The Howling

Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.

(I'm at Tommi's computer because mine is a piece of crap and I'm not used to his keyboard, so apologies in advance for any typos.)

Guys, I have a dilemma.
A similar one than you had a while back, suomigoth , as in someone from my past just added me on Facebook and I'm unsure about what I should do.
You see, the thing is a bit complicated. Some of you probably know who I'm talking about, but... a couple of years ago there was this guy. Not a boyfriend or anything, but for a little while we were fierce close, like a brother and sister perhaps. But the thing is, he also was a manipulative bastard with sociopathic tendencies and he managed to fuck a lot of things up, turn people against each other and such. Eventually he went away somewhere, don't know where because at that point he was already at the top of my shit list (I don't care who you are, you simply just DON'T mess with my friends) but now he seems to be back and wanting to reconnect with people.
I mean... I'm wary, hella wary. But also kind of curious because of course he managed to find just the right words to invoke my interest. But why should I want to hear his tale of woe from these past couple of years? Whatever he's been through, I'm pretty sure he brought it upon himself.
But on the other hand it would be interesting to see if he's changed at all, or will he be back to his old wiles if you give him the smallest of chances. I mean, I see right through his crap so he can't manipulate me, and I'm not afraid of him anyway because I know for a fact that I am stronger than him, but... the bond between us was really strong, and probably still exists on some level, so that's a little unsettling. So what to do, what to do?

---

Ah, yeah, anyways... So, I've been living with Tommi for nearly three weeks now, and yes, that's what I've been alluding to in my previous posts. Yeah, it happened a bit fast considering we've only been dating less than a year, but it was pretty much out of necessity. You see, jupedog , the flatmate of my sister/flatmate casanovasi 's boyfriend partaveikko decided to move to Mikkeli with his girlfriend, so partaveikko needed a new residence within a month's notice, and since he'd been already practically living at our place for a couple of months... Yeah, I needed a new flat ASAP, and because at this time of the year it's basically impossible to find a single-room apartment, I needed a flatmate. Therefore, the boy moved to Turku with me.
I don't really mind, our new flat is really nice, with sauna and central heating and all, and I really don't miss the noise of the city (welcome back, rustling of wind in the treetops and sounds of aeroplanes swooping overhead - if only those goddamn fighter jets would GTFO from doing those practice flights in the middle of the night >_<) and all the nuisance musty old house brought with it.
Also living together has so far been surprisingly effortless, but I should probably knock on wood because domestic bickering is inevitable at some point (thank god we have similar tastes in furniture etc. :p), and I do admit it's been a bit tough to get used to lack of personal territory and complete control over my finances (basically he pays the rent, I get the groceries and other domestic stuff). It also annoys me to no end that legally we're more or less considered married now, and his income affects my allowances etc. Stupid outdated laws.
(But I have to say, every time I see the names "DAHLSTRÖM MÄKINEN" in our front door I have to grin to myself a little. Fate works in mysterious ways sometimes.)

---

Tonight was the final gig of Nightwish's Dark Passion Play tour. I had a ticket, but I had to sell it at the last minute due to being broke ATM. But somehow I don't even feel bad about it. So much has changed during these past couple of years it would probably have been mostly a bittersweet experience. Heh, I was just listening to David Guetta & Akon's Sexy Bitch (I blame Alexander Skarsgård, or at the very least this video, it's freaking addictive!) and was vividly reminded of mine and Vera's misadventures in the Helsinki night with Aine and James two years ago. Dancing at the posh penthouse nightclub with (Finnish, don't get too excited) celebrities all around, oh my. xD It would have been funny to see if something like that would have happened again.
But yeah... When it comes down to it, it's probably best I didn't go. If I'm completely honest with myself, I would pretty much have gone only to see Tanja, Patricia, Ricarda and everyone. And maybe Apocalyptica. It's really sad in a way because the band used to mean so much to me. The irony is palpable. Ah well...

---

I also have some thoughts on True Blood considering the final three episodes and the series in general, but I'll probably post them in a separate entry as I really should be sleeping already. Last night I stayed up all night and then slept half the day, oops. Tommi being out of town is clearly not good for my sleeping pattern. :p

So, goodnight kittens, and also sorry for being such a lousy (LJ) friend lately, been busy with the flat and all. :/

I'm pretty sure this is not what I signed for.
Odd affectionate alliance? Weelll... Shit. After these last three days, I don't even know anymore.
Somehow things managed to get both easier and a whole lot weirder between us.

But I suppose I should stop worrying and just enjoy what I have. Six years ago the mere idea of lying in his bed, drinking tea and listening to the Goo Goo Dolls would have sounded too good to be true. And really, I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I'm a lucky bitch.
Except... Yeah. Still not too keen on sharin'. Hypocritical much? *chuckle*
Especially because I've always said neat labels and categories are useless but now I find myself in need of something to describe what we are. "Odd affectionate alliance" still fits in a way, I suppose. "Awfully coupley non-couple"? "Something too fucking complicated to even describe with words (but not really)"? *shakes her head with a wry smile*

Ah well. I'd better talk about it with him or something.
(And I'd appreciate it if people didn't meddle, even though I'm sure you guys mean well.)

P.S. Dear god, I love this band. <3

Okay, first things first:

( 100 Things To Do )

Anyway... Ouch.
I've been having an annoying flu for the last week or so, and the weekend really didn't help.
I probably strained myself too much by dancing etc. and my shoulders and neck are still a sore mash thanks to a certain Airaksinen's massaging methods. :p But well, I had a good time and I'm glad Ville (Janina's Ville, not Knaapi this time) was happy with his Birthday party. :)
I do worry a bit about some people, but I suppose I just have to remind myself that they're grown-up and capable of taking responsibility of their own actions. :/ I just hope any unnecessary drama will be avoided.

Me and The Fox have settled for a some kind of odd affectionate alliance, which is good. Future will bring enough unavoidable commitments anyway. *sigh* I still don't like it, but as I've said before, it won't go away if you close your eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.

Next weekend to Helsinki, then. I'm still unsure about the Christmas party on Friday, but I just bought tickets for me and Ella for the Raskasta Joulua gig at Tavastia on Saturday. It's the open-for-all-ages one starting at 6 PM, but it leaves us a possibility to attend the Graveyard Party at Gloria after it. We'll see...

Mmh, during the past week or so I've had so much going on in my head I've been dying to write down but haven't had time, strength or possibility to do so due to a) spending the Christmas at my mom's place b) falling once again mysteriously ill (another of those strange and unexplainable muscle cramp spells plus a high fever, this time I even had to spend some time at the medical center under surveillance, oh joy) c) probably as an after-effect of said illness, being generally lethargic and tired.

But anyway. Rant time.
I bought the second book of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, New Moon, for myself as a Christmas present and realized something a bit surprising while reading it. In case there's someone who wants to read it and hasn't yet reading this, I'll put the spoilery parts under a cut.

( Beauty and the Beasts )

But yes, what I actually realized was that I once again rebelled against the canon "main couple" and rooted for the underdog. When I started to think about it, I do that quite a lot.
It's actually very rarely that I support "the good ship" if there is an interesting alternative available.

Let's see...
Arwen and Aragorn? Boring! Éowyn and Faramir all the way.
One of the biggest faults of the otherwise brilliant movie trilogy was what they did to Faramir, including his beautiful romance with Éowyn which actually is the only visible romance there is in the book. They walk together in the garden and on the city walls, they talk, they confess to each other their dreams and fears, they even banter. What's not to love?

Jean and Scott? Well, pretty much anything involving good ol' Slim is enough to bore anyone into tears.
Plus, while I know perfectly well that by a long run the whole idea of Jean and Logan is completely absurd, his undying, unrequited love and devotion for her is something truly amazing. But well, my main ship in that fandom is Gambit/Rogue anyway. They're way too fucked-up and complicated to probably ever become boring. :D

Jack and Kate? Jate is fate, my ass. They don't even bore me, they make me cringe.
Jack makes me wish he would die a painful death every time he's on screen, and every time Kate is with him, I want to slap her. She completely forgets she's a competent badass bitch and becomes a sniveling, simpering wuss who practically grovels for his acceptance, and he doesn't help by patronizing her. What a great romance. *rolls eyes* And I don't say this just because I'm a so-called Skater, I'd be completely pleased if she ran off with Sayid or something, as long as it isn't Jack. But I hope beyond hope that she would stick with Sawyer. *sigh*

Will and Elizabeth... well, don't even get me started on them! Because that would never end.

In Harry Potter I could never care less about the relationships between the protagonists, it was always the side characters I found more intriguing anyway.

Actually, I think that out of all my 'ships, only Buffy and Angel have been a "good ship", and them I started shipping when I was 14 or something. Drizzt and Catti-brie are generally accepted as the main couple now (after years of indecisive on-offness, thoug), but they weren't that originally and Wulfgar was still around for a long time even after their relationship started to develop.
Shipping is pretty illogical business, and not all of my ships follow the same pattern, but most of them do. I've come to the conclusion that I usually root for relationships that are based on good companionship and/or some kind of deeper connection, mutual understanding. Which probably isn't all that surprising, considering that's the kind of love I would like to find one day. *chuckle*

Mmh. I had much more to write/rant about, but my brain's apparently not functioning properly again. Could be my screwed-up sleeping pattern, I woke up at midnight so I'm starting to feel a bit dizzy. I can't go to sleep yet, though, otherwise I'll never regain a normal pattern.
New Year's Eve tomorrow. I have no idea where I'll be. Possibly in Laitila, possibly in here. With Tommi I'm apparently at odds again at least. He saw himself justified to get mad at me because I couldn't answer the phone when I was at the med center. Pshh, whatever. He's not my pack leader.

I somehow don't want this year to end. Or actually, I don't want year 2008 to start.
I don't know why, I just have a strange, uncomfortable feeling about it.

Thank goodness for Mervi.

Sometimes I really think I understand what my older brother must often feel like.
He's a Mensa level genius, you see, so his mind naturally works on a whole different level compared to so-called normal people. It makes him pretty lonely because there aren't very many people who are able to really understand him and it frustrates him to no end.

I'm no genius on any level, but when people don't understand me no matter how many times I try to explain myself to them, it makes me want to bang my head against a stone wall. Which, I guess, is pretty normal.
Most frustrating thing about this is that often those nearest and dearest to me, like my mother and my sister, misunderstand me. If the people who are supposed to know me best don't understand me, what are the chances that someone else would?

But well, I guess the thing that bothers me most right now is that I feel like me and Ella have started to grow apart somehow. Maybe one of us has changed or maybe we've always been so different from each other and it has just lately started to really show.
Of course I've always known she's the type who wants to settle down and have a nice, safe and stable relationship and a whole bunch of kids, but... it's like her "nestbuilder mode" has lately activated and she's become... I don't know, domesticated somehow? She just wants to belong to someone and live peaceful and content life with her family without having to worry about anything else.
And me, I'm still the wild child with commitment issues who loves her freedom above all and to whom the whole idea of domestication is pretty much a horror that can be compared to a cage. And those worlds clash. Boom.

Very good example about this is that whenever the subject of Pirates of the Caribbean comes up, our views about it are totally different.
Mention At World's End to me and I'll start a rant about sexism and character regression and wasted opportunities and lack of logical continuity and whatnot. She didn't mind those things.
And she thinks I prefer Elizabeth with Jack because I identify with Elizabeth and want to be with Jack.
(Le sigh. I don't 'ship like that. Besides, gimme a Scruffington any time, baby.)

As I said, our worlds collide. In a way it's like she's on a wavelength I can hear but can't tune in to while I'm on a wavelength she can occasionally hear through interference noise and can't tune in to at all.
It's really sad because I love her dearly and I feel really guilty about being occasionally arrogant and snappish around her. Thank goodness we are "only" sisters, not lovers, because as nice as the idea of "true love conquering all obstacles" is, it's highly unrealistic. Maybe there are couples that can have a happy relationship without understanding each other, but I just can't even imagine how can that work.
But well, maybe I'm just too demanding. *dry chuckle*

Ah, anyway. As I said, I'm really glad that there is someone like Mervi in this group because as a fellow empath/people-reader she can understand me better than most of the others.
I'm also really humbled that such a strong and amazing person as she is sees herself as my second-in-command as the alpha female of this "pack". *shakes her head* Alpha female? Me?

Gah. It's 6.17 AM again and I once again failed to express my thoughts the way I wanted. Oh well, maybe the reason why people misunderstand me so often is because I can't express myself understandably. *chuckle*

Good morning, kittens.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hold,
The old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything.

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair,
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again
A million miles away,
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.

I have friends I don't deserve.
Thank you, you are too good to me.

Meh, it seems like I was happy too soon or then it is some cosmic law that if you have a good day, the next one won't be...

Oh well, something good anyways: I found from my e-mail (bless the people who commented those) the three lost entries from my old journal, from the summer of 2004.
Midsummer, Ruisrock and Ropecon. <3

I think I'll copy them here just in case. (They're in Finnish, btw, but if someone wants to know what they say I can probably translate them)

( Here )

Heheh... I was so much more open and elaborate in my entries back then...

I had a nice day yesterday.

In the afternoon we went to a Chinese restaurant with Valtsu, Ella and Tommi and had a nice dinner and hilarious conversation (the first thing I heard when I arrived was Tommi and Ella arguing playfully whether or not Ella should protect me from Tommi's advances xD). After we had finished our meals Samuel joined us to have some dessert and then me, Tommi and Samuel left with Ella to go to her place. There we planned our forthcoming World of Warcraft RPG (yes, apparently they got me too...) a bit until Samppa had to go to work.
Then we just had some nice quality time lying on the bed and watching tv lazily until Tommi left to go clubbing with his school friends.
Oh, and they think I should have a boyfriend and planned to set me up on a blind date. It's sweet that they're concerned, but really... I've lived almost 20 years without a boyfriend, so why should I need one now? I'll find myself one when it's the right time.
(Besides... You keep the trolls, darling, I'd rather have a wolf. ;))

We were going to just have a quiet sister-night after that, but then Tommi called and asked us to come to Klubi to listen to some "bad metal" and so we went there. The whole thing was basically just waste of money (6€ for entrance and another 6 for a drink) because those bands (Deathchain, Torture Killer and a band whose name I can't remember. All of them more or less death metal.) weren't really our favorites and the night was nothing special anyway. Well, it wasn't really a disaster either because it's always nice to spend time with my two most beloved ones, but... Yeah.

Though something quite funny happened on my way back home. I ran into an old classmate and she was like: "You were in that Deathchain gig too, right? I saw you there!". Wow, I haven't seen her in years, but I'd never have thought she would become someone you can run into during a death metal gig... Life is strange sometimes.
Wait, did I say sometimes? It's always strange. My life at least.

Meh, I have an urge to express how I'm feeling somehow, but I can't find the right words.
I don't actually even know how I'm feeling. It's like I want to say something, but for some reason I can't or don't dare to... Oh well.
Maybe I'll just shut up and go to sleep. Work tomorrow, and I have to prove them that my physical and mental health are good enough for me to go to practical training.
Gah, shouldn't think about that...

A year ago I posted the lyrics of I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders here.

I still feel that way, although I know I have been a lousy friend on many occasions.
I'm sorry.

Heheh...

"Teach me passion for I fear it's gone.
Show me love, hold the lorn.
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me.
I'm sorry.

Time will tell
(- this bitter farewell).
I live no more to shame nor me, nor you.

And you...
I wish I didn't feel for you anymore."

Yeah. Maybe I'll write about this evening, and maybe the last one too tomorrow.
Even though this entry may seem quite melancholic, I did have good time.
An anniversary.

Blessed be, my beloved ones.