darnaguen | "If I have to crawl, will you crawl too?"

Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

En varmasti ole ensimäinen ihminen, jonka puoleen kääntyä, mutta *halaa* Jaksamista ja voimia.

Kiitos, arvostan sitä todella. *hymy*

Love is never easy - they say, and most of the time they're right. I'm not sure if there is such thing as instant love, like there is instant coffee. *grin* It is more like instant infatuation and chemistry. Love is always one step away from hate and being sometimes mad at other is about being in love. But this is all something you can learn from books, and films, and songs, and poetry, and etc. etc. There are as many ways of love as there are people.

But then again... My deepest, longest experience of love is without relationship. It is still much more than just a crush, puppy love, or some distant admiration. Most of the time it is living hell. I'm not fooling myself. I'm just trying to adjust to the situation and try to be happy that I ever happened to met him, but - truly - if I could, I would steal him to me and run to the edge of the world, and probably it would end in big catastrophe. Still, knowing it, I would do it. Without any apparent reason. But as I have said to myself many times, especially during this year, "if I could explain it, it wouldn't be real."

I have a nagging feeling that I have some odd karmic lesson to learn about love in this life. Mostly unrequited love. So much for the quiet life of philosopher... *k

PS. I'd say U2's With or Without You kinda represents my feelings quite right.

It makes me sad to read something like this, so I'm going to try and offer a little comfort...

I know this is a boring, not-very-helpful answer, but questioning one's own motives is a normal part of every relationship. Especially when it comes down to romantic love. My personal experience about Fate or some big structure-like thingies in life in general is that they never exist to cause us just pain. Never. The pain and the obstacles might be an instrument for some greater good in the end, or they might be a path that needs to be taken before we can find the good, peaceful ones. But ending up from one mess to another over and over again without any purpose, it just... it just makes no sense. Thus, if any voice in you is speaking for leaving and carrying on alone, it should be listened to.

But on the other hand, given the amount of doubt and fragility that loving includes, love is always a matter of choice too. The key question is probably: does making this decision and commitment offer me more good things than bad things? Because there will always be both. If there's any doubt in you - as the case seems to be - I'd say you should stay and try work things out with the boy. When the last drop falls and it's definitely time to go with no further questions, you will know it.

I've had a similar problem too, and I know how crushing the anxiety can get at worst. Hang in there. Give yourself time, nothing needs to be decided RIGHT NOW.

And by the way; to me having fun with someone and enjoying his company does sound like love...

( Blah, I don't know if I'm being of any actual help here. Just wanted you to know that I feel your pain, and want you to overcome this shit. )

Vaikka löytäisitkin joskus sen jonkun Ainoan Oikean Sielunkumppanin, olisit varmasti melko pian tukkanuottasilla senkin kanssa. Parisuhteet ovat sellaisia. Niihin kuuluu tiettyjä vaiheita, jotka toistuvat lähes aina samanlaisina: rakastuminen, eriytyminen, kumppanuus.

Ihmiselle tuntuu olevan luontaista kaivata sitä, mitä ei juuri sillä hetkellä omista. Sinkut haikailevat lämmön ja läheisyyden, yhteisen iltateen ja sohvannurkassa kainalokkain vietettyjen laiskanpulskeiden sunnuntai-iltojen perään, ja vakiintuneet haaveilevat vapaudesta tai miettivät, tekisikö joku muu sittenkin heidät onnellisemmiksi.

Välillä on hyvä pysähtyä miettimään, mitä elämältään haluaa ja miten nykyiset tekijät edesauttavat/estävät noita haaveita toteutumasta. Jos haaveena on hankkia jalkapallojoukkueellinen oranssitukkaisia poikalapsia, kannattaa pohdiskella soveltuuko nykyinen kumppani isäkandidaatiksi tai jos haluaa elää loppuelämänsä erakkona puun latvassa, kannattaa harkita kahdesti ennen kuin aloittaa laborantinopinnot.

Mutta kerkeäähän sitä tarkastella fiiliksiään, siulla on koko elämä aikaa tehdä päätöksiä.

Älä hätäile.

"If I have to crawl, will you crawl too?"

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