The Howling

We've lived apart for a week now, though we've been officially broken up for more than a month.

And this, I suppose, is the part where it starts to really sink in. Not surprising, considering we pretty much kept acting like a couple while we still lived under the same roof.

But yeah. I miss him.

As a romance we were pretty much a disaster from the beginning. We just never could click on that elusive level necessary for a romantic relationship to truly work, I guess, or were just fundamentally different enough in views and goals and ways to communicate. But while it's clear we're better off apart, it was five years' worth of valuable lessons for both of us, and in a way we were really good together too.

So yeah, I miss him. I miss his smell. His weird babblings. Curling up against him at night, or when watching tv-shows on the bed or the couch. The sound of the coffeemaker. Watching him play Skyrim or Tomb Raider and offering comments or advice, and talking about video games in bed before falling asleep. The Chinese food he cooked (fat chance of me bothering to cook for myself) and taught me to appreciate. The sound of him watching Top Gear in the other room. Him calling me "kultapallo" exasperatedly. Just... him.

I mean, I haven't lost him or anything, he's still in my life and lives a block away and our breakup was pretty damn easy and friendly, so far at least.
But it's just different now and I have to get used to the new rules, and that's confusing (first breakup at 27, fuck yeah). I must admit I kinda hoped we might maintain a more casual relationship, still seeing each other and visiting each other to watch movies and stuff and cooking together etc.. But he might want to take a little distance, and I understand that, really. So I must suck it up and learn to be on my own. I really don't want to be some clingy ex stereotype. :p
But loneliness is s tough bite to chew for a pack animal, so to speak.

(This has also made me ponder on some deep shit about relationships in general, about whether I'm even capable of a so-called normal romantic relationships. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, and "normal" courtship rituals just baffle me, and my views of an ideal relationship are probably a little unconventional. So... foreveralone.gif :p)

Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.

I posted this same thing a couple of years ago, but it's so awesome it bears repeating:

To celebrate the (100th, wow) International Women's Day, I wanted to share this with all of you ladies (and well, why not gentlemen as well) out there. Sydney, Buffy, Veronica, Kara and Zoë show us how it's done. ♥

For those who can't be bothered to download it (which I would recommend, as the quality is infinitely better), here's the YouTube version:

 Ugh, I've had too much sugar so I'm all headachey and unfocused at the moment.

But yeah, thought I'd write down some thoughts on TV I've been watching lately. I'll try to avoid any big spoilers, but be warned in any case if for example like me you're embarrassingly late on the bandwagon with BSG. But anyway:

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- Battlestar Galactica. I'm like six years late with this mostly because when something is hyped up to heavens I tend to get annoyed and start avoiding it on principle. Childish, I know, but damn, that hype has been driving me crazy. :p
Anyway, the boy had Caprica so I watched it with him out of curiosity (not really worth it, btw, unless you really want to learn that Cylons were basically created by a crazy, annoying religiously fanatical teenage girl, and that Adama's family background is like the Greek mafia. I was impressed by the family likeness though, so casting's good in that department.) so it was sort of natural to follow it with BSG, especially since I pretty much had nothing else to watch while waiting for Being Human's return.

And it is good, I'll give you that. It's also one of those shows that should come with a warning label: "CAUTION: This will break your heart and drive you crazy." I've only watched up to 2x07 but I already know it's going to stomp gleefully all over my heart. I thought I could watch it as kind of idle quality entertainment and distraction from BH but damn, they managed to get me invested by hitting me in my weak spot. Damn you, Katee Sackhoff and Jamie Bamber.

( Semi-shippy mini rant. Ugh, I'm such a girl. )

Okay, that ended up being quite a mini-rant. O_o Better put it behind a cut, even though I suspect I could just as well be talking to myself because the problem with being late to bandwagon with something popular is that everyone else either has already discussed it to death and couldn't really talk to you about it without spoiling you somehow, or they haven't seen it and therefore don't give a damn/know what you're talking about. Oh well.

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- Anyway, 6 episodes in I'm still not impressed with The Pacific. I mean, I completely realize it's supposed to be different than Band of Brothers. But I think they tried too hard to take it to a different direction, structure-wise and in general. The flow of the episodes suffers from random cuts back to the States where Sledge or Basilone or someone is doing something, especially as there's like one random cut per episode that has nothing to do with the general plot of the episode in question. And while anyone would probably suffer in comparison to Winters as a central figure, Leckie is just not a very sympathetic main character. Of course war is hell, but he just whines and aggro-emos about everything constantly as if he has it worse than any of the other guys. Which he doesn't. Ugh.
It has impressive production values and is probably a very realistic portrayal of the WWII Pacific Theatre, but I can't just bring myself to care very much, which is sad.

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- Being Human 3x02. Not as good as the season premiere, but that was to be expected. A very decent episode nonetheless, even though some things confused me a little continuity-wise. Namely the prospect that vampires need blood for sustenance. I'm not sure if it was a genuine continuity error, a retcon (I hope not) or if it was just handled not that well. I can understand how Adam would think that, and even Nina and George, but it was quite clumsy if it was supposed to be just that.
I really loved how Nina took control of the situation and didn't allow Adam or the Hargreaves to scare or bully her. She'll be a great mother, and she's been a good influence to George as well. Unfortunately that's probably gonna mean that the house will grow more and more divided into two parties with Mitchell brooding around and being conflicted and secretive and Annie, bless her soul, probably sticking with him through it all.
And that's another thing: I love Mitchell and Annie's dynamic, I do. But this episode showed exactly why Lia's little matchmaking was a bad thing. Annie's acting like a clingy schoolgirl with a crush, which confuses Mitchell and is probably making him want to take a little distance. I mean, I completely understand why she's doing that: she's traumatized and in denial and clings to him because he was the one who saved her. And she has probably always lived for others, not valued herself enough and been a bit of an easily manipulated pushover. Which is why she's now dead. And which is why I'm worried. Ugh, this show. I really hope Mitchell will put an end to it if she starts acting all Stepford wife when they get together. Preferably even before that. I realize he (and Nina and George) is all she has in her life, but really.

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And that's it for now, I guess. Expect that rec post at some point soon, and again, I'm interested in hearing your comments and opinions. :)

- Reply to this post with ICON ME! and I will pick five of your icons.
- Make a post (including this info) and talk about the icons I chose.
- Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
- This will create a never ending cycle of icon glee

canadiangoddess  picked these:




This is The Morrígan. The Great Queen (or "The Phantom Queen", etymologists are still arguing over that one), an ancient Irish goddess of passion, battlefields and sovereignty, to put it simply. I was born on Samhain, 31st of October, which is kind of her day because of that connection to the Underworld. So in a weird way she's always felt close to me even though I'm not exactly a practicing pagan. I just remember how I felt in Ireland when I saw all those crows flying around. Felt right, somehow.
The Irish Gaelic phrase in the icon means something like "Of Morrígan of graves and tombs."




And then this. Éire. Ireland. My spiritual home in some funny, unexplainable way. I miss it.




Mitchell says this in an episode of Being Human, in a kind of hilarious, nonchalant way. Like "Yeah, we're bastards, how is that anything new?" which was such a refreshing look at it in the middle of the whole Twilight-induced vampire hysteria. And even though I've loved vampires ever since I've known how to read, it's just true, and with all these vampire shows and films and books around nowadays, it's a nice, funny reminder.




Oh, Jack and Elizabeth. My doomed, awesome, freedom-loving OTP. I'm pretty much over the whole thing now, but freedom is still a very important thing to me and that's one of the main reasons why I loved them. To freedom!




This is Calico Jack Rackham's flag, only one variation of the Jolly Roger among many but probably the most iconic in its simplicity.
Because Calico Jack was a drunk, rascally dandy who sailed with fierce lady pirates, I'm still a bit bitter that they didn't make it Jack's or even the Black Pearl's flag in POTC, but specifically Barbossa's. Oh well. ;p

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There you have 'em, next I'm gonna watch some ice dancing and cheer for the Kerrs and then try to put my thoughts on Being Human together. Laters!

Seems like I'm only reporting deaths here lately, but I just learned that Major Richard Winters has apparently passed away.
If that doesn't mean anything to you... watch Band of Brothers.

I mean... I certainly don't think all soldiers are heroes. Far from it. Nor am I American, so it has nothing to do with patriotic hero worship.
But he was a hero. A real hero. A great leader and a man of honor. I know, it's an absurd concept to idolize someone who took lives and was good at it, but... yeah.



Rest in peace, Major.

I think I'm starting to get a cabin fever from all this extra free time in my hands this week. So I obsess over things at random, latest obsession being Band of Brothers (HBO 2001).
I haven't watched it as I sadly do not have it in my possession (as soon as I have money again I'll order it from Play.com as a belated birthday present for myself, I swear), but somebody posted a BoB picspam on fandom_picspams a couple of days back and there I went again.
I've seen it two or three times now, but it's one of those films/series that actually benefits from multiple viewings as it has such a huge ensemble cast it's a bit difficult to keep track on who's who among the skinny, dark-haired white guys in nearly identical combat gear.
So when you watch it again and start to connect the names with the faces, you'll probably also find yourself going: "Wait a minute, is that...?" Yeah, it probably is.

Yup, the terrifying Speirs is none other than Matthew Settle from Gossip Girl (guess getting to play one of the baddest badasses of the 20th century is a once in a lifetime opportunity and after it you have to take what you get...). Yeah, that's Michael Fassbender hanging out in the background, smoking cigarettes and cracking jokes with his friends as Burton 'Pat' Christenson. Yes, it's Andrew-Lee Potts who gets brutally and unnecessarily killed in The Last Patrol. Jamie Bamber is the hapless German-American POW who gets offered some very fatal cigarettes (EDIT: Oops, sorry, no he isn't. He played Captain Jack Foley and that POW just looks way too much like him), and Tom Hardy is Janovec who is found humping some German floozy by Speirs. Marc Warren, Simon Pegg and James McAvoy also appear, as well as Jimmy Fallon. It's sick. :D

But anyway, I didn't even plan to babble about anything, I was just supposed to post this, because... well, it's amazing and Roe is ♥.



Oh, btw: I'm feeling a bit better now although I'm apparently anemic. Nothing some extra iron won't fix, though.
I still need to have an ultrasound scan and maybe some other examinations done, but I think I should be okay and can go back to work tomorrow.

ETA: Now that I think of it, maybe my little brother becoming the third reserve officer of my immediate family (this is the fourth generation) has something to do with this obsession. Only a little, though, probably. *shrug*

 I've spent the last three days at home on sick leave (well, on Monday I worked for three hours before I had to give up).
It's a welcome (and currently much needed) break even though I've really started to enjoy my job, but I can't help feeling guilty so I can't really relax.

And what's wrong with me? I don't really know. I've suspected for a while now everything isn't quite right with me physically, but a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to run some errands, taking my time putting on make-up and all, when I suddenly felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest right above my left breast. At first I wasn't worried, that kind of stuff probably happens occasionally to everyone. But those stabs kept on coming and I started to get scared. So I called 112 and got visited by some nice paramedics. They didn't discover anything life-threatening but told me to get the day off anyway and go see a nurse. The nurse suspected gallstones and booked me a doctor's appointment just in case, advising me to watch what I eat a bit.

The next two weeks went by quite normally, with only some discomfort , occasional random "stabs" in my torso and a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right in my abdomen.
I went to see the doctor on Friday and had blood tests and ECG taken. Her initial suspicion was that there's something wrong with my diaphragm, which would explain as all the worst stuff is focused on the left side and the "stabs" are often worse when I inhale. I'll only get the test results tomorrow so I went to work on Monday despite having been in a lot of pain over the weekend, but like I said, I lasted only three hours before I started having difficulty breathing because of the pain.

Now, I suffer from anxiety disorder so it was probably just that, the pain and stress at not knowing what's going on having triggered it. But it has effectively rendered me unable to work, which really sucks. I know, it's not my fault and I'm not just shirking my duties. But... gah. We really need every cent we can get at the moment, and I'm not paid for the days I'm not working. So, as they say in the army... SNAFU. :p
I'm just so tired all the time now, and just want to know what's wrong with me so I can deal with it and move on. *sigh*

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Okay, to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer, there HAS been something positive lately as well.

1.) As I said, I think I'm starting to figure things out at the bookstore. The bosses have started to trust me more and give me more responsibility. Now if I only can sort these health problems out, I think I may have a chance at getting a real part-time job there. So yay. :)

2.) I finally got around to watching North & South (BBC 2004) completely. I'd seen a part or two of it years ago when they showed it on telly, but my memories were really fuzzy. Anyway, to those of you who don't know: it''s a four-part miniseries based on the book by Elizabeth Gaskell. Its premise is similar to Pride & Prejudice with all the pride and prejudice and misunderstandings before the lovers finally get together, but it's also a hella lot darker and grittier. The setting is mostly a smoky industrial town in Northern England in the 1850s, so the Austenian Regency lightness is absent. People also get beaten up and killed and whatnot left and right.
But the leads Richard Armitage (as John Thornton) and Daniela Denby-Ashe (as Margaret Hale) are really gorgeous and amazing and have a delicious BST going on. Here, have a look:



(that's gotta be the raciest Victorian handshake between people who claim to kinda dislike each other EVER :D)

And I'm not even going to talk about the ending because you have to see it for yourself. But if you want to discuss it in the comments, you are very welcome. ;)
I can't say this about many men, but Richard Armitage does funny things to my heart. *swoon* If/when someone ever deides to film Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, I will cry foul if anyone else is chosen to play the Raven King John Uskglass.

But anyway, if you haven't yet watched it and generally like pretty period dramas etc., do watch it. It also has a really pretty score. <3

3.) I ordered the first one of the Being Human tie-in novels from work and it was awesome. There were minor glitches like Mitchell snagging blood bags to snack on from the hospital and George being Annie's go-to guy when she needs comfort (okay, it does make more sense in the timeline of the second series), but otherwise the atmosphere was really authentic and it was great to have that little extra glimpse into their lives, with all the darkness and sweetness, humor and tragedy the show has. The three books form a single storyline despite having separate settings so of course I immediately had to order the next two as well. :D

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Okay, I guess that was it for now. Next time I'll answer your questions, liduen_loivissa . :)
Just one more thing before I go, just because this song is amazing. Spoiler alert, though:

More videospamming, woohoo!
I just encountered my favourite vid maker's (and I don't say that lightly, she's good) YouTube account and decided to share her work.
You want sexy vampires? I'll show you sexy vampires!



Queen of the Damned is so underappreciated. And I say this as an Anne Rice fan.
All of Kristin's stuff available for download here.

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/EDIT: Whoops, I accidentally posted a wrong video. I meant to post this. But no matter, they're all equally brilliant and sexy.

So much for the New Year's resolution, huh? Ugh, I suck.

I've been thinking, though. Maybe I would learn to write my thoughts down more often if I posted something at least once every week. A Top 5 list. I already have many thought out.
But I'm not gonna start today because first things first:

I finally managed to get around to watching SyFy's Alice.
For those of you who don't know, it's a modern cyberpunk/steampunk/magitek/psychedelia twist on Alice In Wonderland.

( More thoughts under the cut. Some spoilers in the last paragraph. )