The Howling

 I've spent the last three days at home on sick leave (well, on Monday I worked for three hours before I had to give up).
It's a welcome (and currently much needed) break even though I've really started to enjoy my job, but I can't help feeling guilty so I can't really relax.

And what's wrong with me? I don't really know. I've suspected for a while now everything isn't quite right with me physically, but a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to run some errands, taking my time putting on make-up and all, when I suddenly felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest right above my left breast. At first I wasn't worried, that kind of stuff probably happens occasionally to everyone. But those stabs kept on coming and I started to get scared. So I called 112 and got visited by some nice paramedics. They didn't discover anything life-threatening but told me to get the day off anyway and go see a nurse. The nurse suspected gallstones and booked me a doctor's appointment just in case, advising me to watch what I eat a bit.

The next two weeks went by quite normally, with only some discomfort , occasional random "stabs" in my torso and a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right in my abdomen.
I went to see the doctor on Friday and had blood tests and ECG taken. Her initial suspicion was that there's something wrong with my diaphragm, which would explain as all the worst stuff is focused on the left side and the "stabs" are often worse when I inhale. I'll only get the test results tomorrow so I went to work on Monday despite having been in a lot of pain over the weekend, but like I said, I lasted only three hours before I started having difficulty breathing because of the pain.

Now, I suffer from anxiety disorder so it was probably just that, the pain and stress at not knowing what's going on having triggered it. But it has effectively rendered me unable to work, which really sucks. I know, it's not my fault and I'm not just shirking my duties. But... gah. We really need every cent we can get at the moment, and I'm not paid for the days I'm not working. So, as they say in the army... SNAFU. :p
I'm just so tired all the time now, and just want to know what's wrong with me so I can deal with it and move on. *sigh*

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Okay, to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer, there HAS been something positive lately as well.

1.) As I said, I think I'm starting to figure things out at the bookstore. The bosses have started to trust me more and give me more responsibility. Now if I only can sort these health problems out, I think I may have a chance at getting a real part-time job there. So yay. :)

2.) I finally got around to watching North & South (BBC 2004) completely. I'd seen a part or two of it years ago when they showed it on telly, but my memories were really fuzzy. Anyway, to those of you who don't know: it''s a four-part miniseries based on the book by Elizabeth Gaskell. Its premise is similar to Pride & Prejudice with all the pride and prejudice and misunderstandings before the lovers finally get together, but it's also a hella lot darker and grittier. The setting is mostly a smoky industrial town in Northern England in the 1850s, so the Austenian Regency lightness is absent. People also get beaten up and killed and whatnot left and right.
But the leads Richard Armitage (as John Thornton) and Daniela Denby-Ashe (as Margaret Hale) are really gorgeous and amazing and have a delicious BST going on. Here, have a look:



(that's gotta be the raciest Victorian handshake between people who claim to kinda dislike each other EVER :D)

And I'm not even going to talk about the ending because you have to see it for yourself. But if you want to discuss it in the comments, you are very welcome. ;)
I can't say this about many men, but Richard Armitage does funny things to my heart. *swoon* If/when someone ever deides to film Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, I will cry foul if anyone else is chosen to play the Raven King John Uskglass.

But anyway, if you haven't yet watched it and generally like pretty period dramas etc., do watch it. It also has a really pretty score. <3

3.) I ordered the first one of the Being Human tie-in novels from work and it was awesome. There were minor glitches like Mitchell snagging blood bags to snack on from the hospital and George being Annie's go-to guy when she needs comfort (okay, it does make more sense in the timeline of the second series), but otherwise the atmosphere was really authentic and it was great to have that little extra glimpse into their lives, with all the darkness and sweetness, humor and tragedy the show has. The three books form a single storyline despite having separate settings so of course I immediately had to order the next two as well. :D

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Okay, I guess that was it for now. Next time I'll answer your questions, liduen_loivissa . :)
Just one more thing before I go, just because this song is amazing. Spoiler alert, though:

Today is not a good day.

In fact, that statement applies to far too many days recently, which is the main reason to the long radio silence lately. I'm sorry about that.
You see, I started an internship/practical training at our local music library about a month ago. Shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, unfortunately it was. It's not the job itself, as shelving books, CDs and sheet music and occasionally pointing someone to the right direction is one of the easiest jobs there is, and the atmosphere is pretty relaxed. It's just... for some reason I apparently had forgotten about my SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder, that is) during the year I spent on sick leave, or somehow assumed it wouldn't be a problem. And well, in a way I was right to assume that because I don't think it has ever been this bad before. This time I've actually often had full-on panic/anxiety attacks. One day I actually blacked out for a moment for hyperventilating so much. *chuckle*
Thank goodness I managed to break the vicious circle of not being able to go to work -> getting even more anxious and told my boss about it and she cut down my work hours, and also went to see a doctor and got some meds. And it is better now, I'm calmer and have managed to go to work and actually stay there most of the time, but naturally there is no miracle drug for a problem like this.

Which leads me to why today is not a good day: like I said, I got some prescripted meds, and as you might know, sedatives, antidepressants and such usually have some not-so-nice side effects at first. Mine are among other things supposed to help me sleep better and without any nightmares, but the downside is that I may also oversleep and be dizzy and nauseous when I wake up. Doesn't exactly help me be at work on time, even though I only have to be there at 2 PM. Of course it's also partially my fault because I haven't remembered to take the meds early enough in the evening.

And today? As usual, I slept too long, and when Tommi tried to nicely wake me up, I just growled something not very polite at him and kept sleeping as I wasn't feeling too good. It's only natural that he got upset, and I can understand very well that I'm not the easiest person to live with right now. *sigh* But anyway... Even though I was already late, I got up and started getting ready to go to work anyway, all the while Tommi was sulking around and practically projecting stormclouds from his forehead. I apologized for being a bitch and explained, but it didn't seem to soften him much. And one thing that is guaranteed to make me crumble: people I care about being mad at me. So yeah, bye bye being responsible and going to work. *sigh* And now I'm sitting here hating myself and fighting anxiety nausea. Yay.

We're also supposed to drive to Lappeenranta to a Halloween party tonight with some friends, which isn't exactly easing my mind because I know people will be bitching about the late hour we can finally start the journey (and even later hour we'll finally be there since the journey takes 5-6 hours). Well, I'm sorry, but Tommi has to be at work till 9.30 PM. Sometimes people have to work, you know.
And besides, the original plan was to leave on Saturday morning, which I still think would have been the smartest choice. But nevermind. *rolls eyes*
It's also my birthday tomorrow, and I must say I don't have very high hopes about having a great birthday since everyone else - being typical Finns - will probably be drunk off their asses, which is something I'm not really into even if I wasn't on those meds. :/

That reminded me that I have to go shop mine and Tommi's food for the weekend. Well, at least then I won't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

So, bye for now. I will really try to update more often in future, and actually write non-whiny entries. :p

Happy Halloween, kittens. <3

edit: This song was probably the best possible choice to cheer me up right now, so thanks Last.fm:

Hum. Työt alkoivat ihan hyvin mitä nyt on tavallaan vähän sellainen olo kun olisi palannut yläasteen käsityöntunneille (*brr!*)kun joukko mimmejä höpöttää kaikenlaista naismaista, Jutta etunenässä. *hymähtää*
Tänään meinasin pyörtyä pari kertaa töissä kun olen tämän flunssan ja vaikka minkä vuoksi vähän huonossa hapessa mutta kestin kuitenkin koko päivän kun se kuitenkin on vain se neljä tuntia miinus puolen tunnin ruokatauko jolloin voi käväistä kotona.
Ja opinpa jotain uutta, nimittäin rakentelemaan lahjapakkauksia ja käyttämään liimapyssyä. Yay.
Harmi vain ettei Veeraa näkynyt, oli pikkuisen ulkopuolinen olo vaikka Jutta nyt on tuttu entuudestaan ja muutkin ovat ihan kivoja.

Unirytmini kyllä on ihan sekaisin taas.
Tiistaina ehdin nukkua neljä tuntia kun piti olla yhdeltä kaupungilla kun menimme Ellan ja Tommin kanssa Liekehtivää Pikaria katsomaan (siitä lisää mahdollisesti myöhemmin) ja sen ja tämän flunssan seurauksena uuvuinkin sitten jo kymmenen jälkeen illalla ja heräsinkin sitten jo ennen kuutta. No, ehdinpähän ainakin mainiosti töihin ekana päivänä.
Eilen meni vähän myöhempään, menin nukkumaan yhden maissa ja heräsin taas kohtalaisen ajoissa. Mutta vaikka nukuinkin kaiketi ihan riittävästi olin tosiaan sen verran kuollut että tuli tuossa päivällä kuukahdettua sohvalle pariksi tunniksi.
Ja siitä päästäänkin siihen miksi olen yhä valveilla. *huokaus*

Toivottavasti olen huomenna jo siinä kunnossa että voin lähteä kaupungillekin, kun pitää mennä isää tapaamaan, hakemaan saapas suuutarista ja käydä vähän katselemassa josko peräti löytäisin jotain kivaa ja lähestulkoon olemattomalle budjetilleni sopivaa joululahjaideaa noille rakkaille otuksilleni.

Olen muuten löytänyt Finntrollin ihan toden teolla. Mieletöntä musiikkia.
Pitää hankkia ainakin Visor Om Slutet heti kun saan ekan "palkkani". Siinäpä peikkotunnelmaa aidoimmillaan mikäli minä mistään mitään olen ymmärtänyt. R.I.P Somnium. *kumoaa kuvitteellisen sahtituopin tuon liian varhain Valhallaan (tai jonnekin) lähteneen peikkoveikkosen muistoksi*

Ja voi luoja joku on nero, oli se sitten Tuomas Holopainen, Pip Williams tai molemmat...
Tämä Creek Mary's Bloodin orkestraaliversio on vain jotain niin käsittämättömän täydellistä. *kylmiä väreitä*

Mutta joo, voisi yrittää tämän jälkeen mennä saamaan unta.