We Are The Lucky Ones?

[darnaguen]

For the past two days (well, nights really as the bloody transition to winter time completely screwed up my sleeping pattern again) I've been mostly sitting at computer and watching videos like that from YouTube and wondering if I've been missing something essential in my life for having never truly been in love, having never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship.
I have loved, and that love has made me laugh and cry, desperate and elated. My friends, my pack, they mean the whole world to me. I've had crushes and been attracted to people, been fascinated with people and felt connected to them on various levels. But I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know if it's because I just haven't met the right person so to speak, or because I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe I have missed some valuable lessons and experiences for having not pursued the chances that I've been given but I still think that it wouldn't have felt right. And before you accuse me of being silly and naïve for expecting my one true love, the knight in the shining armor, to one day come and sweep me off my feet, let me tell you I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding a soulmate.
But I would like to one day know what it feels like to love so fiercely that it breaks your heart, to kiss someone and mean it, to be able to give and receive affection without restraints, to trust enough to give yourself completely into someone else's hands. I wish I had the courage to try.

This is a subject I'd like to write more about, but right now I'm so dizzy and tired that I'm quite unable to form coherent thoughts, let alone write them down into understandable sentences. Maybe I'll edit this later.
(And gods, this song makes me cry.)

Comments

[darnaguen.livejournal.com]

*nods thoughtfully*
These things are probably the most difficult to understand or define in the whole world. I mean, how can I even be sure if I have been in love or not? What does it exactly mean? I mean, there have been people who have made me blush violently and my knees go literally weak just by entering the same room, people I have felt a strong connection to from the second I saw them and who have haunted my dreams ever since. Is that being in love? Some would probably say yes, but I don't think it has anything to do with love. I know love. Love is unconditional and selfless, something higher. Oh well...
I guess I have the same problem as you: those who want me I can only see as friends and those who I might want are unavailable one way or another. First person I kissed? A friend of mine after her boyfriend dared me to. And the only other person in addition to her was a guy friend who was drunk and just randomly kissed me and I thought "What the hell, why not?". Not terribly romantic.
And I don't even really know if I would know how to be in a traditional monogamous relationship. Not that I would sleep around or anything, not my style at all, but I guess I just have a hard time with the idea of committing myself to loving only one person for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, there is also the "wolves mate for life" ideology that is deep in my backbone. Mating for life with no strings attached? That would be ideal. But finding such thing? Unlikely. *sigh*

[lumenlaulu.livejournal.com]

Modern society still expects us to have a traditional monogamous relationship and at the moment almost all of my friends have a relationship or are married. I'm the only loner, expect for a small circle of friends from university, who are interested more in studying and being free, than desperately trying to find someone to love. But I like my life just as it is.

I'd say there is many kinds of love and each of us have a different way to interpret or experience it and in the end only you can tell if you've been in love or not. And many confuse infatuation with love, or passion, but love is the only one in which even if you see all his/her faults and even if he sometimes makes you angry or frustrated, you still choose him in the end and accept him as he is.