The Howling

Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.

I feel like there's so much less in my life nowadays. It's mostly my own fault, I suppose, I've given a lot up. But I miss those things.

I miss playing Werewolf: The Apocalypse. I was really fond of Maarit and the Windwalkers pack. I'm really sorry I let Aarne & co. down. I never wanted to become that kind of girlfriend (even though that's not really the whole explanation).
I miss Qigong. I really enjoyed it, and should at least practice it on my own.
I kind of miss my Nightwish fandom, even though it hasn't really been my scene in a year or so anymore. But I miss the people. I just can't handle the drama and responsibility on the forum any longer, and... I'm just not really a fan anymore.

I miss Call of Cthulhu. I miss those long walks and debates with Samuel (where are you, man?). I miss watching movies at Mervi's place and her cats (she lives in Romania now, life's funny sometimes). I miss Whisky Bar and its awesome jukebox. I miss babysitting Tommi and Knaapi when they're being drunken idiots. I miss larping the way it still was four or five years ago.

Hell, I miss having a social life of my own. This place is constantly full of people, but it just makes me feel more lonely because mostly I just feel like I'm in the way. "Oh sorry, don't mind me, I just live here.". One of the main reasons why I spend so much time at Tampere nowadays is because I barely feel like this is my home at all anymore.
And yeah, I have a boyfriend now, but I don't want him to be my entire social life. I really DON'T want to be that kind of girlfriend. *faint panicked look of a cornered animal*

Call me, poke me on Facebook, send me a message in a bottle. Ask me out for a drink, to movies, to the park or riverside to eat ice cream. I can't promise 100% to be in Turku, but if I am I promise I'll come.
I'm already looking forward to Teinigoottipiknik, thank you Venla. <3

(Oh dear God this track gives me chills. ;__; <3)

 Alright. Since shadow_wolfess is coming over tomorrow and staying till Sunday and we're spending the whole next week in the backwoods of Laitila, this is probably my last chance to make an entry before 2009.

Christmas went well enough. Rice porridge, gingerbread cookies and Love, Actually with mum. And my older brother Johannes being a mopey arse, as usual.
I got some pretty nice presents as well, the best was probably a printed copy of the Proclamation of the Irish Republic in gorgeous frames. <3 Now I can experience weird fits of patriotic pride every time I look at it. *chuckle*

Anyways, meme tiem nao:

( 2008 )
See you next year, kittens. <3

Okay, first things first:

( 100 Things To Do )

Anyway... Ouch.
I've been having an annoying flu for the last week or so, and the weekend really didn't help.
I probably strained myself too much by dancing etc. and my shoulders and neck are still a sore mash thanks to a certain Airaksinen's massaging methods. :p But well, I had a good time and I'm glad Ville (Janina's Ville, not Knaapi this time) was happy with his Birthday party. :)
I do worry a bit about some people, but I suppose I just have to remind myself that they're grown-up and capable of taking responsibility of their own actions. :/ I just hope any unnecessary drama will be avoided.

Me and The Fox have settled for a some kind of odd affectionate alliance, which is good. Future will bring enough unavoidable commitments anyway. *sigh* I still don't like it, but as I've said before, it won't go away if you close your eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.

Next weekend to Helsinki, then. I'm still unsure about the Christmas party on Friday, but I just bought tickets for me and Ella for the Raskasta Joulua gig at Tavastia on Saturday. It's the open-for-all-ages one starting at 6 PM, but it leaves us a possibility to attend the Graveyard Party at Gloria after it. We'll see...

Bleuh, I'm ill again. Fuckin' fantastic.

Remember when I told you about the pickpocketing incident in Dublin? Well, today when I got home I found a small brown envelope bearing the harp of Ireland and Dublin stamps (they'd written my address wrong, though :p). Inside was an official letter signed by the Superintendent of the Pearse Street Garda Station concerning said incident. I guess it was just a routine thing, letting me know that "progress has been made in this investigation and a person has been made amenable" etc. But it also said that I "may be required to attend court, if this happens you will be contacted and given the appropriate information and support". Now that would be an interesting excuse to go back to Ireland. :D
Got to give those guys respect again, they seem to be doing pretty effective work. \,,/

---

Anyways, I did some town-hopping over the weekend, main destination being Jyväskylä in order to offer some support and solace to one of the recent victims of this so-called "Breakup Season". We also bonded a bit more, which was lovely. :)
Because the public traffic between Turku and Tampere is fucked-up, I had to hang around in Tampere for two hours waiting for the train to leave. But it was okay, I just padded (I was forced to walk barefoot because my Docs are killing my feet) over to O'Connell's (my second Irish pub within three hours and 150 kms :D) where I predictably found Perttu and Sandi. So I hung out with the boys for two hours, drinking my second lonkero within three hours and 150 kms (I'm such a drunkard nowadays :D) and feeling very much at home. I'm so peeved that there are no decent Irish pubs in Turku. There's The Castle alright, but a) the age limit is bloody 24 b) no self-respecting Irishman/-woman would name their pub "The Castle" anyway. :p

---

On a completely unrelated note, I've just rediscovered my love for Farscape. Frell, it was some awesome dren. ;p
And when I earlier said how I rarely root for the canon OTP? Well, I apparently had forgotten that Aeryn and John pretty much blow every other pairing in the history (of television, at least) out of water.
Main part of it must be the absolutely amazing chemistry between Ben Browder and Claudia Black, how completely natural they are around each other and how well they play together. Whenever they share a frame, the screen all but melts. They could be sitting there crocheting or something and it would be exciting simply because they'd be there together.
But homage must also be paid to the writers of the show for their unusual romance that never in the course of four seasons and a mini-series became boring. And they didn't even have to add any love triangles (well, not in the traditional sense anyway...) there to spice things up.

One of the things that made the Farscape romances and friendships feel so realistic was the fact that the characters touched each other regularly, the casual way couples and friends and family members normally do. I guess it also tells something about the comfort level the cast had amongst themselves, because usually it shows on screen if the actors aren't entirely comfortable around each other.
And Ben and Claudia, they're entirely in a league of their own, they can't keep their paws off each other even off-screen! Not in particularly sexual way, mind, both are happily married to other people, but a good example was this Q&A session in some sci-fi convention where they first greeted each other with a funny little friend-kiss as a homage to their characters' passionate relationship after which Ben proceeded to drag his chair and microphone right next to Claudia's, and during the whole session you didn't even need to hear them say that, you could see from their body language (leaning towards each other in their chairs, Ben -upon noticing it kept falling on her eyes- pausing mid-sentence to affectionately brush Claudia's hair off her face etc.) they are close.
They acted like really close siblings or childhood friends or old marrieds. It was such a blessing to watch. :) Here's the first part in case someone's interested.

But as a conclusion: go watch Farscape, it's frelling awesome. \,,/

Betsy went and blew her brains out with a hunting rifle.

And I can't believe I'm actually bleary-eyed for crying over a fictional character's death.
Oh well, maybe it isn't that surprising. I seem to cry about everything and anything lately, plus she was probably my favourite out of all of my RPG chars. Lesson learned: do not grow overly attached to your Call of Cthulhu characters. They will end up dying a horrible and gruesome death (or alternatively going permanently insane) at some point anyway.

R.I.P.
Lady Elizabeth Henriette Sophie Fitzwilliam DuBois, Baroness of Montereau
26.09.1894 - 14.09.1920

I had a feeling she would die, but it doesn't make it suck any less. Especially as she decided to flip only after we'd kicked the demonic entity's ass. And she also was a quite valuable asset to the group, I think. She could shoot, she knew history, she was still quite sane and she could connect with spirits.
Ah well, as I said: this is Cthulhu. *sigh*
It also sucks that I'm now naturally out of the campaign and therefore will probably see everyone less in future. Meh.

And I'm being all emo again. Sorry.
First time I even bother to log in in weeks and all I do is whining about something irrelevant.
Get a grip, woman.

( 'Call of Narayana, the seven-headed one... Lemuria, rise!' )

Isn't it funny how sometimes there are people you meet and just immediately like, and feel like you've known them for ages? I think I have a new friend, and it makes me really happy.
But the thing is, that person is the most unexpected friend I'd ever thought I'd have.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My life, after all, is apparently doomed to be full of strange occurences and "coincidences". *wry smile*

Hmh, to Tavastia tomorrow (Wednesday).
It will undoubtedly be interesting experience, for more than one reason. Not only because the band itself has changed, but also because my own view on them has changed. I no longer can be just a happy, carefree fangirl, which is quite sad. Sometimes ignorance indeed is bliss.
And this isn't to say that I have learned some horrible truth about them or something, no. It's just... the whole thing has become such an unavoidable part of my life that I can't get rid of it just like that even if I wanted to. A duty, even.

Ah well, I should probably go to sleep. Busy day tomorrow.
I have to do laundry, send some e-mails, run some errands like getting myself a new student card, go to school, panic about Wednesday (as I always panic about everything) and also try to find time to study the Forgotten Realms books I borrowed from Jupe and Aarne and for my forthcoming campaign. (Me GMing an RPG campaign, can you imagine? But apparently people want me to, so I guess it's worth a try.)

Ow, my feet.
Remind me to wear comfortable and practical shoes the next time I decide to randomly walk through half the city.

But despite my poor aching limbs, I had a great time tonight.
For starters I finally managed to join the Call of Cthulhu campaign and it was really fun despite my occasional freezing and stuttering because I don't quite know how to play Betsy (heh, I almost wrote "Lizzie" because I'm so accustomed to call all Elizabeths that) yet.
But I think it went pretty well, awkward silences and all. Tommi is a good GM, I've missed challenging and atmospheric RPGs. I'll still miss the Forgotten Realms campaign, though, now that mine and Samuel's school puts it effectively in ice again. We were just about to get into Murann and Ishra and Kieran had had their nice little bonding moment in the outskirts of the elf woods of Suldanessallar, meh.

Anyways, afterwards we left Venla to sleep at Tommi's and headed to Dante's Corner where we stayed until it closed at midnight. Tommi went back home to sleep, taking our guest star Timo with him, but the rest of us didn't want the night to be over yet so we proceeded to Bristol.
There we had some really interesting discussions and debates, like faith vs. science and sense vs. sensibility. Funnily enough I was in the Camp Rational with Samuel "against" the Camp Emotional formed by Ella and Mervi. The main difference is, I guess, that me and Samuel want answers to the mysteries of the universe while Ella and Mervi are content with the world as it is. They don't need to know how things work (like Samuel), or why they work like they do (like me).

It was really a discussion we all would have happily continued, but Mervi's ride came to fetch her home and Ella went too. I could have gone with Ella to crash at her place (my last bus had gone ages ago), but I decided to stay with Samppa and we started wandering aimlessly around while continuing from where we left off in the bar.
We followed the riverbank upriver, passing some positively Where The Wild Roses Grow-esque places, and before we even realized, we were almost in Halinen. Then we walked almost to Runosmäki and then back to Aninkaistensilta where we parted and I walked back home to Runosmäki.

I have to say that walking home alone through dark woods with only heat lightnings and a pale, misty moon as sources of light is quite an interesting experience after playing Cthulhu. *chuckle*
But I could at least be pretty sure it was only my imagination running wild that made me flinch at every tiny sound and moving shadow, unlike earlier when we had walked past some random bushes. I'd suddenly had a strong, completely irrational and unexplainable chilling feeling that made me glance around skittishly. I mentioned it to Samuel and he admitted he had felt the same way. Very interesting, I say... And also very creepy, as the last time I remember feeling like that resulted in me, Ella and Aki running for our lives out of the castle grounds three years ago. *wry smile*

*yawn* Once again I had a lot more to write about, having been computerless for three weeks and all, but it's 6 AM already so I'd better go to sleep. First schoolday after all.

The summer managed to take me by surprise again. Finnish summer is good at sneaking on you like that.

Maybe that's the reason why I've been spending money like crazy lately.
First I ordered The Mists of Avalon DVD from CDON (about 13€), then I bought tickets for me and Ella (as a graduation present) to the Turku gig of Nightwish in December (87,65€ including shipping costs) and today I spent 60€ to books.

I was in Akateeminen when I noticed some brilliant person had finally decided to translate the first part of the Young Jack Sparrow series in Finnish, and the book version of At World's End (which is a lot more elaborate than the two previous ones) as well.
I don't really know why I bought the latter because I still like AWE the least of the three, but at least it has some scenes that were cut from the film, like that exchange between Jack and Becks about their shared past.
The translation of both is luckily quite good (although "Aye" doesn't bloody translate as "Ohoi". That's "Ahoy". And in Tia's case the word "mystic" is a noun, not an adjective.), but I'd still have rather bought them in English if it had been possible because especially with the YJS book I have to use some imagination to hear Jack's "voice" in my head. Ah well, at least it's not only in bloody Swedish anymore.
I was already about to leave when I spotted an interesting-looking book in the "New books" shelf. It was Morrigan's Cross by Nora Roberts (yes, I know she's a romance novelist, but I like her witty style and the fact she adds some supernatural mystery and mythology in her books), translated in Finnish. I've been trying to find that book for ages, so I was pretty happy and decided to buy it as well on impulse. On the other hand, though, I've been dying to get something new to read. I think I'll go read it someday by that lovely little pond near my house.

On Sunday I was at Ella's graduation party in Laitila.
The weather was lovely and sunny and hot as hell, so I had an excuse to wear my green sundress I bought a couple of years ago from Zara. After we'd scandalized (okay, I think Ella herself did most of the scandalizing) her relatives for a couple of hours, we proceeded to her family's summer cottage at Lukujärvi where we could let our hair down. And get naked. ;p
It was lovely to just hang out there in good company, swim in the warm and clear lake, go to wood-warmed sauna and bathe in that huge wooden tub/jacuzzi thingy by the lake (Samppa was in quite lucky position to be the only guy there among four pretty naked ladies :D), watching the sun set and listening to the diver cry somewhere on the opposite side of the lake.
I could have easily stayed there for another couple of days. Or weeks.
I think I'm definetely more a lake person than a sea person. Which is actually quite weird, but it might have something to do with my fear of very open spaces (I don't remember what's that called, agoraphobia?). But it's also something about lake water that makes everything about you soft; your hair, your skin. Salty brine has quite the opposite effect.

Meh. The Lukujärvi trip made me reminsce last July when I spent long hours just sitting by that lake in Tohmajärvi with my feet dangling in the water, watching the sun set slowly and listening to the cuckoo on the opposite side of the lake. It also stirred that odd longing in me again.
I now know that the place I'm looking for is not in Tohmajärvi or anywhere near, but there I was closer to it than in here. For some reason I think I... have to go back to Kuopio. O_o
But then again, didn't I swear I would return when I left last time? *chuckle*

Anyway, here's to Finnish summer:

( Nocturne )

Hmm. I wonder what is wrong with me nowadays.
Recently I've noticed that my so-called interactive home, the Nightwish forum, has started to annoy me for some reason. Or actually it's not the forum itself, it's more like I've had some sort of strange epiphany, like I'm getting tired of the whole thing and need a change.
However, it affects my behaviour on the forum and I'm afraid I'm coming across as a snappish, arrogant bitch who thinks too highly of herself.
Not good, especially because I'm supposed to be a soddin' moderator. *sigh*

Meh. I think I really need to turn a fresh, blank page in my life.
First step, I think, would be getting a damn life in the first place. This aimless drifting and living through fiction is really starting to bother me.
Last time I did something social or even showed by nose outside of my flat for more than an hour was last weekend when Aki unexpectedly called to let me know he's in town and ask me to hang out with him and some other drunken metalheads.
Hanging out with said drunkend metalheads is always somewhat hazardous leisure time (when a troll goes to berserk mode, it's not a pretty sight), but it was good to see Aki again after a long time. He's a good guy (albeit a bit macho) and it was quite funny how natural and un-awkward I felt hanging out with him even though we hadn't seen each other in ages.
Guess certain shared experiences can make people bonded for life. *chuckle*

I also went home for the Mothers' Day and it was actually really nice as I can't remember the last time I've had so much fun with my brothers, joking and laughing over dinner. I guess Johannes doesn't hate me anymore, that much at least. *wry smile*

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet Tommi. That's something at least.
I wonder what's the occasion.

(And yes, I'm utterly and completely addicted to this track. 'Tis a masterpiece.)