The Howling

Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Who had given me unrealistic standards for love and if I should just suck it up and learn to enjoy what I have.
And if the thing love songs are written about is just fairytale rubbish that is fed to naive fools, or if I have been missing out.

I can't really blame anyone, except maybe fate and myself (when do I not blame myself?). But I just wish I knew how to love.

I mean... I do know love. I do love people. But I have never experienced so-called romantic love.
Which, I suppose, is just as well, because I'm not even sure if I believe in that concept. It's hormones and biology. Rushing into things before you're even sure if you like each other, or in the worst case: know each other well enough to be able to decide you want to spend the rest of your life together. Good thing there's divorce.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so cynical. But it's hard not to be when it's all you've ever known.
It's not that I don't believe in soulmates. I do. But even if you find them, you never seem to end up with your soulmate. You end up with the other one, and probably spend the rest of your life trying to tell yourself you're happy the way things are.

No, I don't mean to say that I have met a soulmate but lost them (not in the strictly romantic sense anyway...), but... I just wish it didn't feel like me and Tommi are two pieces of a puzzle that just don't fit no matter how you try to put them together. That I didn't find myself wondering if I'm with him for completely wrong reasons: not because I want to be, but because I feel like I have to be. Like it's Fate's decree.
I enjoy his company and we often have fun, but I'm not at all certain that I truly love him, and it's gnawing at my soul. And as good as our companionship is at best, is there enough to pull us back together if we start drifting apart?

Maybe it's the season, the ever-present, oppressing darkness. Maybe it's just natural that lately it seems like all we do is argue. We've been living together for three months and the honeymoon phase is over. There's money and health and work and fear of what future brings. We both doubt ourselves and probably each other. And find wrong ways to deal with those doubts. It's human.

But I wish I could trust him. I wish I could love him. I wish we could be happy.

I wish I didn't have to think about things like finding a new apartment.

Or how will I be able to hold it all together if I lose him too.