I just heard someone from my past died yesterday. And I don't know how I should feel about it.

To clarify a little, he's the guy I'm talking about here.
So my first thought was "Good riddance." Then I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Yeah, complicated.
For all the crap he pulled, I did love him once. And he taught me a lot about myself, if indirectly.
I still think he could have chosen another path, that he still had hope when I met him. I wish he will in the next lifetime.

(Also funny: I had a strange, kind of wistful dream about him a few nights ago. Now I can't help but feeling it was a goodbye.)

Some people I know who knew him feel like celebrating. And I can't blame them. He caused a lot of damage.
To me as well. But still...

Run free, brother. I hope you will find the Moonlight Realm.

----

Kerran, kylmän keväisen kuutamon alla,
alla taivaan harmajan, hiljaisen,
kuljin kanssaan suomaalla vierahalla
sieluni toivetta etsien.

Ei kuu meille näyttänyt kasvojaan,
kuten tähdetkin, peittivät pilvet sen.
Me jäimme lammelle istumaan
aivan hiljaa, yötä kuunnellen.

Oli huurteessa metsä ja roudassa maa,
peitti jääriite soistuvan lammen pintaa;
vaan kaks' oli liekkiä palavaa
mi korvensi kahden yön lapsen rintaa.

Paloi veressä yö, kaipuu rinnassa soi,
vaisto vaati kutsua seuraamaan.
Vaan kutsuun ei kumpikaan vastata voi -
ihmisiä me olemme, orjia vaan.

Vapautta mi hain, sitä löytänyt en,
rauhaa sydämeeni en löytänyt lain.
Vaan vääristyi olemus totuuden
ja itseni pahemmin kahlitsin vain.

On kaukana kuunvalon valtakunta,
sinne pääsenkö koskaan? Tiedä en.
Nukkuu vierelläin veljeni suden unta
-kenties vapauden polkuja kulkien...

-Spring 2004

The summer managed to take me by surprise again. Finnish summer is good at sneaking on you like that.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been spending money like crazy lately.
First I ordered The Mists of Avalon DVD from CDON (about 13€), then I bought tickets for me and Ella (as a graduation present) to the Turku gig of Nightwish in December (87,65€ including shipping costs) and today I spent 60€ to books.

I was in Akateeminen when I noticed some brilliant person had finally decided to translate the first part of the Young Jack Sparrow series in Finnish, and the book version of At World's End (which is a lot more elaborate than the two previous ones) as well.
I don't really know why I bought the latter because I still like AWE the least of the three, but at least it has some scenes that were cut from the film, like that exchange between Jack and Becks about their shared past.
The translation of both is luckily quite good (although "Aye" doesn't bloody translate as "Ohoi". That's "Ahoy". And in Tia's case the word "mystic" is a noun, not an adjective.), but I'd still have rather bought them in English if it had been possible because especially with the YJS book I have to use some imagination to hear Jack's "voice" in my head. Ah well, at least it's not only in bloody Swedish anymore.
I was already about to leave when I spotted an interesting-looking book in the "New books" shelf. It was Morrigan's Cross by Nora Roberts (yes, I know she's a romance novelist, but I like her witty style and the fact she adds some supernatural mystery and mythology in her books), translated in Finnish. I've been trying to find that book for ages, so I was pretty happy and decided to buy it as well on impulse. On the other hand, though, I've been dying to get something new to read. I think I'll go read it someday by that lovely little pond near my house.

On Sunday I was at Ella's graduation party in Laitila.
The weather was lovely and sunny and hot as hell, so I had an excuse to wear my green sundress I bought a couple of years ago from Zara. After we'd scandalized (okay, I think Ella herself did most of the scandalizing) her relatives for a couple of hours, we proceeded to her family's summer cottage at Lukujärvi where we could let our hair down. And get naked. ;p
It was lovely to just hang out there in good company, swim in the warm and clear lake, go to wood-warmed sauna and bathe in that huge wooden tub/jacuzzi thingy by the lake (Samppa was in quite lucky position to be the only guy there among four pretty naked ladies :D), watching the sun set and listening to the diver cry somewhere on the opposite side of the lake.
I could have easily stayed there for another couple of days. Or weeks.
I think I'm definetely more a lake person than a sea person. Which is actually quite weird, but it might have something to do with my fear of very open spaces (I don't remember what's that called, agoraphobia?). But it's also something about lake water that makes everything about you soft; your hair, your skin. Salty brine has quite the opposite effect.

Meh. The Lukujärvi trip made me reminsce last July when I spent long hours just sitting by that lake in Tohmajärvi with my feet dangling in the water, watching the sun set slowly and listening to the cuckoo on the opposite side of the lake. It also stirred that odd longing in me again.
I now know that the place I'm looking for is not in Tohmajärvi or anywhere near, but there I was closer to it than in here. For some reason I think I... have to go back to Kuopio. O_o
But then again, didn't I swear I would return when I left last time? *chuckle*

Anyway, here's to Finnish summer:

( Nocturne )