The Howling

I wonder why is he still making cameos in my dreams.

(No, not him, him I haven't seen in a while. Maybe because I haven't needed to, because everything is now alright with him.)

But him, I don't even know him and haven't seen him in six months or so. But it's still there, it's been there for almost two years now and I just wish I knew why.
But there are no answers, I guess. There never are.

...I wonder what would happen if we met again.
Probably nothing. But... Yeah.

---------------

This is probably my last night in this room, by the way.
Not that I sleep here because pretty much all the furniture is already gone and the room feels very empty and has a different kind of echo. It will feel weird to not live here anymore, but it's necessary.

You also won't be seeing me around much in near future (not that you have seen me around much lately either) because I don't have an internet connection yet. Heh, maybe that means I'll actually manage to get myself a real social life.

But I'd better go to sleep now before the sun rises.
Goodnight, kittens.

*bangs head against wall*

Okay, I'm not even trying to understand what's going on anymore.
The universe keeps dropping me annoying little hints and when I try to put them together I get even more lost and confused.
Will you please at least tell me why you had to get me into this mess?
No, of course you won't...

February?

A year ago fell the first snow.
The cold winds whirled the snow around outside of the Hartwall Arena even though it eventually turned into water. A good thing that I had remembered to take my umbrella with me.

A couple of hours later when the show was over I burst into tears and cried for hours, unable to speak, unable to explain even to myself why I was crying so desolately.
And the following night, around 3 am I learned the reason for it.

I just watched End of an Era for the third or fourth time, I'm not sure.
Anyway, even though it's getting easier each time I watch it, it still feels bad to see Tuomas in that state. I'm so glad it's all over now.

It will probably never cease to amaze and confuse me, that strange connection I seem to have to him. I will probably never find an answer to the question "Why?", but I may be closer to the answer to the question "How?" now after some interesting conversations and that documentary.

Oh well, I'd better stop now before... Yeah.

Funny by the way that today of all the days my Resurrection NW flag keeps falling off the wall and the NW website is down due to a virus threat. Should that be taken as some ominous sign or something? Ah well, luckily I don't believe in signs. :p

Syksy alkaa oikeasti tuntua vähitellen (yes, I'm writing in Finnish. Suffer, you mortals, bwahaha!).
Puissa on yhä vihreät lehdet, eikä se muutenkaan vielä varsinaisesti näy, mutta sen tuntee, muustakin kuin tuulesta. Se ei minua haittaa, ei lainkaan. Rakastan tätä vuodenaikaa, ainakin silloin kun päivät eivät ole harmaita, vaan kirpeitä ja aurinkoisia.

Kävin pitkästä aikaa Cosmicissa. Istuin toisessa niistä pienistä pyöreistä pöydistä, join Indian Spice -teetä (jota takuulla ostan omaan kotiini sitten joskus kenties melko piankin) ja luin vanhaa Nemiä. Oli kyllä pikkuisen ulkopuolinen olo.

Minulla on myös oudon sosiaalinen ja seurankipeä olo. Tekisi mieli lähteä jonkun kanssa kaakaolle tai baariin tai tanssimaan tai jotain. Mutta tietysti se on niin, että kerrankin kun minä olisin sosiaalisella tuulella, muut haluavat syystä tai toisesta möllöttää omissa oloissaan. *huoh*
Se Taivaan Saaret -nuotioilta olisi myös hirveän kiva saada järjestettyä, mutta siitä huolimatta, että aika moni tuntuu asiasta innostuneelta, pelkään että se kaatuu johonkin käytännön vastoinkäymiseen, todennäköisimmin ajankohdan epäsopivuuteen kaikille. Figures.

Miksei sitä vaan voisi viettää koko loppuelämäänsä hilpeässä larppaajakommuunissa jossain korven keskellä? Hiiteen todellisuus, tylsät, ahdasmieliset ihmiset, tosi-tv ja byrokratia. Pimitontut ja ilmamerirosvot ainakin olisivat mielenkiintoisempia ongelmia.
Täytyy myös myöntää, että olen ehkä pikkuisen kateellinen Lehdenlaululle. Hän on rakastunut ja onnellinen kaikesta huolimatta. Minä en ole kumpaakaan. En varmaan edes osaisi olla.

Tragi kyllä yritti väittää minulle, että olen rakastunut. Hitot olen.
En itsekään kieltämättä tiedä, mistä siinä oikein on kyse, mutta rakkautta se ei ainakaan ole. Jos olisin vielä nuori ja naiivi (enkö sitten muka ole?), voisin ehkä pitää sitä jollain lailla romanttisena, mutta kolme viimeistä vuotta on opettanut minulle, että yhteyksiä on monenlaisia.
Hitto vie, en minä siihen Holopaiseenkaan ole rakastunut vaikka luenkin sitä kuin avointa kirjaa ja vaistoan sen mielialoja.
Tottakai se silti hämmentää minua, niinkuin tämäkin. Minua hämmentää aina kun jotain kummallista tapahtuu elämässäni enkä tiedä mistä on kyse. Ehkä siihen pitäisi vähitellen alkaa tottua, ja hyväksyä, että en tule saamaan niitä vastauksia ainakaan kovin pian.
Ja vaikka hän tuntisikin samalla tavalla kuin minä, tuskin hänkään osaisi vastata jos marssisin hänen luokseen kysymään mistä hitosta tässä hommassa oikein on kyse.
Eikä kaikkia asioita kuvaamaan kai edes ole sanoja. Tämä lienee yksi niistä.

Äh. Maailma on taas tarpeettoman monimutkainen paikka.
Tai ei se olisi elleivät ihmiset tekisi siitä sellaista...

No jaa. Ehkä menen vain nukkumaan ja sitten huomenna kadun mitä taas on tullut sepusteltua tänne.

They accepted me to the Paasikiviopisto (=a folk's college where I'll probably be studying journalism for following 10 months.). Kinda cool, though the thought is also quite intimidating.
Will that be the start of my new life? Was I right when I predicted in the end of the last year that this year will be the year of changes, preparing us to the next, important one?
I believe I was.

Now I only hope they will give me a private room because if I have to share a room with someone, anyone, I simply cannot live there. *crosses fingers*
But otherwise I wouldn't mind living there at all, the dorm buildings are really charming.
The only thing that bothers me about that place is the fact that the school grounds are surrounded by a golf-course. And I'm not entirely comfortable in very open spaces (especially if there is a risk to be hit in the head by a golf ball...:p).
But I guess I'll get used to it...

Aeh, only a month left to the Cloud Islands and I've only managed to come up with some ideas for the new characters. And with some of the old ones, I have no idea what to do with them. *sigh* And then there's Karkki with her plans and ideas for the Queen etc.
Sometimes this whole project feels just too chaotic to handle. Too many cooks in the kitchen or something. *sighs again*
But I'll do my best because people are counting on us to deliver a good LARP.

I'm also haunted by a fanfic idea once again, but probably it will remain only an idea because I almost never manage to put my ideas into effect. It would be quite a simple pairing fic with the characters' musings on each other and their own emotions. You can throw a wild guess which pairing it is. *grin*
Especially that one very clear mental image haunts me on such level that I think I may have to write that fic. I just have to find out how to build a story around it, what leads to that particular scene. Hmm...

Oh, I just remembered: yesterday happened something funny.
I was sitting at computer, listening to music and reading something, and my mom was sitting on my bed talking to her boyfriend on phone (she'd had to exile herself to my room because our bathroom is in noisy redecoration). I didn't hear a thing because I listened to music on earphones, but after she had hung up, my mom gestured to me to remove my earphones and asked me why I had just growled. I said I hadn't because I certainly didn't remember I had done so, at least intentionally. She then told it had been a good-natured, pleased sound, something in between a purr and a growl.
Weird. I make wolfish sounds without noticing it myself. O_O

And the obligatory cryptic part of the post:
I hate it that he has to make me so nervous.
No, not the one you probably think.

There.
Over and out.

I decided to do something revolutionary and redecorated my room. Yay.

I'm also feeling strange and listening to Moonsorrow with tears almost in my eyes.
And still wondering why the heck do I feel so strongly for someone I have never even really met. This can't be healthy or normal on any level. And the worst part is that the damn thing doesn't care about my opinion. Argh.

Meh, better go take a quick shower and then go to sleep...

Kulkija rauhaa etsien
Kynsistä petojen haavoja sain
Katveeseen, suojaan metsien
Kiirii laulu isien kaikuna ain
Laulu isien kaikuna ain

Taistelun huuru verinen
Ovilla kolkuttaa seuraten vain
Rannoille, yli vesien
Kiirii laulu isien kaikuna ain
Laulu isien kaikuna ain

Lyhyt on taival maallinen
Ei tuntea tarvitse pelkoa lain
Merten taa, loppuun aikojen
Kiirii laulu isien kaikuna ain
Laulu isien kaikuna ain

I'm still confused.
A lot of contradictory thoughts and emotions are going through my mind.

And it's just a damn book about a damn band.

Argh.

Sorry, huivanta and others, looks like I can't give you a nice little spoilery entry just yet.
I need to sort out my mind first.

"From cradle to grave love leads our way,
We live forever that one day.
From times of famine to the days of feast
The tale of the beauty and the beast..."

Awwh, Tony. *grin*

The question of the day:

Why me? Why in the name of all the gods of the universe me?
I don't understand what's so fucking special about me.
I am nothing. I know nothing. I can do nothing.
And yet I seem to always end up in the middle of everything epic and mystical.
I wonder when will someone bother to tell me why. And what is my role in this whole mess.
So far all I have is some vague hints and guesses. Argh.

And just when I thought the whole madness is finally history it looks like it's starting again.
And all I can do is wait. Always only wait.

It's driving me crazy. Or maybe I'm crazy already, that would explain a lot.

(Side note: I'm becoming more and more addicted to Charon. JP is love. <3)

But what I'm quite glad about is the fact that I have found a new friend.
Even though she is determined to pair me up with a certain wolfish musician. *dry chuckle*
That is a good thing because I'm once again feeling somewhat estranged from my IRL friends, haven't even really talked with Ella in weeks. But I guess I am also to blame.
Though I have excelled in saving Ville's ass already twice this week. :p

Ah well. I'd better go to sleep and wish some malevolent enity isn't lurking under my bed, waiting for a chance to bite me in the ass.

"When you will meet the right one, his happiness will mean the whole world to you."

Hmm. I wonder if that is really what is meant to be.
And can I fight my fate if it is?

I don't want to. I don't.

Right now I wish I could erase my memories of yesterday, or of last night to be specific.
I don't know what exactly happened but I've rarely felt that horrible before. Probably almost exactly two years ago was the last time I felt like this. And I hate myself for that.

If I wished I could do as Minttu and take the first train to Kitee before, now it's almost all I wish to do... I need to get away for a while. But the thing is, I know I can't. Fuck.

Ah well... I don't know what else to say without just sounding pathetic.

Yes, I know I'm too proud to fall apart even if I needed it.