The Howling

My apologies for a) making a lyric entry b) posting these lyrics for the second time already. But they really describe my thoughts and feelings at the moment better than anything I could come up with myself.

Oh, here you are,
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down,
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want,
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down,
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down,
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own...

Plus: For a while now I've had a very ugly feeling that the time is really starting to run out and right now it's making me so anxious I can barely breathe, let alone function normally. *stares at her trembling hands*

Maybe next time I can write some kind of decent update about my life lately. *sigh*

I've had this song playing in my head the whole day. And well, I guess it's strangely appropriate.

I'm no Barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes

And I am not as pretty
As those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core
If they're to be believed

So what if I'm no baby bird
Hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses
That rises out of mud

Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?

You're not some baby boy
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules
Well, I'm sick of all your lies

Now I've held back a wealth of shit,
I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows
With the words stuck in my throat

Does it really come as a surprise
When I tell you I don't feel good?
Nothing ever came from nothing, man
Oh man, ain't that the truth

Why do you love me? etc...

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but I think that I'm right
And you've still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
Do it again
Do it again
Do it again

Why do you love me? etc...

Hm. I think ihasatardis is basically the only thing keeping me at least in relatively good spirits at the moment. I should probably be concerned. :p

Betsy went and blew her brains out with a hunting rifle.

And I can't believe I'm actually bleary-eyed for crying over a fictional character's death.
Oh well, maybe it isn't that surprising. I seem to cry about everything and anything lately, plus she was probably my favourite out of all of my RPG chars. Lesson learned: do not grow overly attached to your Call of Cthulhu characters. They will end up dying a horrible and gruesome death (or alternatively going permanently insane) at some point anyway.

R.I.P.
Lady Elizabeth Henriette Sophie Fitzwilliam DuBois, Baroness of Montereau
26.09.1894 - 14.09.1920

I had a feeling she would die, but it doesn't make it suck any less. Especially as she decided to flip only after we'd kicked the demonic entity's ass. And she also was a quite valuable asset to the group, I think. She could shoot, she knew history, she was still quite sane and she could connect with spirits.
Ah well, as I said: this is Cthulhu. *sigh*
It also sucks that I'm now naturally out of the campaign and therefore will probably see everyone less in future. Meh.

And I'm being all emo again. Sorry.
First time I even bother to log in in weeks and all I do is whining about something irrelevant.
Get a grip, woman.

( 'Call of Narayana, the seven-headed one... Lemuria, rise!' )

I've really started to wonder why songs about the 1916 Easter Rising in Ireland are always making me cry. Sure, The Foggy Dew and Down By the Glenside are beautiful and touching tunes, but still...

I do not generally support bloodshed, even if it was in the name of liberty.
Nor am I a Republican or a nationalist of any kind. If I hear songs or tales about the Finnish War of Independence (or alternatively, Civil War or The Great Mindless Bloodbath), I'm mostly thinking something like "Bloody stupid idiots" or "I'm supposed to care?". So I couldn't give a damn about Mannerheim & co., but if I hear a song about Pádraig Pearse and his Fenians, I'm bawling like a baby? Odd.

I should probably watch that The Wind That Shakes the Barley someday to get a better picture about that whole era and see if my opinion about the Irish War of Independence and the Civil War is really any different than my opinion of the Finnish ones. Somehow I doubt it. Bloody Sunday's (both of them, really) nothing to be proud of, after all. IRA be damned.

But... If you'll allow me to venture into the realm of mystical mumbo-jumbo again for a moment...
If I think about that dream-vision-thingy I've had for I don't even know how long, the one with the young woman standing on a moor by the stormy sea (in moonlight, no less), clearly mourning but also determined, I suppose the imagery fits the beginning of the 1900s... (But then again I've always thought it's somewhere in Western Ireland, maybe in Connacht or somewhere near Clare in Munster, judging by the steep cliffs.)
Ah well, who knows... Maybe some past incarnation of me did live in Ireland circa 1916, or maybe earlier. Maybe not at all and I'm just imagining things. But it would kinda explain a lot.

Or maybe it's just the magic of the Irish music, as those people can sing about anything and make it the most heart-wrenching song ever. But strangely enough it's still this verse of The Foggy Dew that usually makes me cry the most:

"Twas Britannia bade our Wild Geese go, that "small nations might be free";
Their lonely graves are by Suvla's waves or the fringe of the great North Sea.
Oh, had they died by Pearse's side or fought with Cathal Brugha
Their graves we'd keep where the Fenians sleep, 'neath the shroud of the foggy dew."

And these as well:

"Oh the bravest fell, and the Requiem bell rang mournfully and clear
For those who died that Eastertide in the spring time of the year.
And the world did gaze, in deep amaze, at those fearless men, but few,
Who bore the fight that freedom's light might shine through the foggy dew.

As back through the glen I rode again and my heart with grief was sore
For I parted then with valiant men whom I never shall see more.
But to and fro in my dreams I go and I kneel and pray for you,
For slavery fled, O glorious dead, when you fell in the foggy dew."

As I said: odd. *shakes head and wipes tears*

Fuck. I hate arguing with Ella.
Okay, not arguing but rather disagreeing, but nevertheless it always makes me feel horrible.
It's completely normal that we disagree about certain things because after all we are quite different, and I do understand her viewpoint. But still. I hate to see my little troll princess upset, especially when I've helped to cause it.
I'm also worried about her as it is, and it feels in me as an uncomfortable weight I can't just shrug off.  And there's nothing I can do to help. I hate it.
And I hate that I have to feel physically horrible every time someone dear to me is feeling miserable.

Could someone please take away my ability to feel everything so bloody strongly?
It's choking me.

She will find her place and purpose in this world eventually, I know it.
But will I? I'm not so sure about that. I'm too bloody stubborn and proud and unwilling to adjust myself to what others and the society expect of me.
No one will put me in chains, ever. No one.

One thing is for certain: Hevillä ei hävitä.
Not in Finland anyway.

So yes, Ari Koivunen, a lanky, long-haired heavy metal singer won the Finnish Idols.
Tonight he managed to make the judges tear up with a heart-wrenching version of Still Loving You by Scorpions, give me chills with Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun and perform a very decent cover of Sonata's FullMoon.
Anna wasn't really that bad either, I really liked that Portuguese song of hers, it felt very natural and smooth. But as Jone said, she's not Alicia Keys and definetely not Joan Jett.
Ari on the other hand, again quoting Mr. Jone Nikula, could any day replace even Bruce Dickinson vocals-wise at least. \,,/

routaneito dropped by to see the first gig of the Finnish tour of Finntroll.
Too bad Wednesday was apparently The Day of Misfortune and among other not-so-good things we managed to miss the first 20 minutes of the gig, which was pretty much half of the set.
'Twas a great gig though, even though Beast's drums broke soon after we arrived and they had to improvise while the roadies tried to fix the problem. Virta played some Säkkijärven polkka (which naturally made me and Ella show 'em how to polka) and then we heard a very interesting techno version of Trollhammaren. *grin*
Fortune among misfortune was that they played all my favourites only after we arrived, at least Svartberg, Det Iskalla Trollblod, Fiskarens Fiende, good ol' Försvinn Du Som Lyser (Hail Somnium! \,,/) and the brand new, absolutely amazing and absolutely hilarious En Mäktig Här.
It was also good that this time they were donning their troll-gear and warpaint (even though Skrymer was uncharateristically boring and played with his shirt on). Routa is so cool, the guy's hair is to die for. <3 And I want my own Tundra as a pet, a furry little thing peering at you from beneath his wild, curly black mass of hair and looking like he might any minute attack your leg and start gnawing on your ankle. :D Vreth also proved that he's able to lead the troll horde (at least in live situation) even though he's a lanky prettyboy.
There's nothing lanky nor pretty about his voice, though. The lad screeches and growls like the best of them, sounding more like good ol' Katla than our darling Rivfader Wilska.

Katla was there, by the way, unless I'm completely mistaken. He was skulking around after the gig and hanging with the guys. It's funny, the moment I first saw the guy I immediately thought there was something special about him, this pretty smartly dressed somewhat short fellow with long wavy mid-brown hair, sweet-natured looking face and kind of amiable aura about him. I had no idea who he was at first but then something in my head told me: "Katla." I can't be 100% sure of it, tho', because I'm not that familiar with Katla's looks. Interesting anyway. *shrug*
Suvi also got to hug Vreth, poor guy is too pretty for his own good. :D And Ella met again her goddess Erna aka Enary, the ex-keyboardist of Lordi.

And before Suvi left yesterday, we also met suomigoth and her boyfriend Ville in Shamrock. Sometimes I have moments when I wish I had enough patience and dedication (not to mention money) to dress like she does, she looked so stunning. But I guess I'm happier in my comfy cargo pants, earth tones and combat boots running around in the woods.
That's what I've done a lot lately, by the way, as I have a forest pretty much on my backyard, the Riihikallio trollwood. And Isosuo is only about 1,5 kilometers away from where I live, I'm yet to visit it again though.
Heh, I really felt like "true Ranger" the other night when I roamed the nearby woods. At first a pretty little starling followed me a while by flying from tree to tree beside me, and then a white hare jumped on the path before me. And when I arrived to the part of the forest where I knew was located a pirunpelto ("devil's field", an ancient seashore turned into a field full of huge rocks, you can see some pictures of the pirunpelto in question here), I just followed my instincts and wandered wherever my feet would take me. And lo and behold, I arrived to the pirunpelto. It was pretty impressive sight, especially as the waxing moon was shining brightly in the sky while the setting sun was still shedding its golden light in the horizon.
Then I smelled smoke in the air and followed it until I found the smouldering remnants of a small bonfire from a rocky hillside with a very cool view over the faraway city. And when I walked back home, the only light I had was that of the moon, but it was bright enough for me to not miss a single step and every branch and twig threatening to slam me in the face I dodged instinctively even though I couldn't see them at first. I was quite proud of myself. :p
There's also this place in the nearby woods where I often stop to lay down for a while to do some moonbathing and stargazing whenever I return to home in the evening if the sky is clear.

I'm pretty happy living there, the forest as well as my flat feel like home already.
The only downside is that whenever the sun is shining the flat is hotter than a sauna, I think I need a fan or two for summer. And I still need a couple of rugs, a bookshelf, a bedside table, this machine and an internet connection and I'm a happy girl.

And then some lyrics from a song that has been playing in my head a lot lately:

"Tuota tiiä mie en itsekkään
Minkä tien otan etehen
Juonen juostakseni
Valihen
Tiiä minkä tien otan etehen

---

Korvessa miun kotini
Majani
Marjavarsilla on miun majani

Taiten taivas kirjaeltu
Oikein tehty Otavainen
Miten lie elämä miulla
Miten lie
Elämä miulla mustakulmalla..."

Luin juuri uuden Moonsorrow-albumin lyriikoita pala kurkussa.
En edes tiedä mitä tähän voisi sanoa muuta, kuin... Niin, en tiedä.

Jäästä syntynyt

Auringon kuoleman syntyäkseen
Uusi maailma tarvitsee
Vain pisaran vettä kylmyyteen
Käsillä juoksemaan ihmisten

Varjojen virta

Hiljainen järvi kauas kantaa
Säveltä maiseman pysähtyneen
Lehtikään ei katseen alla liiku
Kylmyys yksin ui pinnan alla

Ja ruumis kaipaa vettä
Se huutaa vapautta
Ei sitä täältä löydy
Ei hetkeen mistään

Kuka eksyneelle tien näyttää
Kun aika kulkee vain loppuaan kohti

Varjojen virta
Kuolemaa kuljettaa
Maa on harmaa
Sydän poissa taas

Tie haarautunut on jossain harhaan
Tässä lumi peittää merkit askelten
Vain värit vaihtuvat katseen alla
Kylmyys yksin yksinäisen rauhoittaa

Ja ruumis kaipaa vettä
Se huutaa vapautta
Vieraassa kaupungissa
Etsien kauneutta

On kaikki pian vailla tarkoitusta
Taivas luonut jo katseensa pois
Askel tuskaan, askel vapauteen
Jos tänne jään, en täältä löydä mitään

Vain varjot kulkevat tästä
Seuraavat toisiaan
Eivät odota ketään

Edessäni näen vuorten sortuvan
Silti hetkeksi nyt jään
Kun tunnen tulvan nousevan

Taittaa kohtalon tahtoisin
Valon nähdä ja kääntyä takaisin

Aina aurinko nousee jossain
Kuiskaa ja tielle osoittaa
Ei enää meri sateena piiskaa
Tuskin siihen havahtuisin

Yksin tuhannen joukossa
Aina jossain muualla
Juuret maasta riistetyt
Kerran elävät, kerran kuolevat

Taittaa kohtalon tahtoisin
Valon nähdä ja kääntyä takaisin
Siksi hetkeksi nyt jään
Kun tunnen tulvan nousevan

Varjojen virta
Kuolemaa kuljettaa
Maa on harmaa
Sydän poissa taas

On kaikki pian vailla tarkoitusta
Taivas luonut jo katseensa pois
Askel tuskaan, askel vapauteen
Jos tänne jään, en täältä löydä mitään.

-----------------------

Musiikki itse ei vielä tunnu sisimmässä repivänä suruna ja kaihona yhtä vahvasti kuin vaikkapa Jotunheim edelliseltä levyltä, mutta ehkä siinä kestää jonkin aikaa. Hävitettyä ei kukaan ole koskaan helposti avautuvaksi levyksi kutsunutkaan. Mutta se on varmaa, että lahjoja Sorvalin suvusta löytyy.
En tosin voi olla miettimättä, mitä ihmettä seuraava (ja mahdollisesti viimeinen?) levy tuo tullessaan. Kivenkantajalta Verisäkeisiin siirryttäessä eksyttiin jo melko synkille saloille ja tiettömille lakeuksille ja nyt jo tunnetaan tulvan nousevan ja katsotaan miten vuoret sortuvat ja maa ajautuu liekkeihin...

(For possible curious non-Finnish speakers, I'm only rambling about the new Moonsorrow album, mainly about the lyrics and their themes. See for yourselves:

( Born of Ice/Stream of Shadows )

Oh, here you are
There's nothing left to say.
You're not supposed to be that way.
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care.
When you take me, I'm not there.
Almost human, but I'll never be the same.

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone.
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.

I never put you down.
I never pushed you away.
You're not supposed to be that way.
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say.

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me.

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone.
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.

I never put you down.
I never pushed you away.
Take another piece of me,
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to grey.

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone.
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own.

On my own...
On my own...

Once again, just felt like it.
And sometimes, every once in a while, I just realize again why I love Goo Goo Dolls.

Oh, and hi, I'm still alive.
Physically anyway.

EDIT: The Tempest by Shakespeare has been popping up a lot tonight while I've been doing some research across the internet, Wikipedia in particular. Strange. Does that mean I should read it? Oh well, I should probably get over my weird anti-Shakespeare attitude anyway and civilize myself a bit...

My last night at home. Tomorrow I will move out from the place where I've lived for 12 years.
Very absurd thought, really. Even though I've known for a long time I'm going to move out soon, it somehow came so suddenly.
I have to leave behind a place that has been a home to me and find a new one for myself.
Home is where the heart is, they say. But where is my heart?

A survey thingy I did in Last.fm said that good advice to me at the moment is this song:

( Walk On )

And perhaps it's right. I CAN do this, take the next step and let go of the past.
In fact now that I think of it, maybe 25 kilometers isn't far enough...

Oh, I know I will miss all this; the river, the masts of the tall ships, the castle towers etc. but maybe a completely fresh start in some entirely different place would do me good. That would REALLY be a start of new life.
So in a way this huge leap I am about to take is in fact only a baby step on the road of change.

Meh. Maybe I should try to sleep the last night I can sleep in my own bed.
If you don't hear about me in few days it's probably because I a) don't have my computer in my dorm room yet b) don't have the internet connection (yet). I'll try to use the school computers to check up though.

Goodnight, me hearties.

Almost a week since I last wrote something.
And, alas, I still can't write anything sensible as much as I'd love to.
I've had wonderful ideas, long elaborate ponderings just waiting to be written down, but... Yeah.
And now I'm sitting at computer, 7.54 AM, acknowledging the fact I'm hopelessly lost in fiction once again. Living through someone else, someone who doesn't even exist in real life.
And just how sad is that?

But at least I'm not thinking of him. Haven't thought of him much in two weeks or so.
And I think it's a good thing, definetely. Though it is a bit strange, to feel so indifferent after having him haunting the edges of my conciousness for almost two years (if not more) now, every single day.
Today (tonight?) happened something that made me thoughtful again, though.
Quite curiously I was told that watching him reminds of me and not the other way around.
It's not me resembling him, it's him resembling me. Strange.
Are we so alike then, after all? I guess I'll never know.
"Peas in a pod, darlin'." *dry chuckle*

And I must be masochistic to listen to this song.
But I guess I deserve it, all those feelings of guilt, sorrow and longing those lines evoke in me.

"En kadu ketään niistä joita syliini suljin,
Heitä sentään rakastin.
Itken kaikkia niitä joiden ohitse kuljin,
Joita väistin ja pakenin.
Sillä aina kun ihmisen lähelle päästin,
Löysin lähelle itsekin.
Mutta jos itseäni varjelin ja säästin,
Heti eksyin ja palelin."