The Howling

Rougher than Death the road I choose
Yet shall my feet not walk astray,
Though dark, my way I shall not lose
For this way is the darkest way.

Set but a limit to the loss
And something shall at last abide
The blood-stained beams that form the cross
The thorns that crown the crucified;

But who shall lose all things in One,
Shut out from heaven and the pit
Shall lose the darkness and the sun
The finite and the infinite;

And who shall see in one small flower
The chariots and the thrones of might
Shall be in peril from that hour
Of blindness and the endless night;

And who shall hear in one short name
Apocalyptic thunders seven
His heart shall flicker like a flame
Twixt hell’s gates and the gates of heaven.

For I have seen your body’s grace,
The miracle of the flowering rod,
And in the beauty of your face,
The glory of the face of God,

And I have heard the thunderous roll
Clamour from heights of prophecy
Your splendid name, and from my soul
Uprose the clouds of minstrelsy.

Now I have chosen in the dark
The desolate way to walk alone
Yet strive to keep alive one spark
Of your known grace and grace unknown.

And when I leave you lest my love
Should seal your spirit’s ark with clay,
Spread your bright wings, O shining dove,—
But my way is the darkest way.

-Joseph Mary Plunkett, April 1916

I was going to write more about Ropecon today, but I came to the conclusion that I don't actually have much to say about the event itself.
It was Ropecon. Hot long-haired guys, girls with elf ears, wacky antics and general boredom.

It was a good 'Con, but to me personally it's quite irrelevant because the reason why I was there wasn't the con itself. I was there because I felt I had to be there. I had lived in my safe little bubble for too long and blocked out all unpleasant thoughts about fate and future and whatnot.
It is clearly time to take the initiative and do something, even though I still don't know what I should do. But I thought I'd start with those two conversations I had on the Saturday night. There is a lot more to discuss with both of them, but yeah, it's a start.

I also decided that I will start Taiji-Qigong again this September, no matter what. I already wasted a year.

Hmm. There's much I want to say, but I can't quite find right words. I already wrote some stuff in my blog (link is in my sidebar in case someone's interested in reading strange ramblings), but even that didn't come out quite right. I'm feeling restless, like I should do something or say something, but I don't know what. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. As usual. *sigh*

Augh, I hate PMS and everything related to it.
I've been really cranky for the last couple of days and today I've either been tremendously uncomfortable or in infernal agony. And really weepy.
In the morning I finished reading the previously mentioned Eclipse and cried a good half an hour if not even more (but then again, I probably would have cried anyway *sigh*), and while I was on the bus on my way to the downtown and my mp3 player played Creek Mary's Blood, I very nearly started crying again.

Sometimes I really hate feeling things so strongly, and my damn hormones aren't helping. When I'm like this, I can get so deeply affected by for example completely fictional stuff that it's very difficult for me to focus on anything else. Very annoying, and also makes my life unnecessarily difficult.
People keep telling me I should try meditating as it would help me build stronger "shields", but I don't know, I'm afraid I would be too restless for it to work, and unable to empty my head from thoughts. But as there won't be another Qigong course in six months or so, it's my only option at the moment. It can't go on like this.
Especially as I think I've lately become increasingly sensitive to everything. I'm more aware of changes in the atmosphere, energies between people and people's discomfort, even changes in weather affect me physically.

Also... It's kinda funny in some morbid way, but lately I've started to have this "before it's too late" or "soon it won't matter anymore anyway" kind of mentality. I've become almost ridiculously sure about something really huge and radical happening quite soon, in a few years perhaps. What's especially funny about it is that my older brother has such faith in the future, he believes the world can be saved with his science. In a way I wish I could believe it too, but on the other hand I believe this huge and radical thing will ultimately be a good thing, in the end, when the dust has settled.
I also believe my discomfort with this newborn year has something to do with that, especially as I found out I'm certainly not the only one who feels uncomfortable and even worried about 2008. Only time will tell, but I'll stay on my guard nevertheless, just in case.

*chuckle* I know what I wrote may sound to a normal, rational person like ramblings of a mad person, but... remind me to tell you I told you so. *wry smile*

Isn't it funny how sometimes there are people you meet and just immediately like, and feel like you've known them for ages? I think I have a new friend, and it makes me really happy.
But the thing is, that person is the most unexpected friend I'd ever thought I'd have.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My life, after all, is apparently doomed to be full of strange occurences and "coincidences". *wry smile*

Hmh, to Tavastia tomorrow (Wednesday).
It will undoubtedly be interesting experience, for more than one reason. Not only because the band itself has changed, but also because my own view on them has changed. I no longer can be just a happy, carefree fangirl, which is quite sad. Sometimes ignorance indeed is bliss.
And this isn't to say that I have learned some horrible truth about them or something, no. It's just... the whole thing has become such an unavoidable part of my life that I can't get rid of it just like that even if I wanted to. A duty, even.

Ah well, I should probably go to sleep. Busy day tomorrow.
I have to do laundry, send some e-mails, run some errands like getting myself a new student card, go to school, panic about Wednesday (as I always panic about everything) and also try to find time to study the Forgotten Realms books I borrowed from Jupe and Aarne and for my forthcoming campaign. (Me GMing an RPG campaign, can you imagine? But apparently people want me to, so I guess it's worth a try.)

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Iiinteresting... Because Facade says the same.
Though I don't know about that luck part...

Funny, by the way, that by dropping out the first letter of my middle name I changed my personal rune from Jera to Kano which suits me better in my opinion. Though also Ansuz has always somehow felt very close to me.

Oh, and I can never stop laughing at this part of my Facade profile:

"Words that embody the causes of your circumstances are "Cage"."

Mmh, in a way I'd like to get myself a Tarot reading, as a kind of "second opinion" or whatever. It's been two years since my visit to the fortune teller and I'm starting to wonder if anything she said will come true. Not that I think she's faux, because pretty much everything she has predicted to my mother has come true, but... Meh, I don't know.
This annoying suspense is just driving me mad. I just want to know! Is that too much to ask?

Hrr. I'm trembling all over and restless as hell.
I wonder if it's that glowing white thing in the sky that makes me feel like this again.
Can't really focus on writing in a state like this.

Even though now it's officially the 8th day, some superstitious part of me has fun with the thought that it's the night of the 7th of September and the moon is full tonight. September. Seventh sky.

I've been often wondering why the number seven seems to follow me wherever I go.
Though it seems like its meaning has been growing lately. But well... Even though I don't have the number in my birthdate like Ella and Veera do (Ella even thrice), seven was present even when I was born. Pleiades, the Seven Sisters, reach their Northernmost point in the night sky on 31st of October. And that I didn't learn until I found this, which of course already meant something to me as it is. *strokes the pendant hanging around her neck thoughtfully*
Another funny "coincidence" (yeah, still don't believe in 'em) was that I was almost named Sorja which resembles the Arabic name Soraya which means... Yup, The Pleiades. *chuckle*

And what's the September thing all about?
Well, ever since 2003 September has seemed to be a significant month to me in a way.
Mostly someone has appeared to my life and taught me something important. Important on grand scale. I know I'm talking in riddles, but it's better that way, really. Trust me.
Let's see... Three years ago it was Eero. Funny thing, kinda bittersweet in a way.
Two years ago it was Aki. The night at the castle grounds... Ooh boy. *wry smile*
Last year... Hmm... I'm not sure. Nothing like those previous years. Unless maybe... Hmm... It remains to be seen. Maybe this year? Time will tell.

Yeah, I shouldn't be writing stuff like this again, but if someone is going to strike me with a lightning or send the monsters under their bed to bite me in the ass for it, so be it...

And today's lyrics, track number 777 on my playlist:


I'd like to add that that song started playing totally randomly as I was writing this.

*trods off chuckling to herself*

"When you will meet the right one, his happiness will mean the whole world to you."

Hmm. I wonder if that is really what is meant to be.
And can I fight my fate if it is?

I don't want to. I don't.

I think I have to make a decision whether I'll go to Tampere this weekend to meet the people from Nightwish forum, or will I go to the FME on the next.
I really would like to do both, but that's difficult with only 70€. I could go to Tampere by Zacharael's car so that won't be very expensive, but I'd have to come back by the last train because I have no place to stay. And those damn train tickets are too damn pricy now that I have no student card (or whatever it's called in English...). Gah.

I think I have to borrow some money from my mother for the FME anyway because the train tickets are still expensive, and I'm still not sure will I be there only one day or two because I have no idea where to crash the night. But Friday is a must, gotta see the NW lads if possible, and of course the FMA (Finnish Metal Awards). I'm really excited to see if Nightwish will win the "Metal Achievement Of The Year" Award for the sacking of Tarja. At least I voted for it. ;p

I'm a bit terrified, I must admit. This will be the first time I'll do something like this almost ex tempore. I'm a wuss, I know, but I think it's also pretty interesting that about six months ago I couldn't have even thought about going to a metal music event all by myself (well, hopefully I'll have Veera and maybe also Timo with me this time, but anyway...).
I don't actually even know why I want to go there so badly, but I guess this will be good training for me if I ever become a rock journalist (wow, seems like I have already decided that I want to become one O_O), to see how the Finnish metal scene works etc.

And who knows if it will be a turning point of my life somehow...
The Fate works in mysterious ways.

Hmh. I've been having those strange flash images about those forests again. The misty lake in the early hours of the morning in Nuuksio. Isosuo in the middle of the night. Kuhankuono during a warm summer day. Some various woodlands whose names and locations I don't remember, and then that frustrating, strangely Nightwish-related memory or something like that. Weird.

Ah, anyway... When it will become warmer I think I want to go to Isosuo again. Haven't been there since me and Veera got lost there and almost found ourselves from the airport last spring. It would be cool to try what would it be like to sit in the middle of the quiet, dark swamp listening to Visor Om Slutet...

Heheh, that reminded me one of my poems, Suden Uni. *chuckle* Ah well.
Maybe I should go to sleep now or I won't get any sleep at all tonight.
Goodnight, my children.

Nyt kun kerran avautumaan ryhdyin, kaipa tämän voisi tännekin kopsia:

Stuck In A Moment I Can't Get Out Of

Mikä minua vaivaa?

Haluan tämän pahan olon (tai mitä tämä sitten lieneekin) ulos itsestäni.
Viime päivinä on tapahtunut paljon, ja kuitenkin olen oudon... mikä se sana on? Englanniksi se lienee "unshaken".

Pitäisi varmaan vaan parkua oikein kunnolla.

Perjantaiyönä itkin pari tuntia tietämättä oikeastaan syytä sille. Vielä.
Lauantaiyönä kyyneleet tulivat silmiin, mutta oikeastaan vain tärisin hallitsemattomasti, en niinkään itkenyt.
Toissailtana sain luettua Half-Blood Princen loppuun ja sitä itkin pitkään.
Ja itkisin varmaan taas jos lukisin ne viimeiset luvut uudestaan.

En saa mitään tehtyä, jumitan vain paikoillani kummallisessa tunteettomassa apatian tilassa. Helvetti, en halua sen saavan taas otetta itsestäni!
Tuskan kestän, mutta en sitä, että mikään ei tunnu miltään.

Hiton talven piti tulla ennen kuin ehdin metsään.
Tai kai sitä voisi vieläkin lähteä tuonne länteen päin, tutkimaan ne metsät.

Mutta ainakaan se yksi ei enää kummittele unissani.
Vaikka toisaalta ne unet olivat myös melko mielenkiintoisia.
No joo, parempi näin, auttaa unohtamaan sen koko jutun.
Sillä typeräähän se on, edes hetkeä kuvitella, että asia voisi olla niin.

Helvetti, tarvitsen elämääni sisällön.
Miksen voi vain ihastua johonkuhun? Mikä estää?
Koska se kohtalon määräämä oikea tyyppi ei ole vielä sattunut vastaan ja minun pitää odottaa kunnes hän suvaitsee ilmestyä?
Koska itse en anna itseni ihastua?
Helvetti, että minun pitääkin olla tällainen...
Tarvittaisiin joku, joka oikeasti iskisi minulta jalat alta, johon heti tuntisin voimakkaan yhteyden... Jonka kanssa tuntisin oloni turvalliseksi, hyväksi, kokonaiseksi, vapaaksi...
Mahtaako sellaista ollakaan?

Yhteyden olen tuntenut, parinkin tyypin kanssa, mutta... *hymähtää*

Vuonna 2007, niin se ennustaja sanoi. Kun olen 20 ja valmistunut jostain koulusta. Sikäli kun mikään, mitä hän minulle kertoi tulee pitämään paikkansa. Mikään ei ole vielä toteutunut, ainakaan tietääkseni.
Äidilleni ennustetut asiat kyllä.

Minua vanhempi.
Matkustaa paljon sekä työn puolesta että vapaa-ajalla.
Ansaitsee hyvin.
Hänellä on poikalapsi.
Elämäni rakkaus, joskin suhteemme ei tule olemaan helppo vaan aikamoista tahtojen taistelua.
Saatan kuulemma aavistaa kenestä on kyse.

*huokaus*
Mikäli siis tulkitsin ja muistin kaiken oikein.
Onhan niitä ehdotuksia heitelty, jopa varsin kaukaahaettuja...

Time will tell, se on kai vaan pakko hyväksyä.

Taidan nyt mennä keittiöön parkumaan tai sitten itkemään itseni uneen ja yrittämään unohtaa kaiken vähäksi aikaa.

Muutama yö sitten jossain angstiahdistusavioliitto -puuskassani Irc-gallerian päiväkirjaan suoltamani teksti. *hymähtää*

On muuten ihan uskomattoman ärsyttävää seurata suomalaisen roskamedian riepottelevan minulle erittäin tärkeää bändiä täysin säälimättömästi vain siksi, että se teki ratkaisun, joka oli pakko tehdä. Onneksi niitä kirkuvia otsikoita alkaa olla jo vähemmän joten voin kulkea kaupungilla joutumatta kiristelemään hampaitani ja yrittämään hengittää rauhallisesti.
City-lehden pääkirjoitus oli kyllä kaiken huippu. Hitto soikoon, mitä tykkäisit siitä, jos Marco tulisi ja potkaisisi sinua munille, herra päätoimittaja? *growl*

Miksen osaa käydä koulua? En taaskaan ole ollut yhdelläkään tunnilla. *huoh*
Äh. En juuri nyt osaa kirjoittaa mitään fiksua. Ehkä jatkan myöhemmin yöllä.