"Teach me passion, for I fear it's gone."

[darnaguen]

Tomorrow I should be at Fendari at 10 am to discuss if I should return there.
I feel like running again. Or hiding, "disappearing from the map" as they say.
I know I shouldn't, but the idea is tempting.

Go away. Leave me alone. Forget about me, leave me be. I will only disappoint you.

I was at Jupe's tonight. First that something inside my head, the cowardly/whatever part, tried to tell me not to go, but I decided to go anyway. I'm glad I did.
We talked, listened to some Led Zeppelin and Rush and watched The Dead Poets' Society.

The movie and our conversation made me thoughtful again.
Do I have passion in me? And if I do, what is the object of my passion?
What am I waiting for? What do I really want? Am I just a silly delusional girl who is waiting for that prince on a white horse who in reality will never come and sweep me off my feet and take me to a better place? Does that "perfect love" even exist? A soulmate, a friend and a lover with whom I could be content and free, perhaps even truly happy?

Of course it wouldn't be perfect. It never is.
What did the fortune teller say about that presumed "love of my life" again? That it would not be easy, but that love would prevail. (But I really won't forgive him if he never takes me along to his journeys, at least to those he'll make on his free time. ;p)
And what about that child? How would he affect our relationship?
Ah well, I'd better forget about that prediction. Maybe it will never come true anyway. Maybe that "Wolf-brother" I've "known" I'd find one day ever since I was eleven doesn't even exist.
But I know I'm stubborn enough to not settle for anything less.

But after all... Does it have to be love that makes my life worthwhile and fulfilling?
Is it necessarily love that I'm looking for? No, perhaps not. I guess what I want most is to find a purpose to my life. Why am I here? What should I do with my life? What am I waiting for?

Big questions I probably shouldn't be thinking about. But it's just me, I always think too much.
And I always need to know why?

"Time will tell..."

I damn well hope it will.

Comments

Soul-mates...

[(Anonymous)]

As tempting as it seems to believe that finding and meeting the "other half" would solve all our problems , I strongly believe this would be much too easy for this complicated world.
If both "halves" were absolutely perfect, pure, without Karma, without problems or "defects"etc. , I could imagine it might work this way. Might, because even then the world around them sure wouldn`t be perfect.
I`ve read somewhere that one always takes on the other person`s karma and problems, and vice versa , especially when the two are truly "soul-mates" and re-unite at both spiritual and physical levels.
Appearantly the ever-growing interest in these things is.....well, a very good sign IMO. Even though I don`t dare mention my thoughts concerning things like this to just anybody....

In any case, good luck at Fendari, even though I don`t know what it is... ; P

Re: Soul-mates...

[darnaguen.livejournal.com]

Heheh, thanks. Wasn't that bad actually. :)

But like I just explained in that other reply below, that was the point of that entry actually: I don't believe meeting the so-called "other half" (it's actually quite scary thought that you wouldn't be able to be whole spiritually without someone else) would solve all one's problems. Love is not a fairytale, "happily ever after" doesn't exist. But "for better or for worse" does, I guess...

I guess I already have a hunch of what it would feel like to be so intensely entwined with someone else's life that their hurts and worries become yours as well. It's definetely quite frightening. But I know a couple like that, and despite their occasional problems, they're the most happy and harmonious couple I know.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly I think you are too caught up in this whole thing and way too fixated on just one person. I believe if that person would be your soulmate something would have happened already. Personally I think that there is more than one soulmate for everyone and it's pouson to focus on just one. It means you might miss lots of equal or even better opportunities. You are young, there is no need to find your soulmate right away. A relationship with someone else who might not be your souomate might even be more rewarding because you learn much more about yourself. If you only relate toa person that is similar to you you cannot develop your own character and I think that is sad. At the moment it seems to me like you only see and believe what you want to see and believe. Don't get offended but I think psychological help would do you good.

[darnaguen.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know that perfectly well. That was the point of that entry, actually. Questioning myself. And believe it or not, I do that all the time.
But I'm not offended, I know I sound like just that: a silly delusional girl who needs to go get her head checked. Should probably do that anyway, due to things unrelated to this. *chuckle*

But I know myself well enough to know that I can't just start a relationship with some random person just because. It wouldn't feel right. Maybe it's alright to someone, but not to me.
And in fact, I don't think I actually need to be in a relationship with someone anyway. I'm perfectly fine by myself. And if you're concerned that I'm missing valuable lessons about life because I choose to stay single, you don't have to worry. I can learn a lot just by observing.
However, it's not like I walk through life with pads on my eyes believing that there's only one person out there for me. If you'd read my previous entries and the comments too, you'd know that I actually don't believe there's only one possible soulmate for everyone. That'd be foolish and quite depressing too.
And I also don't believe that all soulmates are designed to be lovers. Thus I actually don't believe that the person you're probably refering to is supposed to be that "love of my life". And believe it or not, I wouldn't want him to be, either. *chuckle*

My biggest problem probably is -like I said in the entry- is that I want to understand what is going on in my life, but some cases just are beyond my logic which greatly frustrates me because I fancy myself quite a logical person.

I don't expect you to agree with me or understand my point of view or anything. It's okay, it doesn't matter. If you want to think I'm off my rocker, you're free to think so. But confused and misguided as I may be, I believe there's a time and a place for everything.

[lumenlaulu.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Tuttuja kysymyksiä. Olen itse jo päätynyt sellaiseen olotilaan, etten enää kaipaa tai idealisoi rakkautta. Tyydyn siihen mitä minulla nyt on, vaikka joidenkin mielestä minulla ei ole mitään, sillä olen ollut yksin koko ikäni enkä ole seurustellut päivääkään. Tietysti olisi ihanaa tavata täydellinen sielunkumppani ja nytkin tunnen monia miehiä, jotka jollain tavalla kaikki ovat eräänlaisia sielunkumppaneitani, jotkut vielä yllättävän paljon enemmän kuin olisin aluksi uskonut, mutta en halua arkea. En halua tyytyä vähempään ja päätyä elämään samanlaista elämää kuin suurin osa ihmisistä, jotka tunnen. Olen jo jopa miettinyt, että täydellisessä parisuhteessa kumpikin asuisi omassa kodissaan. Mutta olenko menettänyt jotain elämässäni pysyttelemällä yksin? Tuskin. Olen oppinut tuntemaan itseni paremmin ja seisomaan enemmän omilla jaloillani, enkä pyri miellyttämään ketään oman itseni kustannuksella. Rakkaudessa ei ole mitään vikaa, mutta kaikki muu, joka sen mukana tulee... Kuka sen oikein keksi, että kaksi on ainoa täydellinen ja kaunis luku?