We Are The Lucky Ones?

[darnaguen]

For the past two days (well, nights really as the bloody transition to winter time completely screwed up my sleeping pattern again) I've been mostly sitting at computer and watching videos like that from YouTube and wondering if I've been missing something essential in my life for having never truly been in love, having never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship.
I have loved, and that love has made me laugh and cry, desperate and elated. My friends, my pack, they mean the whole world to me. I've had crushes and been attracted to people, been fascinated with people and felt connected to them on various levels. But I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met the right person so to speak, or because I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe I have missed some valuable lessons and experiences for having not pursued the chances that I've been given but I still think that it wouldn't have felt right. And before you accuse me of being silly and naïve for expecting my one true love, the knight in the shining armor, to one day come and sweep me off my feet, let me tell you I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding a soulmate.
But I would like to one day know what it feels like to love so fiercely that it breaks your heart, to kiss someone and mean it, to be able to give and receive affection without restraints, to trust enough to give yourself completely into someone else's hands. I wish I had the courage to try.

This is a subject I'd like to write more about, but right now I'm so dizzy and tired that I'm quite unable to form coherent thoughts, let alone write them down into understandable sentences. Maybe I'll edit this later.
(And gods, this song makes me cry.)

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Just a quick answer to your replies. Yeah, I think I have quite a similar take on love as you do. I mean I have also come across people who have made my head spin, palms sweat, who have somehow made me so insecure and vulnerable and haunted my dreams for a long time. But that is definetely not love for me. I guess some people would say exactly the opposite, that the so-called butterflies are the only real sign of love, but I could not trust them or build anything lasting on that kind of emotions. Which I guess sets me apart from many people in my life and bothers me sometimes.

And I am sort of a commitment-phobic too, but just like you, not because I would like to enjoy or experince life as a single or date other people. Sometimes I just need to be on my own, without any resposibilities towards anyone else, but still knowing that there is someone out there, who undestands me and loves me no matter what. Yeah, and I also know that it is quite a lot to ask.:)

-Maarit