "main couple" and rooted for the underdog. When I started to think about it, I do that quite a lot.
It's actually very rarely that I support "the good ship" if there is an interesting alternative available.

Let's see...
Arwen and Aragorn? Boring! Éowyn and Faramir all the way.
One of the biggest faults of the otherwise brilliant movie trilogy was what they did to Faramir, including his beautiful romance with Éowyn which actually is the only visible romance there is in the book. They walk together in the garden and on the city walls, they talk, they confess to each other their dreams and fears, they even banter. What's not to love?

Jean and Scott? Well, pretty much anything involving good ol' Slim is enough to bore anyone into tears.
Plus, while I know perfectly well that by a long run the whole idea of Jean and Logan is completely absurd, his undying, unrequited love and devotion for her is something truly amazing. But well, my main ship in that fandom is Gambit/Rogue anyway. They're way too fucked-up and complicated to probably ever become boring. :D

Jack and Kate? Jate is fate, my ass. They don't even bore me, they make me cringe.
Jack makes me wish he would die a painful death every time he's on screen, and every time Kate is with him, I want to slap her. She completely forgets she's a competent badass bitch and becomes a sniveling, simpering wuss who practically grovels for his acceptance, and he doesn't help by patronizing her. What a great romance. *rolls eyes* And I don't say this just because I'm a so-called Skater, I'd be completely pleased if she ran off with Sayid or something, as long as it isn't Jack. But I hope beyond hope that she would stick with Sawyer. *sigh*

Will and Elizabeth... well, don't even get me started on them! Because that would never end.

In Harry Potter I could never care less about the relationships between the protagonists, it was always the side characters I found more intriguing anyway.

Actually, I think that out of all my 'ships, only Buffy and Angel have been a "good ship", and them I started shipping when I was 14 or something. Drizzt and Catti-brie are generally accepted as the main couple now (after years of indecisive on-offness, thoug), but they weren't that originally and Wulfgar was still around for a long time even after their relationship started to develop.
Shipping is pretty illogical business, and not all of my ships follow the same pattern, but most of them do. I've come to the conclusion that I usually root for relationships that are based on good companionship and/or some kind of deeper connection, mutual understanding. Which probably isn't all that surprising, considering that's the kind of love I would like to find one day. *chuckle*

Mmh. I had much more to write/rant about, but my brain's apparently not functioning properly again. Could be my screwed-up sleeping pattern, I woke up at midnight so I'm starting to feel a bit dizzy. I can't go to sleep yet, though, otherwise I'll never regain a normal pattern.
New Year's Eve tomorrow. I have no idea where I'll be. Possibly in Laitila, possibly in here. With Tommi I'm apparently at odds again at least. He saw himself justified to get mad at me because I couldn't answer the phone when I was at the med center. Pshh, whatever. He's not my pack leader.

I somehow don't want this year to end. Or actually, I don't want year 2008 to start.
I don't know why, I just have a strange, uncomfortable feeling about it.
darnaguen: (lost)


For the past two days (well, nights really as the bloody transition to winter time completely screwed up my sleeping pattern again) I've been mostly sitting at computer and watching videos like that from YouTube and wondering if I've been missing something essential in my life for having never truly been in love, having never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship.
I have loved, and that love has made me laugh and cry, desperate and elated. My friends, my pack, they mean the whole world to me. I've had crushes and been attracted to people, been fascinated with people and felt connected to them on various levels. But I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met the right person so to speak, or because I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe I have missed some valuable lessons and experiences for having not pursued the chances that I've been given but I still think that it wouldn't have felt right. And before you accuse me of being silly and naïve for expecting my one true love, the knight in the shining armor, to one day come and sweep me off my feet, let me tell you I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding a soulmate.
But I would like to one day know what it feels like to love so fiercely that it breaks your heart, to kiss someone and mean it, to be able to give and receive affection without restraints, to trust enough to give yourself completely into someone else's hands. I wish I had the courage to try.

This is a subject I'd like to write more about, but right now I'm so dizzy and tired that I'm quite unable to form coherent thoughts, let alone write them down into understandable sentences. Maybe I'll edit this later.
(And gods, this song makes me cry.)
darnaguen: (stupid humans)
Thank goodness for Mervi.

Sometimes I really think I understand what my older brother must often feel like.
He's a Mensa level genius, you see, so his mind naturally works on a whole different level compared to so-called normal people. It makes him pretty lonely because there aren't very many people who are able to really understand him and it frustrates him to no end.

I'm no genius on any level, but when people don't understand me no matter how many times I try to explain myself to them, it makes me want to bang my head against a stone wall. Which, I guess, is pretty normal.
Most frustrating thing about this is that often those nearest and dearest to me, like my mother and my sister, misunderstand me. If the people who are supposed to know me best don't understand me, what are the chances that someone else would?

But well, I guess the thing that bothers me most right now is that I feel like me and Ella have started to grow apart somehow. Maybe one of us has changed or maybe we've always been so different from each other and it has just lately started to really show.
Of course I've always known she's the type who wants to settle down and have a nice, safe and stable relationship and a whole bunch of kids, but... it's like her "nestbuilder mode" has lately activated and she's become... I don't know, domesticated somehow? She just wants to belong to someone and live peaceful and content life with her family without having to worry about anything else.
And me, I'm still the wild child with commitment issues who loves her freedom above all and to whom the whole idea of domestication is pretty much a horror that can be compared to a cage. And those worlds clash. Boom.

Very good example about this is that whenever the subject of Pirates of the Caribbean comes up, our views about it are totally different.
Mention At World's End to me and I'll start a rant about sexism and character regression and wasted opportunities and lack of logical continuity and whatnot. She didn't mind those things.
And she thinks I prefer Elizabeth with Jack because I identify with Elizabeth and want to be with Jack.
(Le sigh. I don't 'ship like that. Besides, gimme a Scruffington any time, baby.)

As I said, our worlds collide. In a way it's like she's on a wavelength I can hear but can't tune in to while I'm on a wavelength she can occasionally hear through interference noise and can't tune in to at all.
It's really sad because I love her dearly and I feel really guilty about being occasionally arrogant and snappish around her. Thank goodness we are "only" sisters, not lovers, because as nice as the idea of "true love conquering all obstacles" is, it's highly unrealistic. Maybe there are couples that can have a happy relationship without understanding each other, but I just can't even imagine how can that work.
But well, maybe I'm just too demanding. *dry chuckle*

Ah, anyway. As I said, I'm really glad that there is someone like Mervi in this group because as a fellow empath/people-reader she can understand me better than most of the others.
I'm also really humbled that such a strong and amazing person as she is sees herself as my second-in-command as the alpha female of this "pack". *shakes her head* Alpha female? Me?

Gah. It's 6.17 AM again and I once again failed to express my thoughts the way I wanted. Oh well, maybe the reason why people misunderstand me so often is because I can't express myself understandably. *chuckle*

Good morning, kittens.
darnaguen: (Default)
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hold,
The old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything.

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair,
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again
A million miles away,
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.


I have friends I don't deserve.
Thank you, you are too good to me.
darnaguen: (Default)
Syksy alkaa oikeasti tuntua vähitellen (yes, I'm writing in Finnish. Suffer, you mortals, bwahaha!).
Puissa on yhä vihreät lehdet, eikä se muutenkaan vielä varsinaisesti näy, mutta sen tuntee, muustakin kuin tuulesta. Se ei minua haittaa, ei lainkaan. Rakastan tätä vuodenaikaa, ainakin silloin kun päivät eivät ole harmaita, vaan kirpeitä ja aurinkoisia.

Kävin pitkästä aikaa Cosmicissa. Istuin toisessa niistä pienistä pyöreistä pöydistä, join Indian Spice -teetä (jota takuulla ostan omaan kotiini sitten joskus kenties melko piankin) ja luin vanhaa Nemiä. Oli kyllä pikkuisen ulkopuolinen olo.

Minulla on myös oudon sosiaalinen ja seurankipeä olo. Tekisi mieli lähteä jonkun kanssa kaakaolle tai baariin tai tanssimaan tai jotain. Mutta tietysti se on niin, että kerrankin kun minä olisin sosiaalisella tuulella, muut haluavat syystä tai toisesta möllöttää omissa oloissaan. *huoh*
Se Taivaan Saaret -nuotioilta olisi myös hirveän kiva saada järjestettyä, mutta siitä huolimatta, että aika moni tuntuu asiasta innostuneelta, pelkään että se kaatuu johonkin käytännön vastoinkäymiseen, todennäköisimmin ajankohdan epäsopivuuteen kaikille. Figures.

Miksei sitä vaan voisi viettää koko loppuelämäänsä hilpeässä larppaajakommuunissa jossain korven keskellä? Hiiteen todellisuus, tylsät, ahdasmieliset ihmiset, tosi-tv ja byrokratia. Pimitontut ja ilmamerirosvot ainakin olisivat mielenkiintoisempia ongelmia.
Täytyy myös myöntää, että olen ehkä pikkuisen kateellinen Lehdenlaululle. Hän on rakastunut ja onnellinen kaikesta huolimatta. Minä en ole kumpaakaan. En varmaan edes osaisi olla.

Tragi kyllä yritti väittää minulle, että olen rakastunut. Hitot olen.
En itsekään kieltämättä tiedä, mistä siinä oikein on kyse, mutta rakkautta se ei ainakaan ole. Jos olisin vielä nuori ja naiivi (enkö sitten muka ole?), voisin ehkä pitää sitä jollain lailla romanttisena, mutta kolme viimeistä vuotta on opettanut minulle, että yhteyksiä on monenlaisia.
Hitto vie, en minä siihen Holopaiseenkaan ole rakastunut vaikka luenkin sitä kuin avointa kirjaa ja vaistoan sen mielialoja.
Tottakai se silti hämmentää minua, niinkuin tämäkin. Minua hämmentää aina kun jotain kummallista tapahtuu elämässäni enkä tiedä mistä on kyse. Ehkä siihen pitäisi vähitellen alkaa tottua, ja hyväksyä, että en tule saamaan niitä vastauksia ainakaan kovin pian.
Ja vaikka hän tuntisikin samalla tavalla kuin minä, tuskin hänkään osaisi vastata jos marssisin hänen luokseen kysymään mistä hitosta tässä hommassa oikein on kyse.
Eikä kaikkia asioita kuvaamaan kai edes ole sanoja. Tämä lienee yksi niistä.

Äh. Maailma on taas tarpeettoman monimutkainen paikka.
Tai ei se olisi elleivät ihmiset tekisi siitä sellaista...

No jaa. Ehkä menen vain nukkumaan ja sitten huomenna kadun mitä taas on tullut sepusteltua tänne.
darnaguen: (Default)
Meh, it seems like I was happy too soon or then it is some cosmic law that if you have a good day, the next one won't be...

Oh well, something good anyways: I found from my e-mail (bless the people who commented those) the three lost entries from my old journal, from the summer of 2004.
Midsummer, Ruisrock and Ropecon. <3

I think I'll copy them here just in case. (They're in Finnish, btw, but if someone wants to know what they say I can probably translate them)

Here )

Heheh... I was so much more open and elaborate in my entries back then...
darnaguen: (Default)
Gah, first they changed the layout of the Nightwish Website and it was okay, I guess, but now they changed the layout of the forum too and it feels really weird.
It used to be so beautiful and soothing with that deep midnight blue and twinkling stars and now it's so... grey. Dull. Sterile. =/
Oh well, I guess I'll get used to it, but I do hope they will change it again soon, to match the colour theme of the forthcoming album or something (since this layout is supposed to match the Once colours... But where is the purple?).
I want my interactive home to feel like home again.

Anyways... I just came home about 1,5 hours ago from celebrating Ville's 18th birthday.
It was quite a nice evening after all. I almost beat Tommi in Tekken even though I've never played it before, bonded a bit with a fellow empath, probably drank more alcohol than ever before (augh, my head...), heard something really confusing, laughed my ass off at the antics of the very drunken Tommi and Ville ("Duffman!!! "Oh yeah!!") and even felt loved. Nice.
Nevertheless I decided it was better to come home instead of going to Mervi's with the others even though for some reason the boys really seemed to want me to come along. :p
It was better this way.

Hmm... Yesterday there was a TV-movie by BBC on TV, about what would happen if the enormous volcano under the Yellowstone National Park in USA would erupt. Quite interesting, in a macabre way though. Reminded me of the dream I had a couple of nights ago.
In that dream I was inside a some kind of vault, underground or under some mountains, I'm not exactly sure. Either way the point was that there was going to be a huge deluge that would drown everything under it, a bit like in the movie Deep Impact.
I remember the moment when the water started flooding above our heads. And just like the man with that Irish accent in the tv-movie I said: "So now it begins..." with a tone that was almost delighted in some twisted, macabre way. And quite sadly I thought about everything the water would drown under it, all the buildings and cities, forests and hills...
Interesting, really...

Hmm, I wonder if I'm going through my first hangover ever right now. :p
And I'm quite sure there was also something else I wanted to write about but I can't remember what it was. Damn.
darnaguen: (Default)
I had a nice day yesterday.

In the afternoon we went to a Chinese restaurant with Valtsu, Ella and Tommi and had a nice dinner and hilarious conversation (the first thing I heard when I arrived was Tommi and Ella arguing playfully whether or not Ella should protect me from Tommi's advances xD). After we had finished our meals Samuel joined us to have some dessert and then me, Tommi and Samuel left with Ella to go to her place. There we planned our forthcoming World of Warcraft RPG (yes, apparently they got me too...) a bit until Samppa had to go to work.
Then we just had some nice quality time lying on the bed and watching tv lazily until Tommi left to go clubbing with his school friends.
Oh, and they think I should have a boyfriend and planned to set me up on a blind date. It's sweet that they're concerned, but really... I've lived almost 20 years without a boyfriend, so why should I need one now? I'll find myself one when it's the right time.
(Besides... You keep the trolls, darling, I'd rather have a wolf. ;))

We were going to just have a quiet sister-night after that, but then Tommi called and asked us to come to Klubi to listen to some "bad metal" and so we went there. The whole thing was basically just waste of money (6€ for entrance and another 6 for a drink) because those bands (Deathchain, Torture Killer and a band whose name I can't remember. All of them more or less death metal.) weren't really our favorites and the night was nothing special anyway. Well, it wasn't really a disaster either because it's always nice to spend time with my two most beloved ones, but... Yeah.

Though something quite funny happened on my way back home. I ran into an old classmate and she was like: "You were in that Deathchain gig too, right? I saw you there!". Wow, I haven't seen her in years, but I'd never have thought she would become someone you can run into during a death metal gig... Life is strange sometimes.
Wait, did I say sometimes? It's always strange. My life at least.

Meh, I have an urge to express how I'm feeling somehow, but I can't find the right words.
I don't actually even know how I'm feeling. It's like I want to say something, but for some reason I can't or don't dare to... Oh well.
Maybe I'll just shut up and go to sleep. Work tomorrow, and I have to prove them that my physical and mental health are good enough for me to go to practical training.
Gah, shouldn't think about that...
darnaguen: (Default)
Meh. I should go to sleep.
I can't miss another day at work. Plus, we're going to visit some second-hand shops.

*sigh*

What the hell is wrong with this period of time?
Everyone is breaking up at the same time...
I still can't believe it of those two. It just doesn't feel real.

And now I'm feeling it all in myself. No wonder I want to get away or hide inside myself.
But I know I can't do that. I must be strong if they can be strong too.
I so much wish I could do something to help. Anything.

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you, darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you, darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone...


Dunno. Somehow I thought it fits the atmosphere.
darnaguen: (Default)
A year ago I posted the lyrics of I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders here.

I still feel that way, although I know I have been a lousy friend on many occasions.
I'm sorry.

Heheh...

"Teach me passion for I fear it's gone.
Show me love, hold the lorn.
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me.
I'm sorry.

Time will tell
(- this bitter farewell).
I live no more to shame nor me, nor you.

And you...
I wish I didn't feel for you anymore."


Yeah. Maybe I'll write about this evening, and maybe the last one too tomorrow.
Even though this entry may seem quite melancholic, I did have good time.
An anniversary.

Blessed be, my beloved ones.

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darnaguen

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