"...it's better this way."

[darnaguen]

We've lived apart for a week now, though we've been officially broken up for more than a month.

And this, I suppose, is the part where it starts to really sink in. Not surprising, considering we pretty much kept acting like a couple while we still lived under the same roof.

But yeah. I miss him.

As a romance we were pretty much a disaster from the beginning. We just never could click on that elusive level necessary for a romantic relationship to truly work, I guess, or were just fundamentally different enough in views and goals and ways to communicate. But while it's clear we're better off apart, it was five years' worth of valuable lessons for both of us, and in a way we were really good together too.

So yeah, I miss him. I miss his smell. His weird babblings. Curling up against him at night, or when watching tv-shows on the bed or the couch. The sound of the coffeemaker. Watching him play Skyrim or Tomb Raider and offering comments or advice, and talking about video games in bed before falling asleep. The Chinese food he cooked (fat chance of me bothering to cook for myself) and taught me to appreciate. The sound of him watching Top Gear in the other room. Him calling me "kultapallo" exasperatedly. Just... him.

I mean, I haven't lost him or anything, he's still in my life and lives a block away and our breakup was pretty damn easy and friendly, so far at least.
But it's just different now and I have to get used to the new rules, and that's confusing (first breakup at 27, fuck yeah). I must admit I kinda hoped we might maintain a more casual relationship, still seeing each other and visiting each other to watch movies and stuff and cooking together etc.. But he might want to take a little distance, and I understand that, really. So I must suck it up and learn to be on my own. I really don't want to be some clingy ex stereotype. :p
But loneliness is s tough bite to chew for a pack animal, so to speak.

(This has also made me ponder on some deep shit about relationships in general, about whether I'm even capable of a so-called normal romantic relationships. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, and "normal" courtship rituals just baffle me, and my views of an ideal relationship are probably a little unconventional. So... foreveralone.gif :p)

Comments

[windelmon.livejournal.com]

Know that feel. *hugs*

It'll get easier.. but only with time :/

[darnaguen.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I know.

Thank you.

[joakimb.livejournal.com]

Know that feel as well. It does come after every breakup in some form.

And as Antti said, time does help in this. Suckyness is best helped with doing stuff you love to do. There will be times of tears and pain, but they are unfortunately necessary. And ponder that deep shit.

Remember that you are surrounded by great people who can help you, when needed.

[suomigoth.livejournal.com]

These feelings of sorry and melancholy are first of all, natural - you just lost your best friend - and it also means that those five years weren't wasted. Still, after being in somebody's life for such a time and being such a valuable part of it, the change from that to being alone is hard. Even if the breakup was decided on good terms.

It will get better, like everyone said. Don't try to surpress these feelings though. It's part of the mourning.

As to the forever alone: Even if your views on an ideal relationship are unconventional, that doesn't mean there's someone out there who doesn't share them.
I do hope for you that you will at one point in the future experience real love though. I used to not believe myself capable of it either, but yeah...

'Till then, love that little feline beauty you have to share your kingdom with :)

[grindwyn.livejournal.com]

Know that feel too. Not that it'd make it any easier to handle though... As suomigoth said, let the feelings come as they are. Things will get better.

Hugs!