Help?

[darnaguen]

Oh fuck. Looks like I'm doing the bailing thing again.
The thing where I'm supposed to go somewhere or do something but instead I don't and I cower and hide and shut down and hate myself for doing so.
Not good. Not good at all

I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to fight it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Darna. *bangs her head agains the desk*

I suppose I need some sort of help, but who could help me?
Not those psych guys for sure. They're supposed to be professionals and I have to explain stuff to them. I mean, I could of course be wrong, but I don't think being hypersensitive and empathic has anything to do with being delusional.
No, I do NOT hear voices in my head or in the radiowaves or anything like that. I am NOT afraid of absorbing into someone else or absorbing someone else into myself. I do NOT over-identify with fictional characters (I mean, I may identify with them, but I don't walk around believing seriously I'm a 17th century pirate or something) and can tell fiction from reality just fine.
While other people's emotions taking over me may confuse me from time to time, I've never lost the grasp of my own identity (well, not any more than any normal teenager, as everyone goes through that "Who am I?" phase I suppose).

Ah well. Maybe they just don't have to deal so often with people like me who are just so bloody sensitive to everything (on increasing level, no less...) that it's making them neurotic, socially challenged nerve-racks who have to push people away and keep them at arm's length to shield both themselves from others and others from themselves. *bitter chuckle*
Maybe I just have to accept that I'm doomed because as far as I know, there's nothing that can be done about this. They could of course sedate me or lock me up in some institute, but would it help on long run? Hell no.

Some sort of meditation? If only I had the patience to try. *sigh*

Comments

[suomigoth.livejournal.com]

It sounds like those psychs consider you more insane than you really are ... "hearing voices or radiowaves" , "over-identifying with fictional characters"... I can now totally imagine you walking around Kaupptori dressed up in a pirates outfit and refusing to talk anything else but the pirate language of the sea LOL
I think you´re just really making those psychiatrist mad because they know how to handle with REAL insane people (or at least they think they do) but as for empaths.... I see a lot of myself in you actually, being an empath myself. Sometimes the feelings I absorb from other people can really take me over, I can feel their sadness or depression or even happiness like it's my own. Though I think a difference between us is that in time I've learned to let people close to me, even though I still am afraid that if I let them too close I'll hurt them or they will hurt me, resulting even now often in me pushing the ones that come to close away. Angst or selfprotection?
But let me tell you what I think causes your, how to call it, different way of being than normal people. You suffer from to much intellect and a too rich imagination. Is there a cure? I wish I knew it *sighs* If I knew it I'd tried it myself. I think basically the only way to change it is to change the way you think, basically the way you are, and thus loosing yourself for somebody that's more down to earth. Something which is very hard to do, and I, for me, am not willing to do it. I do envy those ' normal' people sometimes who can live all in the here and now, don't loose themselves in their thoughts too much, not wishing to see or find more in this world than they see and have. I always thought that in time I would become more ' normal', but Im starting to realise that I can never be like those other people. My heart, my mind is longing for it. Like you, even when Im loosing myself in some fictional world, I never forget who I am. Yet being like this has hurt me many times, because from time to time you will fall with a bang face-foreward back on the earth, and realise how the world really is and how much of an outcast you feel in it, and because being the way I am, guided by my thoughts and imagination, I keep on pushing the people that love me the most away....
Why is it that always you have to adjust and never is it that the world around you will adjust to you?

(sorry for this long post of thoughts, maybe they way I described it is totally not how you feel you are, but I just felt like telling you this)

[(Anonymous)]

Actually I have been thinking a helluva long time if I should reply to this because I really have nothing to say that could possibly help...But maybe it helps a tiny little bit to just know there`s someone out there (far away, but still) who can totally relate to what you wrote because I found remarkable similarities...I have been on the search for a quick-fix basically all my life, but to no (or at times short lived) avail, so I finally felt I was up against the wall. So I agreed to start ambulant therapy, which might take several years...It gets on my nerves already but in the long run might as well sort things out for me, so I`m thinking what`s there to lose ?
You see, nothing helpful to say really but...maybe a kindred spirit.
Whatever.

Hope you feel better soon!

-I.-