darnaguen | We Are The Lucky Ones?

For the past two days (well, nights really as the bloody transition to winter time completely screwed up my sleeping pattern again) I've been mostly sitting at computer and watching videos like that from YouTube and wondering if I've been missing something essential in my life for having never truly been in love, having never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship.
I have loved, and that love has made me laugh and cry, desperate and elated. My friends, my pack, they mean the whole world to me. I've had crushes and been attracted to people, been fascinated with people and felt connected to them on various levels. But I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met the right person so to speak, or because I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe I have missed some valuable lessons and experiences for having not pursued the chances that I've been given but I still think that it wouldn't have felt right. And before you accuse me of being silly and naïve for expecting my one true love, the knight in the shining armor, to one day come and sweep me off my feet, let me tell you I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding a soulmate.
But I would like to one day know what it feels like to love so fiercely that it breaks your heart, to kiss someone and mean it, to be able to give and receive affection without restraints, to trust enough to give yourself completely into someone else's hands. I wish I had the courage to try.

This is a subject I'd like to write more about, but right now I'm so dizzy and tired that I'm quite unable to form coherent thoughts, let alone write them down into understandable sentences. Maybe I'll edit this later.
(And gods, this song makes me cry.)

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Bloody woman, are you operating in my head now?:) Cause this is exactly the kind of stuff that has been going through my mind lately. And this topic in general has been bothering me for a long, long time. I have been in a relationship, which is my very first one, for three years now, and my boyfriend is undoubtedly the most important person in my life. I do not believe in love at the first sight but with some people you just have the connection, the mutual understanding, right from the beginning.

We were really good friends two years before we started dating, we gradually grew closer and closer, and this is how I would still describe our relationship first and foremost; best friends. And this is, in a way, how I guess I want my partner to be, my best friend and equal, connected and close to me but still a separate, independent person. Thought of living only for someone else or as some kind of a half of a couple, only perfect when united to the other half, is totally terrifying to me, and for some reason it seems like I just cannot do romance as it is tradionally seen. Even if I tried to. And that bothers me every now and then.

I mean, I love him deeply, but I have never experienced the mad, romantic, cant-help-falling-in-love let's-love-like-there-is-no-tomorrow moment. I guess I consider myself a somewhat passionate person on many levels, but still, ultimate closeness or intimacy for me does not have anything to do with being physically close or even around that person.

And just like you, I cannot say if it is because I cannot feel such thing or if I just do not let myself or because there has not been an opportunity to do so. And I really do not want to think that human emotions are some sort of a zero-sum game, but maybe one person just cannot cover whole range of emotions at the same time (this sounds really stupid, though, not to mention a a bit sad). But still, I could believe that for example you are able to experience and relate to other kinds of feelings, which other people could desperately long for.

But of course you would like to experience something that seems special to you and everybody else considers the most incredible feeling in the whole world, and so do I. Well, I do not really know what my point was suppose to be here (or if I got yours right), perhaps just to say that I can relate to how you feel and even after having taken the first step and letting yourself love someone, you can still feel like you are missing out on something. I have also thought about ideas presented above that perhaps the so-called "soul mate" is not the one with whom you can make it partner-wise, and I am not quite sure either. Blaah, life and love are so bloody hard no matter which way you look at them.

-Maarit

Sorry. :D
You know, I have to say I really envy you. You seem to have the kind of relationship I've always wanted to have. I know I said I'd like to know what it feels like to be madly in love even once in my life, but first and foremost I'm looking for a mate to run with, to use wolf terms. A best friend and a lover, soulmate and companion. An equal, a sparring partner and comrade in arms. Someone who would be there to catch my fall just like I would be there to do the same to him.
I think I'll throw in yet another quote from the books I seem to love to quote nowadays, the protagonist describing his best friend and love:

"And finally there is Catti-Brie, wonderful and so full of life. Catti-Brie is the opposite side of the same coin to me, a different reasoning to reach the same conclusions. We are soulmates who see and judge different things in the world to arrive at the same place. Perhaps we thus validate each other. Perhaps seeing Catti-Brie arriving at the same place as myself, and knowing that she arrived there along a different road, tells me that I followed my heart truly. Is that it? Do I trust her more then I trust myself?"

Those two are my inspiration, being everything I described above. *chuckle*

Just a quick answer to your replies. Yeah, I think I have quite a similar take on love as you do. I mean I have also come across people who have made my head spin, palms sweat, who have somehow made me so insecure and vulnerable and haunted my dreams for a long time. But that is definetely not love for me. I guess some people would say exactly the opposite, that the so-called butterflies are the only real sign of love, but I could not trust them or build anything lasting on that kind of emotions. Which I guess sets me apart from many people in my life and bothers me sometimes.

And I am sort of a commitment-phobic too, but just like you, not because I would like to enjoy or experince life as a single or date other people. Sometimes I just need to be on my own, without any resposibilities towards anyone else, but still knowing that there is someone out there, who undestands me and loves me no matter what. Yeah, and I also know that it is quite a lot to ask.:)

-Maarit

We Are The Lucky Ones?

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