The Howling

The previous entry was so emo I even annoyed myself.
Ergo, it's gone. I shouldn't be allowed to make LJ entries in that kind of state.

But yeah, suomigoth: The Twilight series by Stepehenie Meyer is in essence about a quite normal girl who finds herself in love with a vampire. And then there are hot and funny Native American werewolves. There are three books out so far: Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. They're pretty good, even though they frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. :p I think you might like them, though you probably wouldn't take "my side". ;)

Anyway... As if my life isn't strange enough as it is, a couple of odd but pretty interesting new things: firstly, for a couple of days now, I've had a really strong yearning for the Northwestern USA or North America in general. Oregon or Washington, or perhaps British Columbia in Canada. Those books may of course have an influence, as they take place in the Olympic Peninsula in Washington, but it can't be the whole explanation because I have a strong, almost physical need to be there in person. It has subsided somewhat from the day before yesterday, but I can still see these flashes of snow-covered mountains and vast, ancient coniferous forests in front of me sometimes. Very odd. Sometimes a private plane would come so handy.
Another interesting thing is that a girl from the NW forum, somewhat psychic/empathic herself, had a dream of me and another of the forum empaths walking with her in a beautiful forest by a river. Yeah, there's not necessarily anything epic or supernatural about it, but it's interesting nonetheless.

(After a quite a long pause) I just spent almost an hour on phone with my mother.
She's right, I must find a way to do something about my oversensitivity. It won't do to break down on regular basis like this, whenever something is too much for me on emotional level. How can I be of any aid to others when I'm a terrible mess myself?
So: I'll have to start eating and sleeping properly, taking walks in the woods, and most importantly finding myself a some sort of balancing routine and a way of meditating. I really hope there will be a Qigong course somewhere in Turku this spring, it would be the most ideal option.

Oh fuck. Looks like I'm doing the bailing thing again.
The thing where I'm supposed to go somewhere or do something but instead I don't and I cower and hide and shut down and hate myself for doing so.
Not good. Not good at all

I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to fight it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Darna. *bangs her head agains the desk*

I suppose I need some sort of help, but who could help me?
Not those psych guys for sure. They're supposed to be professionals and I have to explain stuff to them. I mean, I could of course be wrong, but I don't think being hypersensitive and empathic has anything to do with being delusional.
No, I do NOT hear voices in my head or in the radiowaves or anything like that. I am NOT afraid of absorbing into someone else or absorbing someone else into myself. I do NOT over-identify with fictional characters (I mean, I may identify with them, but I don't walk around believing seriously I'm a 17th century pirate or something) and can tell fiction from reality just fine.
While other people's emotions taking over me may confuse me from time to time, I've never lost the grasp of my own identity (well, not any more than any normal teenager, as everyone goes through that "Who am I?" phase I suppose).

Ah well. Maybe they just don't have to deal so often with people like me who are just so bloody sensitive to everything (on increasing level, no less...) that it's making them neurotic, socially challenged nerve-racks who have to push people away and keep them at arm's length to shield both themselves from others and others from themselves. *bitter chuckle*
Maybe I just have to accept that I'm doomed because as far as I know, there's nothing that can be done about this. They could of course sedate me or lock me up in some institute, but would it help on long run? Hell no.

Some sort of meditation? If only I had the patience to try. *sigh*

Why must I always feel too much?

Now I'll be all muddled for days, maybe even weeks because of the damn DVD.
I must learn to block that thing, whatever it is that makes me affected by almost everything around me.
And most strongly by a damn band for some reason. Argh. *sigh*

Okay, shutting up now...

What an evening once again...
It seems that even when this gang is having the best time ever together, there are still tragic undertones. Always.

It was Valtsu's birthday party in Downtown (which was a really nice place and more roomy from inside than it looks like from outside, by the way)and it was really fun. It was nice to see Timo and Petri again after a long time, and hang around with people and be more social for a chance as it is. For a while it seemed like everyone had good time and everything was alright. But well, I guess everything is never alright when it comes to these people and their relationships... *sigh*

So this evening was full of quite contradictory emotions and tears were brought into my eyes for at least three different reasons. One was because I laughed so much (ah, Tommi, my lad... *shakes her head grinning*), one was feeling miserable and sad for Ella and one was because I was so moved by what someone said to me.
I can 'read' people (and sometimes I can also be pretty blind), but this evening I realized that I actually know someone who can do that much better than I do. She could see right into my heart, and that was new to me. How come I haven't realized her power before?
Oh well, I guess I have when I think about it... I've always felt this kind of warm strenght in her, and... Yeah. *gets lost in thought* A she-wolf mother, that is what she reminds me of.
My eyes still get damp when I think of the things she said to me. Oh well, I'm a bit emotional today, it seems. *feeble smile*
And using that as a wonderful excuse I just want to say this:

I love you, guys. You mean a world to me although I don't often know how to show it correctly.
I sincerely wish brighter tomorrow for all of you, that eventually you will feel better and find the right path in your lives.
If I can help you with that, just tell me.

A quite fitting quiz result:



You are Give Unto Me -
You're an observant person that just wants to help.
You see people for what they are and you have an eye for seeing if
people are suffering or not. You desperately want to help - even if it hurts you.
You are an amazing person... I wish there were more people like you
out there, maybe the world would be different...

Quote: What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are small matters compared to what lies within us.

Here are the words to the song:

I've been watching you from a distance
The distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Why should I care if they hurt you
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you (save you)
I'll save you

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness


What Evanescence song are you? (With the words to the song, Pics and quotes!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Pyöri taas tuossa kotiin kävellessäni mielessä kaikkea syvällistä ja muka-syvällistä josta olisin kovasti halunnut kirjoittaa tänne, mutta nyt kun yritän, se ei kuitenkaan onnistu.

Ainakin pohdin sitä, miksi aina kun olen tuon jengin kanssa jossain viettämässä aikaa päädyn jossakin vaiheessa iltaa angstailemaan ja/tai itkeskelemään. Se on aika perseestä, sillä haluaisin voida kontrolloida omia tunteitani edes jonkin verran enkä myöskään halua antaa itsestäni kuvaa huomionkipeänä draamakuningattarena tyyliin: "Katsokaa-nyt-kun-istun-täällä-nurkassa-tosi-angstisena-buhuu-mitäpä-minusta-taidan-mennä-kotiin-viiltelemään-ranteitani-juustohöylällä".
Argh.

Joskus olisi oikeasti vain helpompaa olla tuntematta mitään.
Sekin helpottaisi jos tuntisin vain ne omat tunteeni enkä muiden tunteita siihen lisäksi.
Kun ne omatkin ovat yleensä tarpeeksi sekavia...

Ja sitten ne ihmettelivät tänäänkin miksi eristäydyn neljän seinän sisälle enkä harrasta sosiaalista elämää.
Oh well. Ehkä olisi joskus ihan terveellistäkin puhua jonkun kanssa, ihan kasvokkain.
Esim. Valtsun kanssa jutteleminen oli tosi mukavaa tänään (tai siis eilen).
Asioiden hautominen oman päänsä sisällä ajaa lopulta vain hulluksi, eikä tännekään voi ihan kaikkea vuodattaa. Tai voisi kai, mutta sillä voisi olla seurauksia. Kai.
Äh.

Niin angstiselta ja huomionkipeältä etc. kuin se kuulostaakin, haluaisin nyt oikeasti vain käpertyä kokoon jonnekin pimeään, turvalliseen paikkaan ja itkeä. Ja nukahtaa. Ja unohtaa kaiken ja unohtua.
Eivätkä asiani edes loppujen lopuksi ole niin pahasti. Mikä taas aiheuttaa huonoa omaatuntoa.
Yeah... Siunattua Beltanea, lapset.