The Howling

Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.

I'm putting this here since I don't have any other place for it right now. Some music for a future larp project.

Fucking fuckety fuck.

If I was anxious and desperate the last time days before the Cloud Islands, this time I just seriously want to give up and only want it to be over already. I know I said it the last time as well, but really, if this succeeds, I'll call it a divine miracle. This whole thing is a big fucking mess.
I still think we should have postponed it, or cancelled it altogether. Because this shit? Is a haphazard work in progress at best.
I'm really sorry that it always seems to be you who suffers of the Cloud Islands curse of lousy luck, grindwyn. *sigh* I really really wanted especially that dynamic to work out, but what the hell can you do when first there's no one to play Birchleaf and then goddamn Santeri has to cancel too so Blackthorn lacks a player as well. Perkele.

It's perhaps not the most exemplary GM behaviour to run off to your boyfriend in Tampere when the stress level becomes too much to handle and I've probably been driving poor Tommi up the wall, but I'm pretty sure that had I gone back to Turku instead on Monday night, I'd be a wreck by now.
But we'll see what tomorrow brings, when I'm back in Turku. *sigh*

WARNING: PotC rant ahead, feel free to skip.

Bloody hell, maybe getting into the PotC fandom was a wrong move because I've become such a shipper that I will probably scream bloody murder and throw waffles at the screen if Will and Elizabeth are going to have another of those sickening happily-ever-after goddamn Disney fairytale endings.
Okay, maybe not a shipper (although have no doubt, I'm a so-called Sparrabether through and through), more like an anti-W/E shipper. Those two are just so... wrong. And uninteresting. And mismatched. And wrong. I'd rather have her end up with James (no, really. Norrie is love <3). Or Gibbs. Or Barbossa. Or Jack the Monkey.
C'mon. He's a whelp. She's a bloody Pirate Queen.
*takes several deep breaths to calm down* Okay, here's to hoping the ending really will be surprising/unpredictable, bittersweet (and not in "Oh, I wub u forevah, Will, my beloved honey-pumpkin, but we can't be together because you're the Captain of the Flying Dutchman so we can only see each other once in 10 years so I'll stay here on some remote island playing a nice little faithful housewife raising our son, William III." way, because that just sucks) and kick-ass.
Ted, Terry, Jerry, Gore. I have faith in you. Please don't let me down.

Okay, rant over. Whew.

---------------------------------------------

That boy is haunting my dreams again. Or still. Why?
He made a cameo again last night. He wasn't really present in the dream but he was mentioned, which is quite weird as the dream was mostly about me and Ella and Valtsu touring with Finntroll for some weird reason. At some point, by the way, I ended up on the stage playing bass and Ella playing keyboards.
As I said, weird. (And no, Suvi, Vreth wasn't there. I only remember Routa and Skrymer and Wilska who was in the audience.)

Hmm, I think I remember something else about that dream as well. It had places I've seen in my dreams before. Like that little dell full of yellow irises (only without the irises this time) by a small lake that I once found in a dream where I was road-tripping through North Karelia with suomigoth. And that country road passing through some fields where I walked once with Tuomas, near the house with the garden where I had been sitting next to some berry bushes and talking with his mother.
My dreams are strange.

In addition to strange dreams, my life has been quite uneventful lately (I've been mostly sitting home playing Baldur's Gate II and Lionheart), save the previous couple of weekends.
On the Saturday the 14th (yeah, not exactly Friday the 13th) I went with Ella to see a Tarot gig to Old Texas. Although I'm quite a Tarot newbie, I admit, I enjoyed the gig (even though some brilliantly intelligent person decided to throw their beer on me). It also seems like mine and Ella's gig mojo returned as after the show some drunken fella in his thirties made it his holy quest to get us the guys' autographs. I feel quite sorry for the poor guys as the fella was rather persistent-bordering-irritating. No wonder Zachary was apparently feeling a bit grumpy.
But Marco. Dude, if Zac's rather temperamental, the little bro is the embodiment of good-natured Zen.
And if said embodiment of good-natured Zen comes to you with a goofy drunken smile, opens his arms and says: "Let's hug!", you don't argue. :D Marco rocks.

Another event was Åbo By Night last weekend. What a brilliant concept: a WoD larp where the vampires express themselves by... singing karaoke!
We were only extras, playing quickly made up mortal goth youths. I put my Karelian dialect in practice again by playing a folklore student from Joensuu. It was fun.
The members of the Brujah clan were naturally loud, fun-loving metal fans and at one point they performed Hevimies together. And I shall never forget how the Prince of Turku (a fancy-pants Toreador himself) got up to the stage and performed Tsingis-Khan. :D

Oh, and good news! If I'm lucky, I should have internet in my own flat within a week!
So maybe I'll see you around again sooner than you think. Now I'm off to home.

The freezing cold night by the bonfire, the millions of stars above our heads and the feelings of fear, love, hope, anticipation and uncertainty.

--------------

An almost disbelieving sigh.

"May the Goddess be with you."
"Thank you, friend."

--------------

The riverbank, sunlight dancing on the surface. Footsteps behind me.

"Who are you?"
"Shouldn't you already know?"

A glimmering dragonfly flies past.

--------------

"Varg, put me down!"

Her Royal Highness faints. Gasps of surprise and shock. Some merry cheers... coming from the trolls? I'm laughing and crying at the same time, everything around me is a blur except him. Thundercloud (or was it her?) hands me my hairclip that has fallen off.
I can only smile.

--------------

"Was that a rival suitor?
"No, it was my best friend. No need to fear."
"Ahh, I don't fear anything anymore."

--------------

New threats form the outside. I'm torn between my loyalties to my Queen and my kin and my love and loyalty for him and his people.

"Leafsong, please tell me I don't need to find a new Grand Mage for the House of Earth as well."
"If only I could say that for sure, Your Highness."
 
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-People darting nervously around in their fancy clothes. Anticipation in the air. Half-hysterical jokes and laughter, very few things go as they're planned.

-Relieved smiles. We did it after all. We all did.

-Drinking around the bonfire, general feeling of camaraderie.

-Videocamera madness with naked people covered in cow blood. Simply hilarious.

-Rammstein turns into Marilyn Manson. Some brave ones start dancing, can't resist joining in.
Flames, swaying limbs and bodies. Para-Noir with Veera. Tainted Love, and I'm smiling to myself.  Exhilaration, excitement, exhaustion.

-Everyone else is asleep, only a few of us awake. Olli in the firelight, one arm around Vappu and another around Kirsi. Valtsu looks tired and drunk and he clambers off at some point. After some tunes from Moulin Rouge and Chicago Anna curls up on the bench. Ville being Ville, drinking and smoking and telling dead baby -jokes and crazy true stories. Character analysis on several people. Contentment. Slight sadness when the night is over.

-Cold, clear morning. The world looks different again. Back to reality.

Ugh, I tried to take a nap to make up the badly slept night, but I'm apparently too restless and guilt-ridden to do so, so I'm back here trying get something done.
If only Karkki sent  me that info she promised, it'd be nice to know what out dear Queen is up to. *sigh*
But well, at least I think I finally figured out how do Evenstar's telepathic powers work, at least the part of them that can be used in-game. The use of mind-powers is always difficult to put into effect in LARPs and it will probably be somewhat awkward this time too, but well, it's the best I could do.

The reason why I didn't sleep very well is the after-game party of 1115 AD in Paimio. I didn't attend to the LARP myself, but Ella's boyfriend Atte did so he asked Ella and me to come too. It was quite nice although I felt horribly guilty for not being at home writing with the keyboard on fire.
Ah well, this morning when we were on our way back to Turku, Tsoukki (Atte's friend, our driver) decided to want to go see the ruins of the old Kuusisto castle, so we went there and climbed around in the remains of the stone walls a while before heading to Ella's place where we drank some tea and then parted ways as the lads drove back to Helsinki and I headed home.

Oh heck, either I need to cheer up or to really get a couple of hours of sleep.
Sleeping would be better idea, I imagine, as the damned sunlight reflecting from the screen is making seeing what I'm writing practically impossible at the moment.
So a nap it is, and after that I need to finish writing at least Rainhaze, Crescentglow and Skyfire and write Evenstar and Waterlily from the beginning again, plus at least a summary of Dawning for Atte. Phew.

I wonder what strange masochistic urge makes me get involved in LARP-writing year after year even though I full well know I suck at being a good and responsible GM? *sigh*

Whew, changed me layout and got meself a different account. Now I have ads, yay.
And more icons, mwahaha.

And all the files disappeared from my own computer when Mikael reinstalled the Windows.
Fuck. But I knew the risks...

I have so much to write about.
I'd like to tell about my trip to North Karelia, rant about PotC II (I'm not obsessed with it, no sir... *whistles innocently*) and then also write a report about KP5.
But once again when I'm supposed to do it, I end up doing something useless instead.

Gah, maybe tomorrow. *sigh*

Once again a night I was supposed to actually write something sensible, but ended up making silly quizzes instead. *sigh*

I've also came to the conclusion that I'm an arrogant bitch.

Ah well. If you're intrested, some of the new promo pics for Cloud Islands can be found from our website, from the "Muuta" section.

( Quiz )

Stole this from starkku

Mysterious boy You scored 30% masculine, 41% athletic, 54% exotic, and 50% refined!

You like a man who is on the exotic side. Dark and mysterious but not over the top macho. You do, however like a little bit of bad boy in him and he sure knows what to do with his sleeker bod in the bedroom! Someone like.....Johnny Depp. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 5% on masculine You scored higher than 5% on athletic You scored higher than 69% on exotic You scored higher than 58% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

What a suprise. :p

Meh. I'm still not entirely sure if I should go to Tampere tomorrow or not.
I know I will regret it if I don't go, but I really couldn't afford it. Waah.
Why can't I just *bamf* there and back or something? Marco's right, there really should be teleports in this world.
But I guess they would be even more expensive than trains... :/

Hmm. We should probably start doing something about The Cloud Islands II.
I'm just browsing throught the websites of various camping sites in Southeastern Finland, but I haven't found a place that would have room enough for about 50 people. Teijo would at least have gorgeous landscapes. I think I have been hiking there when I was still a little scout girl. That hike was pretty disastrous, but I enjoyed the landscapes greatly. But anyway, those huts are too small, they only have beds for 6 people or something, and it would be nice if people wouldn't have to sleep on the floor this time...

We have to have a GM meeting some day... I should probably also start to think what will I do my little elves. Though we should probably first ask the players who wants to continue playing their characters... And I have to decide what will I do with Rainhaze, because Moonlily has probably already lured him to marriage, but the problem is that he can't represent the House of Mist as its General anymore if he's in the House of Moon now because they already have Crescentglow as their General... So if he's married, we can't have him in this larp. And that would be a drag, because Rainhaze is one of my favorites.
I guess I have to negotiate this with his player because he said he wants Rainhaze to join the House of Moon because he (Olli, Rainhaze's player) wants to wear midnight blue and silver. :p Hopefully we can find a solution.

I think we'll also need a new Grand Mage for the House of Fire because Goldenflame and her lover, Prince Moonleaf were expelled from the Elven Realm for treason.
And possibly also a new General for them if Skyfire's still too shocked about Recognizing Morningstar to do her job. :p Though I'd really love to have her around, we didn't have enough sassy and hot-tempered women last time.
And we'll need someone who doesn't hesitate to act, especially now that... Well, you'll see. ;)

Anyway, I should go to sleep now... *yawn*
I already feel guilty because I think I'm not going to Tampere tomorrow. I hate always being the one to cancel things on the last minute.*sigh* I must do something about it, I don't want to always be a disappointment to everyone...

By the way, I had an idea about those flashback-things last night. I realized that the place I see and "feel" is none of the places I've seen, and yet it's all of them. Very strange.
Oh well, Eternal Wait one more time and then to bed...

Se on ohi. Uskomatonta, se on ohi.
Halleluja, voin hengittää taas...

Peli itsessään oli jotain aivan muuta kuin odotimme, se nimittäin osoittautuikin huomattavasti enemmän toiminta- kuin tunnelmapohjaiseksi (vaikka tunnelmaakin takuulla riitti)ja siinä tapahtui yllättävänkin radikaaleja asioita (Tovahår... *snif*). Kaipa se kuitenkin onnistui ihan hyvin, sillä olemme saaneet hyvää palautetta. Esim. Jupe Rantalaisen TOP 5 -peleihin kuulemma pääsimme, pitäisikö tuota uskoa...
Hyvän pelin yleensä tekevät pääosin pelaajat, ja meillä olikin ihan loistava pelaajakaarti. Erityisen ylpeä olin keijuryhmästäni, jolla lensi off-game ennen pelin osaltamme viivästynyttä alkua ihan uskomatonta läppää (Yökastelija, Prinssi Avaruuslävistäjä ja Pyhä Märehtijä... Ja Tommin sukkahousut. *virne*), joten yhteishenki oli hyvä. Jengimme oli myös hienoissa propeissaan enimmäkseen upean näköistä (*haluaisi sanoa jotain, mutta sen sijaan virnistää pahankurisesti*) ja pelasikin hahmojaan hyvin, mitä nyt siltä kohellukselta ehti keskittyä henkilösiteisiin sun muuhun.

Luonto oli myös puolellamme, sillä sää oli kuin morsian. Kylmähkö tosin, mutta kaunis.
Toisin kuin tänään, taivas oli kirkas, ei satanut eikä edes tuullut pahemmin. Auringonlasku oli upea ja yöllä taivaalle nousi valtava, kirkas täysikuu joka valaisi kuuset hopeisiksi ja välkehti veden pinnassa.
Aamulla myös mennessämme rakentamaan keijuleiriä ylitsemme lensi raakkuva korppi. Hurjaa...

Mmh. Ehkä kirjoitan huomenna jotain tarkempaa raporttia, sitten kun osaan nukuttuani sisäistää asioita paremmin.

"Hän katsoi maan reunalta tähteä putoavaa.
Nyt kauniit kasvot neitosen peittää karu maa.
Jokaisen täytyy katsoa silmiin totuuden
Sillä aika ompi voittoisa, mut' tämä maa on ikuinen..."

Täydellistä.

(EDIT: Missä hiton vaiheessa sana 'hengittää' muuttui sanaksi 'jengittää', ja mitä moinen jengittäminen edes on? O_O No, nyt se on korjattu...)