The Howling

I am twenty-three and this I have learned:

a) There is no excuse for three things: cheating, bullying and school shooting.

Disagree all you like, but you can't change my mind about this.

b) Righteous fury is one of the greatest natural highs, but not something you want to feel.

---

I am twenty-three and I wish the day I turned twenty-three had never happened.

Though, had it not been that day, it would most likely have been some other day.
But I don't think there could have been a worse possible day for that.

---

I am twenty-three and I find myself thinking of where goes the fine line between forgiveness and masochism.

Or trust and stupidity.

My apologies for a) making a lyric entry b) posting these lyrics for the second time already. But they really describe my thoughts and feelings at the moment better than anything I could come up with myself.

Oh, here you are,
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down,
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want,
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own...

Plus: For a while now I've had a very ugly feeling that the time is really starting to run out and right now it's making me so anxious I can barely breathe, let alone function normally. *stares at her trembling hands*

Maybe next time I can write some kind of decent update about my life lately. *sigh*

 Human emotions. I don't want them. Please take them away.

...I thought I was over this crap.
Help?

I went for a run last night. Or, well, more like a vigorous walk because I'm still in too rubbish a physical shape to be effortlessly running/jogging for 1,5 kilometers, especially in the dark forest.

But anyway, it's a pity I haven't done that more often lately. I suppose it really is like that, that one doesn't truly realize what they have until they (are about to) lose it. I have to make sure I'll do that whenever I can for the following two weeks because soon the rustle of wind in the treetops, birdsong and the sound of the gliders swooping leisurely overhead will be traded to sounds of city and railway. No more chances to just step out of your door and run into the woods whenever you feel like it.

This has been a good place to live. Unpractically far from the town centre, sure, but generally a good place to live. My only regret -- as I said -- is that I haven't really taken everything I can out of my surroundings. For example I haven't been exploring the Riihikallio-Pomponrahka area much at all.
But I don't know... Maybe it's psychological, but again last night when I first went uphill towards Riihikallio and then followed the jogging path back past the water tower and eventually into Nunnavuori, the hairs in the back of my neck were standing up until I was well past the water tower. Sure, it was also one of those Nordic late summer nights, half-dark in a way that can make your imagination play tricks on you if you don't keep your wits about you, and with a pale waning moon casting faint beams though the trees.
But I've been in that area (Riihikallio, that is) in broad daylight and still felt strange. And I don't think it's just the ruins of the burned-down house, it's something... older, I think. Ah well, perhaps Ella is right...
I should also return to Pomponrahka/Isosuo with a clean slate, try to forget all that bullshit that went on 3-4 years ago and just trust my instincts.

Aki called the other night, by the way. Just to ask me to hang out and have a drink because he was in town, I'm sure, but I still found it a bit funny. I couldn't go, but he also said he might be coming back in September (that bloody September again *chuckle*), maybe attend our house-warming party.
This sure is going to be interesting... *shakes head*

I was going to write more about Ropecon today, but I came to the conclusion that I don't actually have much to say about the event itself.
It was Ropecon. Hot long-haired guys, girls with elf ears, wacky antics and general boredom.

It was a good 'Con, but to me personally it's quite irrelevant because the reason why I was there wasn't the con itself. I was there because I felt I had to be there. I had lived in my safe little bubble for too long and blocked out all unpleasant thoughts about fate and future and whatnot.
It is clearly time to take the initiative and do something, even though I still don't know what I should do. But I thought I'd start with those two conversations I had on the Saturday night. There is a lot more to discuss with both of them, but yeah, it's a start.

I also decided that I will start Taiji-Qigong again this September, no matter what. I already wasted a year.

Hmm. There's much I want to say, but I can't quite find right words. I already wrote some stuff in my blog (link is in my sidebar in case someone's interested in reading strange ramblings), but even that didn't come out quite right. I'm feeling restless, like I should do something or say something, but I don't know what. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. As usual. *sigh*

I have an unexplainable and quite frightening urge to get drunk, totally shit-faced drunk.
Not that I could, at the moment. Two puny cans of Rekorderlig and a small bottle of Vana Tallinn that currently reside in my fridge are hardly enough to get me anything more than mildly sloshed. So why bother.

I've also recently come to a conclusion that I'm even more fucked-up than I've given myself credit for. I'm only surprised of how long it took me to realize it. *chuckle*
Asocial. Avoidant. Obsessive-Compulsive. (Passively) self-destructive. And who knows what else.
So maybe that psychiatric evaluation and personal therapist assigned to me weren't such bad ideas after all.

Meh.

I feel like a part of me is missing, like someone stole a piece of my soul.
And I hate it. I didn't think I would feel like this ever again.

Damn you.
(I want to howl.)

[/cryptic emo entry]

Isn't it funny how sometimes there are people you meet and just immediately like, and feel like you've known them for ages? I think I have a new friend, and it makes me really happy.
But the thing is, that person is the most unexpected friend I'd ever thought I'd have.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My life, after all, is apparently doomed to be full of strange occurences and "coincidences". *wry smile*

Hmh, to Tavastia tomorrow (Wednesday).
It will undoubtedly be interesting experience, for more than one reason. Not only because the band itself has changed, but also because my own view on them has changed. I no longer can be just a happy, carefree fangirl, which is quite sad. Sometimes ignorance indeed is bliss.
And this isn't to say that I have learned some horrible truth about them or something, no. It's just... the whole thing has become such an unavoidable part of my life that I can't get rid of it just like that even if I wanted to. A duty, even.

Ah well, I should probably go to sleep. Busy day tomorrow.
I have to do laundry, send some e-mails, run some errands like getting myself a new student card, go to school, panic about Wednesday (as I always panic about everything) and also try to find time to study the Forgotten Realms books I borrowed from Jupe and Aarne and for my forthcoming campaign. (Me GMing an RPG campaign, can you imagine? But apparently people want me to, so I guess it's worth a try.)

Hmm. I should probably start being less open about my eccentricisms on public message boards, I've already apparently managed to make certain people think I'm some obsessed psycho and a possible threat. *dry chuckle*
Oh well, shit happens. It does bother me but I guess there's nothing I can do about it.

Ah well, anyways...
I had a nice day. We went to see the fifth Harry Potter movie and I have to say it became my favourite one after The Prisoner of Azkaban, it had a very similar feel to it.
It followed the book very loyally, had some great scenes, great continuity from the previous films (same sets, props and even clothes and flashbacks from the previous films) and über-cute Tonks and Luna.
But there wasn't enough of the Order! The Order of the Phoenix is probably the coolest thing in the whole Potter universe, they deserve more screen time. Especially Remus, who was on the screen like two minutes if even that much (but ha! I always knew young Remus had long hair :]) and wasn't even in the Advance Guard which is weird because the whole point was that he was the only one there whom Harry knew for sure he could trust. And the "Don't call me Nymphadora!" line was supposed to be bantery and the first hint about what happens in the next book. (Yeah, I ship Remus/Tonks, sue me :p)
Also the finale was a bit anticlimatic somehow and Voldy looked too human, must have been the eyes (and it certainly didn't help to see him in a suit or dressed like Harry).
Bellatrix was okay, though half of the time I couldn't help thinking that Helena Bonham Carter was just being herself. ;p But Rodolphus and Rabastan looked great!
Oh, and the "new" Dumbledore still doesn't convince me. He's too shabby and impatient and where the hell are his half-moon glasses? RIP Richard Harris. *sigh*

After the movie we went to eat some Chinese (which I decided is not really for me) and reminsce the days of old when we were still silly rebellious teens with Ella, Mervi and Fanny and from there to Cosmic Comic Café where we played a funny character analysis game. Apparently I'd be a great tv-safari hostess whose cameramen get eaten by alligators all the time. :D

Meh. I should probably go to sleep.
I already have like three books I'm currently reading, but I have a feeling I just might grab my The Order of the Phoenix from the shelf and re-read it and The Half-Blood Prince before I go buy the last one.

EDIT: Oh fucking hell. That thing really does bother me. *bangs her head against the desk*
I guess I should at least try to do something about it.

Meh. Looks like it's one of these days again.
I have tickets to Ruisrock for two days, but now that some unfair person moved Gogol Bordello (and added Turisas! Unfair, I tells ya!) to Sunday, I apparently already missed Finntroll and don't really have enough interest for Poisonblack after all, it looks like I'm only going to go check out Children of Bodom (and possibly Amorphis, depending on when I have to leave) today, and they won't start playing before 22.20.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Strangely enough it will be the first time I see Kotiteollisuus play live without Holopainen (unless he decides to surprise everyone and makes an appearance, which would be great because then they could play Satu Peikoista for Ella as a birthday present). But I'll have my beloved "guardian angel"/birthday girl/sister (in arms)/other half of our rockstar magnet duo with me, so all should be good. *knocks wood just in case*

It also sucks that I seem to have one of my unsocial-bordering-snarky phases, and of course half the world wants to hang out with me right now. Figures.

EDIT to add the official cryptic part:
"Why do I miss someone I've never met?"
You said it, boy... You said it. *shakes head incredulously*
Hope you at least have found her now, brother...